Page 42 of Go Away, Darling

I closed the project I was working on so I could focus on the conversation. “We’re good. Back to normal for us. Linc has an art project due tomorrow and I’m trying very hard to let him do it himself.”

Chris laughed, and it soothed some of my wounded emotions. “I can only imagine. What else? Tell me everything.”

His enthusiasm made me smile and I tried to forget that we had barely spoken since our night together. “I’ve been editing and sending off proofs. The orders are coming in hard and fast and I’ll have to stop editing so I can send out invoices.”

“It’s incredible. The guys can’t stop gushing. The only thing better than winning a World Series is having a work of art commemorating all the hard work. I’m so happy for you.”

“I guess I should thank you for the inspiration. It wasn’t planned.”

“My parents always say that’s the best work they ever do—unplanned creative inspiration popping up out of nowhere and consuming everything. I can see a lot of you in them these last couple of weeks.”

Since Paint the Wallflower Gold were amazing musicians, I took that as an enormous compliment. “Thank you, Chris.”

“I miss you. I hate that we’re apart after what happened,” he said in a rush.

My chest ached. “I hate it too.”

We were both silent for a while, but then I heard him clear his throat. “Do you regret it? Because I don’t.”

Did I regret crossing that line? I sat up every night thinking and thinking, trying to understand how I felt. The answer I always came back to was complicated. “I don’t regret being with you because it was what I wanted and I honestly think I might have combusted if we didn’t do something. But I have doubts, if I’m being honest.”

It was too familiar. All those nights alone while Beau traveled or simply didn’t want to come home. I knew they were different men in different circumstances, but the icky feelings inside my heart couldn’t distinguish between the two at the moment.

“Doubts?” His voice was rougher now, tinged with emotions. “Because I’ve been gone?”

“Yes and no. This has just been a reminder of all the things that scare me. It doesn’t mean I believe we’re doomed.”

He chuckled without humor. “Ah, doomed. So great. The bar is set really high.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

He was silent for several beats. “I know. And if I’m being honest, I have doubts as well.”

That confession was like a stab to the heart, which, of course, made me a hypocrite. It wasn’t fair of me to say those same words and yet hate hearing them sent right back to me. “What are your doubts?”

Another pause and heavy exhale. “I didn’t want to do this over the phone.”

“Well we’re in the weeds now.” If we stopped I’d do nothing but obsess until he got home in a few days.

“Fuck. Okay.” More empty silence. “I made you a promise and I’ve already broken it. I’ve been beating myself up over it between every interview, every second I have to breathe, I analyze and over analyze where I should have stopped us.”

“How? How could you have stopped us?” I was angry now. I hated the insinuation that sex was somehow wrong. “We’re adults who are more than attracted to each other. What we did was natural and quite frankly, took an amazing amount of strength to wait as long as we did.”

He huffed a laugh. “You have no idea.”

“I think I have a pretty good idea actually.”

“Fair enough. I’m not saying the sex wasn’t mind altering. In fact, that’sexactlywhat I’m saying.” His voice grew louder, more frustrated, more determined with each word. “I made a promise to you and to Linc, and now I’m in very real danger of breaking it. Smashing it into a million pieces. I need both of you toknowI’m all in. I’ll always come home.”

But Ididknow that. I didn’t need more time for him to prove his heart was built with the same stuff as mine. “I’m just having a bad day. Nothing more.”

I heard him swallow as the line went silent again. “I...I don’t like you having bad days. Ever.”

“They’re going to happen, Chris.”

“Not if I can help it.”

I smiled because I knew he meant it. “We‘ll talk more when you get home.”

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