Page 51 of Hold Me Down

"Yeah, and according to my therapist, I was lying to myself the whole time."

Kalei raised both eyebrows now. "Did she really say that?"

Shaking his head, Travis looked down at the table again.

"She basically said that for a guy who claims not to be into commitment, I seem to be already committed to several people and things. And that a committed relationship doesn't have to mean going out there, snatching a stranger, and having to mold my life around him."

"She sounds smart."

Travis huffed. "Don't I know it."

"Still, she didn't say you were lying to yourself, more like seeing things one way and not the other. That doesn't mean you have to—" Kalei paused. "Okay, help me out here, because I don't want to put words in your mouth. How's the fact that you may now see yourself differently in regards to the whole commitment thing related to Dave and your fear of losing him, exactly?"

Travis bit his lower lip, shifting in his seat again. "You know how."

Now it was Kalei who huffed.

"Listen, when it comes to you two, I thought I had you figured out a few times over the years, only to be proven wrong each time, so no, I don't know. I mean, I can see some things," he added as he leaned on his forearms, "but not the whole picture. And it sounds like the picture has just shifted for you, so. Talk to me."

"I've never lied to him," Travis whispered. "Not on purpose."

"Right."

"I was never interested in dating, and he said the same, so it was easy to fall into things, you know? Why not add sex into the mix if we enjoy each other's company and have great chemistry on top of that? Win-win for everyone."

"Not for the people running into the two of you while you're at it, in various places."

Travis snorted, amused despite it all.

"Yeah, well, like I said—great chemistry. So, it was always easy, and we were never exclusive, but it kind of… Most of the time, it was the two of us, because why not? Why would I go out there looking for something else,someoneelse, if I had Dave at home? There's no beating that."

Fucking hell.

As Travis was talking, things were getting pretty damn clear, but they weren't getting any less scary.

"A few months ago," he continued, quieter than before, "he told me he'd been reconsidering the no-relationship thing, and he asked me if I ever did, as well. And I swear to you, I thought it was nothing more than a throwaway question, and I was already taken aback by his admission, so I told him, no way, never in a million years." He sat up and pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes. "Fuck."

Kalei didn't say a word, and for a while they sat there in silence as Travis tried to pull himself together.

"What if he was asking for himself?" he finally whispered. "What if he was trying to ask me to make things official, and I was the asshole who told him no?"

"Hey, listen." Kalei's tone made Travis look up on instinct. "You can't make any decisions based solely on what he wants. Assuming you're right, that is."

"Well, right now, I'm rather desperately hoping I am, actually."

And the truth of it—the simple, clear truth of what he wanted—made everything fall into places inside his head.

He slowly lowered his hands and clenched them around the edge of the table as his heartbeat sped up.

"So you want to be with him, then?" Kalei asked. "Not just for him, but for yourself?"

"Yeah." Travis nodded, still getting used to the idea, but the growing excitement inside of him pushed out any lingering doubts. "Yes. I feel like I've already been with him for ages."

"You certainly looked the part, but it doesn't matter what other people see, okay? It's about how you feel and how he feels. Nothing else matters."

"He's pissed at me right now."

"He's pissed at you for something else," Kalei pointed out. "You can clear that out, and then figure out the relationship thing."

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