Page 30 of The Wedding Cake
Some of the guests were off their heads already on River’s free cocktail bar – like the couple’s annoying former band members, Alex and Bear. No doubt their pockets were also full of grass. And not the stuff on the lawn. Alice had known they’d be trouble. They hadn’t changed their wild ways enough to be included in the celebrations. River was too flipping soft, inviting them at all. They proved her fears right within moments, pointing the man in the cake’s direction, as if he was doing nothing more sinister than asking for a slice.
Alice and River stood stock-still and watched on in horror as the Harvey Keitel look alike (think Reservoir Dogs era, complete with the jet black suit that meant business) bulldozed through their paradise to the precious dessert table.
“Shit! Do you think he’s the groom from the other wedding?” River finally yelled, dashing past the revellers now he’d processed the situation and realised somebody needed to act. “Come on guys,” he said to no one and everyone, “let’s pin him down!”
“I don’t know who he thinks he is,” Alice shouted as she began to sprint across the lawn after her husband, glad she’d had the sense to wear such suitable footwear. “But there’s no way he’s taking our beloved cake!” Alice tried to ignore the highly worrying sight of Hayley in her periphery, chest puffed out, as if she’d always known her muscle power would be required at some point during the wedding. Meanwhile a pack of males including Lee, Bruno and Terry charged after the intruder ahead of River, intent on reliving the glorious summer field fights of their school days. Even the waiting staff abandoned their cocktail trays by the side of the pool, crisp white shirt sleeves rolled up and ready for action.
“¡Vamos, qué tontería!” the booming Somerset-infused Spanish words assaulted everyone’s eardrums through a loudspeaker. Hayley must have been playing her language-learning App during that mammoth coach journey. “Lay a finger on that work of art and you’ll live to regret it.” Hayley’s warning stopped everyone, Alice included. She pivoted gingerly to take in the full and rather sparkling vision of her friend in her bridesmaid dress. Hayley clutched the loudspeaker that Bruno, their unofficial toastmaster, had brought with him to help gather everyone up throughout the day. The finca wasn’t vast, but it wasn’t tiny either, and there were so many nooks and crannies –particularly where children or those seeking an undercover wedding party kiss might chance to hide. It had been a necessary but intrusive prop.
The Harvey lookalike turned to take in the vision of Hayley, too, and merely hooted with laughter, attention back on his destination within moments, upping his pace as he headed directly for the towering half-cake and its delicate waterfall of iced flowers. How he thought he would succeed in transporting the masterpiece without a truck to do the heavy lifting, Alice had no idea. It might only be half its intended size but it had taken both Freya and Alejandro, and bags of energy, to deliver and assemble it. He’d have a fair few people to get past first. Now Alice had visions of her gorgeous cake in smithereens all over the garden.
“I’ll say it one last time since you don’t seem to be getting the message,hombre: are you seriously stupid enough to think you can get away with this?” Hayley bellowed through the loudspeaker once more and turned to the Spanish guitarist. “Oh, and strike up the band again. Black Eyed Peas ‘I’ve Got a Feeling’ would go well with what’s about to come.”
Alice, still rooted to the spot, pinched herself hard on the arm and noticed River doing the same. Even in the craziest of situations they were soul mates, and this one was up there with some of the strangest things they’d encountered together. Unfortunately she wasn’t in a bad dream, but witnessing her previously textbook wedding going more pear-shaped by the second.
River began a slow jog over to the others who had circled Harvey, but it soon turned out to be in vain. Harvey sniggered and pulled a pistol from his pocket, a move which elicited a new succession of screams from the guests, most of them cowering to take cover, children shielded by grown-ups and taken to the relative safety of the teepees in the courtyard’s chill-out area. How on earth had their wedding day turned into this? It was, indeed, like something out of a Quentin Tarantino movie, and categorically not what Alice had signed up for when she’d paid good money to have a wedding at this finca. Mervyn hadn’t said anything about needing security staff on the doors. How had this idiot got in? And as for the so-calledwedding planner, where was he? She didn’t care how many ceremonies the guy had crammed into his prime Saturday in August so he could line his pockets, he should have put in an appearance at their special day by now to check everything was running smoothly.
The guitarist’s music really didn’t suit the tableau unfolding before their eyes, but Alice supposed it was a positive number. He carried on anyway, Hayley’s glare telling him this was non-negotiable.
“Hayley,” River chanced, shouting across the lawn at their friend. The guitarist played a little quieter and Alice willed her husband to follow suit with his voice in case the maniac fired. “Put that loudspeaker down. Our guest can have his cake and eat it. It’s not worth the risk to any of us,” his voice began to quiver. “Put that contraption on the ground and we’ll co-operate our way out of this.”
Alice could tell Hayley was baring her teeth even from afar. Reluctantly, she did as River asked and Alice let out a tiny sigh of relief. It was rare for Hayley to give in. Thankfully, today was just such a moment. “I know you love to jump to the defence of others,” River continued, feeling that he needed to keep pacifying her in case she got a second wind. “And Lord knows we have wound up in some weird situations with you doing that over the years. There’s no doubt that you possess the stealth of a f-fox.” He began to stutter now, sensing Harvey’s impatience. “But in this extremely delicate scenario, I think it’s best for all concerned if we ease our way out of this quickly so we can continue with the celebrations. Let the other couple have what they want. We don’t need the cake. Nobody’s future happiness depends on it.”
Now Alice was asking herself why she’d had to be so extravagant in the first place. This was all her fault. She should have gone for a cupcake wedding cake stand and then none of this would have happened.
Hayley squinted into the distance. Alice tentatively followed her line of vision. She was staring at Harvey.
“Ha. It’s a toy!” Hayley cried.
Before anybody could try to stop her, she hurtled towards him, parting the circle of men surrounding him by the force of her shoulders alone. Onlookers held their collective breath as the pair of them danced around each other, Hayley unable to ruffle Harvey with whatever move she’d envisioned. This was not good. And it had always been sure to happen one day by virtue of the law of averages. Hayley couldn’t win every battle in the pursuit of justice. The next thing everyone knew, Harvey had managed to dart behind her, jabbing the pistol into Hayley’s back in a swift ninja-like move. Alice’s pulse rocketed.All this over flour, eggs, butter, and sugar?She couldn’t begin to imagine how Hayley felt, but while Alice should have gone for a simpler wedding cake, Hayley should never have put everyone in danger like this. Several of the men who had previously encircled Harvey began to walk cautiously towards him. And now the madness stepped up a gear. Surely the guy would shoot in a minute? Everything was happening in slow motion now. Alice didn’t want to look, and yet she couldn’t tear her eyes away from the terrifying scene.
“All right. Now I’ve taken care of the woman who got above her station, everybody else needs to stay still so that nobody, and no cake, will get hurt,” yelled Harvey, pressing the weapon firmly into Hayley’s back. “Then very slowly, I’m going to ask two of you men to carry the cake with me to my van at the farm down the road – I’ve changed the number plates, by the way, so no funny business thinking you can take pictures,” he tilted his head at the photographer. “Or call the cops—”
Even as Harvey focused on sweet victory, Hayley dodged to the side, taking him by surprise. She twisted her torso, swung her right arm and dug it sharply into Harvey’s face, stunning him and buying herself microseconds with which to slide her hand down to the gun, directing its barrel at the ground and away from the guests and the finca. She finished him off with a powerful knee to the groin, at which point she was able to snatch and secure the weapon, pointing it at the wedding crasher himself instead. Then Hayley opened the gun, to reveal it was empty of cartridges.
“I stand corrected. It was real, but he was still having us on. Weren’t you,Rob?” she cried at the man face down on the lawn. “Got above my station, did I? The mere female taxi driver. Ha. I’m smarter than you realise, mate. Not only have I got a bit of an obsession with the minor celebs who sit in the back of my cab, but I know whoyouare, too... and I know exactly what you did last summer, Mr Senior Influencer.” Hayley made a sneery face. “Glastonbury festival. 30thJune. I never forget a face, date, or a conversation. Even if you are out of your wellies and beanie hat and in your tux today.”
Hayley shook her head at the recollection and Alice couldn’t believe the serendipitous turn of events. “You and your braggy mates gave me a right migraine that evening, wittering on about your viral TikTok videos and Instagram posts backstage when you watched Kylie Minogue, thinking that each of you stood a chance with her. You should be so fricking lucky.” Hayley guffawed. “And now let me guess what’s going downhere.”Hayley gestured at the finca.“The bride at that upmarket Marbs wedding is an influencer pal, she’s well miffed that the cake got double-booked and cut in half, and she thinks it’s her prerogative to send you down here to nick it. Do you not realise whose wedding you’ve invaded? Do I really need to spell it out that the bride and groom at this far more tasteful establishment are one Alice Goldsmith and River Jackson from the band Avalonia!”
“Erm, that would be Alice Jackson, now,” said Alice with a giant beam.
“Anyway, enough of the backstory as to how this idiot and my good self are already acquainted. I could use some help over here, guys. What are you waiting for?” Hayley shouted to everyone within arm’s length.
Now the guests were giddy with emotion. Oohs, ahhs, thank yous, and several stronger words flew around the finca’s parameters as a pile of men fell on Rob from all angles, ensuring he stayed pinned to the ground.
River and Alice quickly directed everyone to the chill-out area with its beanbags and teepees. The Spanish guitarist followed them, switching songs to D:Ream’sThings Can Only Get Better,as he led a procession of gobsmacked and shaking guests away from the main lawn and over to the courtyard so that Hayley and co could sort out the mess. Meanwhile, Zara and the waiters fixed everyone up with much-needed cocktails, and the photographer trailed behind them all, tearing his hair out, although thankfully he had managed to hide behind a bush and snap some essential footage of the afternoon’s proceedings, which Alice would be sending to the police and Mervyn.
“Al, I think we should cut the cake and hand it out before anybody else is tempted to pull a similar stunt. I know it’s doing everything backwards and we should all be sitting down to the wedding breakfast first, but now we’ve ascertained that the jumped-up shit over there isn’t the other groom, the last thing we want is anyone else turning up laying claim to our wedding cake,” said River.
“And then it might be an idea to get your official couple photos done!” The photographer nudged his way between them. “We are way off schedule after all of that.”
Once Alice had seen that everyone was settled, relaxed and sipping at something suitably fizzy, she followed River to the cake table, gesturing at Hayley, Lee and Terry to ensure Rob wasn’t in their eyeline. Their friends were only too happy to oblige. Lee had found some strong twine in one of the kitchen cupboards, and he deftly bound Rob’s wrists together. Hayley nudged Rob to get up, and the man, knowing he’d been defeated, followed them all to the side of the finca with his head down.
In a funny kind of way, the half cake looked even more stunning than its fully-fledged original. Taking pride of place on a plank of wood resting on top of two giant sherry barrels, its pastel pink and white waterfall of sugar roses seemed more dramatic like this, and the one-off (though duplicate) work of art suited the rustic setting of the wedding perfectly. As for the taste – although Alice had only sampled the bottom salted caramel layer – it was even more out of this world than she recalled from their afternoon with Freya back in February. As the waiting staff handed out plates to the revellers, Alice panned the clusters of guests to give Freya her verdict. But then she remembered all over again that the cake maker had disappointingly vanished.
“Yeah, it’s nice,” said Hayley interrupting her thoughts and appearing from nowhere, quite as if nothing had happened. She crammed a chunk of salted caramel sponge in her mouth, eyes glazing over, and Alice guessed she deserved this treat after playing heroine yet again. “But I can’t believe you haven’t put chocolate in any of the layers. That’s just a travesty.”
“There’s always one.” River rolled his eyes.
