Page 29 of Blazing Embers

I bite my lip, hard, and the lump in my throat feels like it's clogging my airway. “I hope so,” is all I can muster to say.

What am I supposed to reply to that? I’m going to be one of those moms who dumps her baby on family and then abandons it. It doesn’t matter how much I try to dress it up or try to rationalize it. At the end of the day, that’s what I’m doing.

If for some reason I can’t ever get back to Elena, that’s all she’s going to think—her birth mother abandoned her. When I thought my birth mother had died in childbirth, a part of me still felt that she’d abandoned me. Stupid, I know, but that’s how a child’s mind works. Parents aren’t supposed to leave you. They’re supposed to be your superheroes. They protect, love, care, and are always there for you.

“This thing with Irina will sort itself out, Tara,” Sabrina tries to reassure me, and another tidal wave of guilt hits me. Sabrina’s hand slides into mine, squeezing tight. “You’ll see. Then you can concentrate on just being Elena’s mom.”

If only that were true.

Eventually, Sabrina drifts off, her breathing soft and even. I listen for Sam’s boots on the porch, for the growl of his old diesel truck, for anything that would signal danger or the next step. But there’s only the steady pulse of the lantern and the feel of my daughter shifting inside me.

I watch the moon drift across the windowpane, lighting up the cabin with an eerie silver glow. Tomorrow is supposed to be the day Elena is due to enter the world, and I can finally meet her.It’s supposed to be one of the best days of my life. I let my hand rest on the tight swell of my belly.

“It’s almost time,” I whisper. “I hope one day, you’ll be able to forgive mommy and know that I would never deliberately abandon you. If there were any other way…”

The baby kicks once, sharp and decisive like she’s ready.

I hope I am too.

TARA

The Day of Elena’s Birth

The bathroom is the only place in the world I don’t have to perform. The mirror is old, the glass fogged and warped, but there’s no one else watching except for me and the version of myself I hate the least. Tonight, I draw the hot water as high as I can without blistering, and then lower myself into the tub one inch at a time, holding my breath at the shock of the heat against my skin.

It’s almost erotic, the way my body responds—first recoiling, then surrendering. My nerves go slack, my muscles stop spasming, and for a moment, the ache in my lower back is replaced by a strange, pleasant numbness. My belly floats on the surface, bobbing like a forgotten pumpkin in a swimming pool. I rest my hands on it, and for the first time all day, it doesn’t feel like an alien parasite glued to my bones. Just a weight, heavy and solid. Real.

The steam makes everything blurry. I can’t see the cracks in the grout, or the water stains on the ceiling, or the chipping paint above the window. All I can see is the tight, pink globe of my stomach and my two hands resting on it, pale and freckled and looking exactly like my mother’s. It’s been one hell of a day, and if Sabrina wasn’t hovering, it was Sam and the midwife. I felt like I was in a car taking a trip with everyone continuously asking, ‘Are we there yet?’ only it was—anything happened yet?

I roll my eyes and sink lower into the water. This is the first quiet and alone time I’ve had all fucking day. Quiet falls around me, and I glance at my belly, trying to fob off the guilt and heartache at what I know the day after Elena is born will bring.

“Hey, little one,” I say, feeling stupid but unable to stop. My voice echoes in the small, tiled space.

There’s a flutter just under my ribs—a knee, maybe an elbow. I’ve gotten good at knowing what’s what, mapping my daughter’s body by the bumps and squirming. She always kicks at night, like she knows I’m finally off my feet and paying attention. Like she knows this is when I can really talk to her.

“You’re arriving, or getting evicted soon, as your Aunt Sabrina loves to say,” I explain, and laugh at my sister's silliness. “I’m sorry. If it were up to me, I’d keep you safe in here forever.” I trace a slow circle over my skin, feeling the slippery warmth of the bathwater. “But we don’t always get what we want, do we? Not really.”

I think about the first time I realized I was pregnant. Back then, I thought it was Irina’s and Gavrill’s baby. It was easier to believe that because I was nothing more than a walking incubator for my friends. My gut churns, and I fight back the hurt and anger at the betrayal that followed. My mind flashes to the blue-eyeddevil that I blame for all this. If he weren’t obsessed with getting back at the Mirochins, Irina and Gavriil wouldn’t have had to resort to the deceptive measure they had.

However, I also played a significant role in this. I can’t deny that. I knew years ago that I should nip the rumors about me and Gavriil in the bud. But Irina laughed it off and told me not to worry. Let it be. It kept those lusty, opportunistic burlesque dancers at the club away from Gavriil.

As the good, naive friend, I let it ride. What a fucking shit show that one stupid mistake made of my life. But what it did do was show me that even the best of friends will turn on you to protect themselves. Gavriil and Irina were quite happy to leave me being hunted and trapped by Irina’s older brother. The thought of Ruslan Dragunov makes me burn with anger and equal amounts of desire. The man who tried to tie me to his side by lying about me being pregnant. Well, he said that the surrogacy was a lie. A smokescreen so that Irina could have IVF while Ruslan thought I was pregnant with Gavriil’s baby.

I have to wonder now if Irina was ever truly my friend or if it was just a case of keeping a person she thought was her enemy or a threat to her marriage close. Because she’d known about my one stand with a man I thought was Damien Romanov, but was her older brother, Ruslan Dragunov. Irina had found out the day I’d gone for the checkup for the surrogacy to see if I was ready to have the egg implanted that I was already pregnant, and she’d immediately known whose child I was really carrying.

My jaw clenches. I’d become a pawn in a war between brother and sister, each one trying to outmaneuver the other.

My hand slides over my belly. “But I outmaneuvered them all, little one.” I sniff and swipe at the tears that fall. “I may haveruined my life. My future. But now that I know who I really am… There was never going to be a future like I’d planned. They were always going to come for me.”

I sniff and circle my belly lovingly. “While I might regret ever having met the Mirochins or Dragunov, I will never regret having you.” Even now, with my body stretched to its breaking point and my entire future erased, I wouldn’t trade her for the world. “I’m just sorry I may never get to be your mother in order to keep you safe from what I’m going through. I will do whatever it takes to ensure no one ever hunts you down, my little one. Even if it means I have to become the person I was designed to be. If it means you’ll be free.”

11

TARA

Continued…

The water laps at my collarbones. I let my head fall back, staring at the ceiling. The lamp outside the window is barely visible, but its light flickers in time with the heartbeat on my wrist. I don’t know if I’ll survive the next twenty-four hours. I don’t know if she will. But I have to try.

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