Page 50 of Hold Me Down

"Well, it all started at the therapy today," he finally spoke. "Or maybe last night, actually. Dave's been pushing himself to do things on his own, including stuff I've been doing for him ever since the accident. And I guess last night it came to a head, and we were both frustrated. Me because I had to watch him struggle from the sidelines, and him… He apparently thought I was hovering." Travis's stomach tightened at the memory of Dave's face as he'd thrown it all at Travis earlier. "Anyway, that was last night. This morning it was a little tense but better—or so I thought. Then after I left the office, I had a therapy appointment, which was… hard. Some of it was enlightening but hard to hear." He grimaced. "I'm still digesting things, let's put it that way."

Kalei nodded, tilting his glass towards Travis a bit.

"Yeah, that's the hard part, for sure."

"There was some stuff I managed to digest right away, though, including how I was perhaps coming off as if I wanted to hold Dave back, which was never my intention. So I was determined to do better, I swear I was. I had the whole plan of how I could support his progress without suffocating him. But then I came home and found him in our gym room, about to start bench pressing at a level we'd agreed not to try on our own—and we've had those rules for years, so it wasn't an idea I suddenly came up with, for the record. And yet today, here he was, with a fucking weight plate on his legs to make it even worse."

"Why the plate?"

"To keep him in place, I think. But I didn't get to that part, because when I asked him what the fuck he was doing, he went off on me, accusing me of being overbearing." Travis took another sip of water, his stomach tensing even more. "Then he told me I'm always pushing for things to go my way and that he was sick of it. I got angry and told him I'd give him space then, and I left."

"So you walked out when he expressed that he wanted some distance. The emotions were heated, but that's not an asshole move."

"But am I an asshole in other ways? Am I pushing for things? I don't want him to do things just because I want them!"

Kalei leaned closer, resting elbows on the table.

"What are you really asking, here?"

"I don't know!" Travis ran a hand over his hair. "Fuck, it's all confusing, okay? I went out to a bar to let out some steam after a hard day, and instead of getting laid I ended up having an existential crisis when some guy told me about his asshole ex who didn't want commitment despite the fact that they were living and working together already."

"Ah."

Travis narrowed his eyes at Kalei, who glanced down at his glass.

"What 'ah'?"

"I'm starting to understand what's going on, that's it."

"Enlighten me, then." Travis drowned the rest of his water and put the glass on the table, only for Kalei to fill it up again. "I'm not sure what I'm looking at, here."

"Well, that's bull. You wouldn't be here if you hadn't already figured it out. You'd be at that bar, having your dick sucked or whatever. But you're not back at home, either, which means something's still blocking you, so walk me through it. What are you seeing?"

Feeling suddenly hot and uncomfortable, Travis shifted in his seat.

"You're making me feel like I'm at another therapy session."

"Yeah, well, be glad I'm allowing house calls at all hours, then." Kalei raised his eyebrow. "You didn't come here to becoddled, you came here to figure things out, so do it. What's holding you back?"

"I could lose everything."

The words rushed out of him before he could stop them, and they hung between them for a minute.

"What exactly would that look like?" Kalei asked in a softer than usual tone.

Travis breathed in and out, staring at the table in front of him.

"It looks like losing the best friend and partner I could ever imagine having. Or like going home to an empty house, or like having to switch jobs because I'd never want to rob Dave of—"

"Okay, okay," Kalei cut in, lifting his hands in a placating gesture. "You have to know you're catastrophizing, here."

Travis glared at him. "Well, you asked!"

Kalei conceded with a nod, so Travis ran a hand through his hair.

"I don't want to be the asshole ex," he offered, staring at the glass.

"The way you always told it, you didn't want to be an ex, period. You've always been pretty vocal about not wanting to be in a relationship."

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