Page 17 of Bastard

It was shit like this that hit me hard sometimes. Not the ridiculous house or weird world we inhabited, but the normality. A wonderful woman to go to bed with most nights. Even when we were torn in different directions with a thousand different stresses on us, at night she took a bath, I took a shower, and we crawled into the same bed. It was so incredibly simple, but to me it was extraordinary.

While Sam dried her hair I read a few pages of my book. I was currently on a sci-fi kick, reading my way through The Expanse series. The books were huge and with my schedule I wasn’t making my usual kind of headway, but it was still nice to go to a not-so-distant future where the good guys weren’t quite so good but managed to find ways to win. Okay, so maybe I saw a little of myself on the pages. These characters were flawed. My favorite, Amos, dealt with some of the same issues I did. What was really right in a world of wrong?

Maybe I’d find some answers. Maybe I wouldn’t. But when I was reading I didn’t feel quite so alone.

“I want to read some too.” Sam slipped into bed beside me wearing one of my t-shirts. She snagged her book off the nightstand and then laid down with her head in my lap. “This okay?”

Was there anything more perfect? “You’re good.” Pretty soon I was playing with her hair. It was so damn soft right after she washed it that it was hard to resist. Plus Sam made these sighs and moans which was hot.

Until her book fell over and I realized she was asleep.

So I took her book and stored it with mine before turning off the light. I knew from experience I wouldn’t be stuck like this for long but might as well enjoy it while it lasted. The moon still did a good job of being a really bright natural nightlight. The feeling I was in a castle returned. The bedroom was fucking huge. The sheets and blankets all soft and expensive. Maybe it was the cool floors and large windows that made the effect so extreme.

“You’re thinking,” Sam whispered.

Her eyes were open now. Staring up at me. “This house feels more like a castle than a home.”

She laughed a little. “That’s what you’re thinking while you stare out the windows?”

“Well what did you expect?” I ran my hand over her hair.

“Brooding about the sea or the moon or something. Maybe having deep contemplative thoughts about a career in baseball?”

“My imagination sucks. It didn’t even occur to me to fantasize about that.” Not even for a second. My life was set. There was nothing I could do to change it. Hell, I could barely make it to a game, let alone all of them. Plus practice. “Huh.”

“What?” She rolled onto her side, facing me, and curled her hands under her chin.

“I never fantasize about anything any more. When I’m reading, sure. I let myself go there a little. Take on the characters for a few minutes. But outside of that?”

I had one fantasy: a peaceful, simple life with Sam. And now that I knew that version would never exist, I simply enjoyed the fact that we were together and thanked my lucky stars. No fantasizing needed.

“Does that bother you?” she asked.

I didn’t think it did, but then why was I so annoyed by this realization? I let my head fall back until it thunked against the headboard of the fancy bed. As the muscles of my neck relaxed, my shoulders dropped an inch. “I don’t know. Maybe it worries me that I don’t have time to fantasize about baseball.”

“Makes sense. What did you and Hazel talk about?” She curled her lips in like she was trying to stop herself from speaking. “Shit. Sorry. Don’t tell me if you don’t want to.”

“Hey,” I ran one hand into her hair and with the other lifted her chin, “what’s this?”

She shrugged a little with her shoulders. “Sometimes things are so natural between us. And…and well…other times I don’t know what I’m doing at all. Does that make sense?”

“Sure does. We have a lot of history. When we’re together I forget that we’ve only been a couple for about two seconds. I know you so well. And you know me. But we’ve never been this intimate before so sometimes it’s confusing.”

Sam nodded. “I just…we used to tell each other everything. And now we both have all these secrets. And, technically, I don’t know if this Jace is as cool with telling me everything as young Jace was.”

“I’m coming down. I don’t like this power dynamic.” While Sam wiggled back to her side of the bed, I slid down and rolled onto my side to face her. We both lay flat on the mattress, not touching, but our eyes locked together like some sort of science fiction tractor beam. “First of all, always ask. I’m not offended. I want to tell you everything. I hate that there are things I can’t. If you ask something I can’t answer, I’ll tell you that. Plain and simple.”

“I guess I need to hear that from time to time.”

“We’re not perfect. We’re going to fuck up along the way.”

She nodded while a few different expressions washed over her face. It was amazing how the crinkle of her eyes or the twitch of her lips could tell a whole silent story. “I guess that’s it, isn’t it? How relationships work, I mean. It doesn’t matter how long you know someone or even how much of your life you share. No couple is perfect. But if you love each other—really love the other person and want them to be happy—then even when you mess things up it will be okay in the end.”

I couldn’t take not touching her, so I reached out and did the cliche thing. I tucked her hair behind her ear, then brushed my knuckles over her cheek. “Hazel asked if I loved you…or the idea of you.”

It was like time had slowed way down so I could catalogue every detail of Sam. How she breathed, how her hips adjusted, how she never looked away. I read the line in a dozen books: like she was looking into my soul. Pretty prose, and yet absolutely true. The eyes were something else. Sam’s held so much emotion. Love, fear, incredible vulnerability. It was as intimate as being inside her, but this was emotional instead of physical.

“And what did you say?” she whispered.

---