Page 40 of Hold Me Down

"Nobody has ever said I'm into long-lasting relationships, myself included."

"Why not?"

"I don't… I'm not interested in a long-lasting, committed romantic relationship, and I've never been in one."

Doctor Kumar stared at him for a few seconds, but this time it didn't seem like she was waiting him out, more like she had something to say.

"What?" Travis sighed. "Please don't tell me that not wanting such a thing is somehow a flaw I need to fix."

"Not being interested in a romantic relationship is not a flaw or something to fix," she said. "However, it is worth exploring why you're so adamant about this. What don't you like about the idea of being in such a relationship?"

"I'mso adamant, because many people are judgmental about somebody being single by choice."

"I see. And that's what you don't like? Other people telling you what's best?"

"No, I just…" He huffed. "I have a great life, and I honestly don't feel like anything's missing. Going out there and looking for someone to build a relationship with when I have everything I need feels counterproductive. I'd rather spend that time with Dave, or with my other friends, instead of fulfilling someone else's idea about what I should be doing."

"So it's not commitment that bothers you, but more the fact that you'd have to take away from what you already have to give to that other person. Is that correct?"

Travis had never thought about it this way, but phrased like that, it made sense.

"Yeah, I guess."

Doctor Kumar tilted her head. "You're not sure?"

"It's a different way of seeing this, that's all. I'm used to saying I don't do commitment and that's that. Many guys don't care for one, anyway, but I learned to be straightforward from the start, so there would be no expectations later on."

"So you're honest with any potential romantic or sexual partner that you're not into commitment long-term."

It was more of a statement than a question, but he still nodded.

"Exactly."

"That makes sense in this context, then." Doctor Kumar rolled a pen in her hand. "However, I'd argue that calling yourself a person who doesn't 'do commitment' in generalcan create confusion, because that's not who you are in every context. You are committed to people who are already in your life and with whom you have close bonds. You're committed to your job and the idea of protecting people, even strangers. It's all commitment, and it's not better or worse than any other form of it."

Feeling hot, Travis glanced towards the window. It was wide open today, and a slight breeze moved the sheer white curtain slowly.

"Did that make you uncomfortable?" Doctor Kumar asked, prompting him to look at her again.

"More like unsure, I guess." He shifted in his seat. "You're basically telling me that how I've seen myself for years isn't actually who I am."

She shook her head. "You're not a fundamentally different person just because of the words used. It's more about giving a name to things that were contradictory until now. And some of those things will be easier to accept than others, probably, but it's not about forcing you into anything. The goal isn't to get you out there to date strangers you don't care about, if that's what worries you. The goal is to explore how a different perspective may help you understand yourself more fully, which will then inform your actions and maybe even assist you in handling your emotions better." She offered him a brief smile. "It's normal to be frustrated when you're stuck. We all experience this. However, understanding ourselves and the situation we're in is crucial in order to get unstuck."

Rubbing his thumb over the palm of his other hand, Travis could feel tension growing in his body as he tried to digest everything she was saying.

"I'll think about that. I see the logic in it, but I need some time to process, I guess."

"Great." She smiled again. "I appreciate you're willing to think about this, and I'm open to a future discussion, even if you don't agree. For now, how about you go back to telling me how you've been the last few days?"

Travis winced before he could stop himself. That was only marginally easier to talk about.

"It's been fine, until yesterday. I mean, I'm okay, I haven't done anything stupid or reckless, or anything, but it's… Dave's been struggling and I wish I could do more."

"Healing from an injury is often a complicated process, with ups and downs along the way. What has he been struggling with?"

"Not being able to do things. It's been killing him from the start, but he was more upbeat in general, and he could snap out of it more easily. Now he's withdrawn, he gets irritated quickly… And that's not me complaining, to be clear," Travis rushed to add. "I'd be a mess if it was me, so he's already ahead, but I'm afraid he's pushing himself too much. He waits for me to leave the room to do certain things instead of letting me help. Last night he insisted on walking up the stairs on his own, even though I was right there, and I had to watch him struggle over the simplest thing." Travis dug his thumb even harder. "I could tell he was getting even more pissed at me for watching, but I couldn't just leave, because what if he fell?"

Again.

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