Page 50 of Go Away, Darling

I shrugged. “Want to get a beer with me?”

I couldn’t see her eyes, but I could feel her looking at me. “Yeah. Sounds great.”

Since it was weekday afternoon it wasn’t busy and I was able to pull right up to the dock. I fell in love with this place the first time Liv took me here. It was a small island with a historic house that was now a lodge. There were several cottages on the island you could rent for a few nights. It was also easy to wander the island or eat at the one and only restaurant. There was no way to reach the island except by boat. It was the kind of place that had dollar bills stapled up everywhere and surprisingly delicious food.

We snagged a table that looked out over the water and ordered two beers. She still had that blissed out look on her face, but her hands had begun to fidget with the paper napkin in her hands.

“Maybe we’ll have time to walk around before we head back.”

Her eyes drifted to the grass and then down to the rocks and sand. “You know it’s weird. This is the same water outside our houses, same sand, same everything, but itfeelsdifferent.”

I could say the same about us. We were the same people who were on a collision course last year, but we didn’tfeelthe same anymore. “The wind is different. The shade. The island isn’t like Calusa Key at all.”

“That’s true. It’s a nice day.”

It was warm but not oppressively hot. I wanted to make small talk but every topic that jumped to mind was work related—hers or mine—and that felt like a huge part of what was holding us permanently in the friend zone. There had to be more to Olivia and Chris than baseball and photography. That was part of why I wanted to get in the boat and just go. “I found a new—well new tome—band that I can’t stop listening to. They’re super popular so you probably know them already. The Brothers Osborne.”

Her eyes unfocused. “I’ve heard of them but I don’t know that I can say I’ve heard their music before. What do you like about them?”

Aha! Wecouldtalk about something other than work. I felt like I’d just struck someone out and was doing a victory lap around the mound. “They're a little bit country, a lot southern rock. All their music makes me smile and want to relax. It reminds me of you.”

She blushed. “I make you smile and relax?”

“You know you do.” I didn’t push the topic. Instead I sipped my beer and enjoyed the view of the water, hearing “Pushing Up Daisies” in my head.

“How’s the commute?” She didn’t look at me.

“Not bad at all. Every so often I wish I could just crash after a late game, but then I think about waking up anywhere but my beach and it makes the drive seem like nothing at all.”

She studied me for a minute, looking like she was wrestling with something. “You know in all the time we’ve spent together I’ve never asked you what you want out of life. You’ve already got a World Series under your belt and more awards than most ballplayers dream of, a beach house...what else is there for Chris Kaine to conquer?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” I said quietly. “But since you asked first I’ll answer first.” I stared at my half empty mug, the condensation making rivers down the glass and soaking the cardboard coaster underneath it. “I want a home. A family. Something permanent. I’ve never had it and I’ve always wanted it. I’ve lived on my own since I was fifteen, Liv.Fifteen. I’m tired of being alone.”

Her eyes widened in surprise. “I knew you mentioned residency in high school baseball, but it didn’t sink in…” I knew she was calculating Linc being gone in six years instead of ten.

“Yeah,” I laughed and sighed at the same time. “I was an ambitious kid. I knew what I wanted and my parents weren’t going to settle down for three or four years while I finished high school. It was a solution that let everyone keep on living their dreams. But ten years later...I’m so fucking tired. I travel for work and I love it, but at the end of the day I want to come home, and when baseball is over, home is the only place I want to be.”

She sat quietly. I knew she was staring at me because the hair on my arm kept pricking. “My parents were never going to last. Like Beau and me. I think that’s why I’m so attached to this house. I always wished we could just be happy. First with my parents and then with Beau. I think I’ve started to believe it’s impossible.”

“It’s not,” I blurted. “The island is seductive. The sunsets, the beaches, it’s like a trophy. But that doesn’t mean it’s for everyone.” Liv’s parents weren’t the first artists who wanted an exclusive beach getaway where they produced their art, and they wouldn’t be the last. Just like Beau wasn’t the first or last athlete to mark a stretch of beach as his own.

“You’re right and I hate it. I wish all the celebrities who have houses here that they never visit would give the space to all of us who love living here.”

I wanted to say a lot of things in the silence but instead I dropped cash on the table that more than covered two beers and a great tip and took Liv’s hand. “Let’s get that walk in.”

I held her hand as tightly as I felt comfortable, refusing to let it go when she tugged at the swinging door to the beach. She didn’t try again and I considered that a victory. We walked aimlessly which was kind of fun. I felt her everywhere. The anticipation of being so close and yet knowing I had no right to kiss or touch her yet made her presence all that much more intense.

When I couldn’t take anymore I led her back to the boat and took us home. I made my case. Liv was smart. She knew I was making my way back into her life romantically and if she didn’t want me, now was the time to tell me.

Instead she waved goodnight and thanked me. The minute she disappeared I fell backward off the dock into the cool evening water, hoping it would help save me from the fire raging inside my body.

17

Operation Linc

Chris

Over the next two weeks I wasn’t friendly with Liv. My smiles weren’t nice. They were “I know what you look like naked” smiles. When I left town I had flowers delivered. When I came home I brought chocolates and ice cream.

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