Page 18 of Bastard

I took a second to study her face. Really look at her. Because I realized most of the time I saw her, but I saw all of her. All the Samanthas I’d ever known. Young, teenaged, and now. All my favorite parts forming a mosaic in my mind. The Sam in front of me right now was imperfect only because she was a single moment in time.

“I love you.” It was suddenly hard to swallow for some reason. “And I love the idea of you.”

Her eyebrows twitched as she fought back tears. It reminded me of all the times she’d cried. All the times she laughed. I remembered the day we met. Maybe it wasn’t true anymore. I was sure I’d tweaked the memory, adjusted it over time to make it match the story I told myself. But the fact remained that I remembered that day. Vividly. But mostly the way I felt when we met.

“You are my home, Sam. And yes, back when I could imagine things, I imagined a lot of ways this played out. It’s pretty and impractical, but that’s what dreams are for. It doesn’t change reality. Not even this fucked up one. The only thing that matters is that I love you. I’ve always loved you. I will always love you. I’m only really me when I’m with you.” Damn. My breath got shakier the longer I talked. So I stopped talking.

Sam’s voice was pretty wrecked too. A tear broke free and slid out of the corner of her eye. “That’s beautiful and terrifying.”

I asked for her hand and she gave it to me, which calmed me right down. “Having two lives isn’t new for me. I’ve always lived two lives. One day I pulled out the knife and cut myself right down the middle. It’s probably some sort of self-preservation mechanism. I don’t know. When all this is over I should probably find a therapist.” The momentary thought of a life after scrambled my brain, so I immediately closed that door. “Fuck I was young. Probably not long after we met. I had my life at home where Todd was an asshole and my mom was always checked out. I got dragged to club events and eventually started going through the early initiations. And then I had my other life. School. You. The one I pretended was the real one. I’ve always flipped between the two parts of me. When I’m with you I’m Jace. And when I leave here I’m Red. They’re not the same person. They’re the exact same person. I don’t understand any of it. But when I’m with you, when we’re like this, I’m me.” No titles. No roles to play. Not even many expectations.

She cupped my cheek with her other hand. “I hope one day you can be you with more than just me.” Her eyes moved over my face before locking with mine again. “Until then…” She inched closer. Our bodies collided.

She kissed me. “What’s the first thing you think when I do this.” She was breathless and her lips only a fraction of an inch from mine.

“I can’t think anything at all when you touch me.” There was too much to feel to bother with thoughts.

“Do you ever think this is weird?”

That kickstarted my brain. “What? No. Do you?” Dear god, no.

“Every once in a while. Like, maybe three times ever, just before we kiss, my brain goes all crazy. Like, this is Jace. We don’t kiss Jace!”

She was smiling and teasing, so I didn’t take offense. “You kiss Jace now.”

With her breasts smashed up against my chest she took my face in her hands again. Lightly so it almost tickled. She wore a huge smile as her eyes darted back and forth. “I think it scares my whole nervous system—how much I feel.”

“Would you like me to erase any lingering confusion you might have?”

“Yes please.”

I rolled over her, letting part of my weight press her down. “Is this weird?”

She brushed the tip of her nose against mine. “A little. My best friend is also my lover.” She made a brain exploding motion with her hands.

“Is your best friend this sexy?” I wiggled my hips and bounced my eyebrows.

“No. That Jace was a boy. You are most definitely a man.”

“Good answer.” Our eyes locked again. “Did he look at you like this?”

She sucked in a ragged breath. “No.”

“I felt a lot for you back then, Sam. But not like this.” I touched all her skin around the t-shirt. Her throat and collarbone, her thighs and stomach. “I have very adult feelings for you now.” With a twist and lift we changed positions, sitting in front of each other. “I know you in ways no other man will ever know. They can’t. I could die tomorrow and you could marry someone else. Spend the rest of your lives together. They might know you for longer, but they’ll never know you the way I know you.”

It was fucking possessive to say all that out loud, but it was how I felt. And maybe that’s what she needed to hear. That this wasn’t simple love or friendship. She made me desperate and intense and out of control in a good way. Like I was alive when for a long time I wondered if I was really dead.

“You make me hard. And possessive. And needy.” I swept the shirt away. “And I fucking want you.”

She reached for me without a word—just a smile. Her legs came around my hips, giving me a full body hug. She kissed my neck and behind my ear. Teasing and playful. “Then take me.”

I flipped her over and bit down lightly on her shoulder. “Like this?”

“Why not?”

Always a challenge with Sam. I loved it. Kissed her tender neck and nuzzled behind her ear until she started panting. My dick got harder and I rutted against her ass, then moved my knees outside hers and pressed up, scooping her up onto hands and knees beneath me.

“See, in this position, you’re mine to play with. Don’t move.” I massaged her breast with one hand while holding myself up with the other. It was heavy and warm with gravity pulling it down so it pressed firm into my palm. I kept rutting slowly. Just enough to keep the euphoria pumping through my veins and into my dick.

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