Page 32 of The Wedding Cake
“Ta-dah!” he announced, impressed with the vision that stood before him.
Piper Mark Two was identical to the real Piper in every way, even down to today’s hairstyle. Constructed from a photograph, she might have been wearing a vest top and hot pants, but from a distance the effect would be mesmerisingly realistic for the guests – and the press. This bonkers scene really did make it look as if they were all gathered today to watch Piper marry herself.
“What the actual fuck? Is this some kind of practical joke?” Piper stammered her words out, twisting and turning in all directions as if seeking out undercover TV cameras.
“Not at all,” said Tim. “It’s the only way you’ll ever truly be happy. I’m just saving you the time and effort of working through more men.”
Perhaps Tim shouldn’t have said that bit aloud. It was the trigger for Piper’s dad to edge forward, fists at his chin, challenging Tim to a fight. “This isn’t a hen or stag party, lad! Stop this bullshit immediately, get your arse back under that arch of peonies, man up and marry my daughter… or else!”
It was only the third time Tim had met Fergus Moss. And it had been three times too many.
“I’m inclined to agree.” Mervyn said, looking absolutely petrified of the bride’s father. “I’ve invested time and energy into putting on the most incredible day for you both. This is Weddings in Paradise’s reputation you’re putting on the line, Tim. Tie the knot, and keep your nearest and dearest happy.” Mervyn waggled his cane at the guests. “As, erm… as well as your beautiful bride.”
“Trust you to think of number one,” a Yorkshire accent came from the back of the crowd before Tim could muster up his next move. “May I put in my tuppence worth, Tim?” Hannah stepped forward without waiting for him to reply. She waved to the guests. Some gingerly lifted their hands to be friendly in return, completely lost as to what in the hell was going on.
“Tim’s being a gentleman,” Hannah directed her statement to the groom’s dad. “It’s clear to see that the wedding is doomed to fail. Why should either party put themselves through all that heartache? Besides, they’re all the rage now, these sologamy ceremonies,” she announced. “And they’re a refreshing idea to boot.” Hannah went on to explain to her captive audience – Tim guessed they hadn’t come across the self-marriage concept before. It had certainly been a new one on him mere days ago. “Basically, it’s far from being self-indulgent.” Okay, Tim stood corrected by Hannah and probably shouldn’t have portrayed Piper marrying herself as utter vanity. “Self-marriage is an act of self-compassion; a declaration to honour oneself. Tim here,” Hannah pointed him out in case anybody was in any doubt as to his identity, “is offering Piper a fresh start.” Hannah turned to Mervyn now. “I’m not suggesting that a sologamy ceremony should be conducted at the drop of a hat. Self-marriage should be taken as seriously as any conventional ceremony, but I’m surprised you haven’t got your finger on the pulse, Mervyn. You’re missing a trick and overlooking a lucrative niche in the market.”
Oh, how Tim loved this woman. In the platonic sense. No wonder Freya had snapped her up.
“You really think you have the answer to everything, don’t you?” Mervyn snarled. “What would you even know about my clients, you silly, not-so-little,” he looked the stocky Hannah up and down, and it was all Tim could do not to smack him, “woman?”
“A darn sight more than a man like you,” Hannah replied. “Unfortunately.”
She flicked her eyes at Tim and one of her brows shot up. In that split-second he understoodeverything.So it was Hannah who had sent him the photos. Highly unprofessionally and wholly inappropriately. And yet, she had basically saved his life and he couldn’t be more thankful for her rebellion.
“Nonsense,” countered Mervyn. “You’re nothing but trouble. Stirring things up, just like you do with those icky witchy herbal brews you’re constantly trying to shove down my clients’ necks.”
“I wouldn’t push your luck with the compliments, Mr. Meehan. There are plenty of people here today who’d bevery interestedto learn of your recent shenanigans at our beloved cakery,” Hannah retorted.
She stuck out her tongue at the wedding planner, clearly knowing she had the upper hand. What was all that about, Tim wondered? He had never particularly gelled with the dude himself. Something didn’t sit quite right.
Tim peeped through his side-swept fringe to give his mam a quick smile for reassurance purposes, trying not to falter when he spotted her eyes were full of tears. She looked amazing today in her shiny blue dress and fascinator, and he was grateful to the villa’s muscly security team who had kindly carried her down the steep cliff steps to the beach. Not that she was looking particularly proud of the mess he’d made of his life right now. But then his mam was just one of many confused faces. How exactly was a guest supposed to react when a wedding bombed? It wasn’t something anybody got taught at school. That didn’t stop the usual suspects taking advantage of the fiasco. Tim couldn’t help but notice the not-so-discreet mobile phones that were now being brandished by their well-wishers. Piper’s friends would have her very personal dirty linen airing all over social media within seconds, amassing millions of new followers.Shit.And Tim’s name would be mud across gyms and town hall fitness classes all over the UK, what with the footage being taken out of context. He hadn’t mulled that part over at all.
Now his thoughts turned back to Piper. Had he been too cruel? No sooner had he pondered the notion than his ex-fiancée morphed before his eyes. It never took long for her to add up the dollar sign opportunities in any given scenario, as Tim knew well.
“Piper, love,” Fergus Moss pleaded in desperation, still pacing the aisle. “Work your magic on Tim. Flutter your eyelashes, remind him of the day you first met… Trysomething! You can’t let him publicly humiliate you like this. We’ve all spent a shit ton of money to be here. Your mum and I don’t need the stress at our time of life.”
Was that seriously the best Fergus had?
“I’ve got this, Dad.” Piper shook her head at her father’s attempts and smiled knowingly. “Tim’s right.You’re bloody right, Tim! He’s bloody right, everyone!” She took off her heels and began to jump up and down excitedly, punching the air. “Iamgoing to marry myself today. It’s a genius idea.” By now she had obviously totted up just how much extra publicity this ritual could potentially bring her and her precious career.
“Hannah,” Piper beckoned Freya’s assistant. Hannah tentatively walked to the altar. “Can I just check that I’d legally be allowed to get married for real at a later date… should the right man eventually come along?” she whispered.
“I think so, yes. A self-marriage is gestural as far as I know. Erm, perhaps you ought to check with the officiator though?” Hannah cocked her head to the spare wheel in their discussions.
Piper turned to their celebrant and smiled radiantly. “Do you think you could marry usnow? Me and my better half, that is?” Piper stroked the cheek of her cardboard cut-out and Tim didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, despite the fact it was he who had played matchmaker.
“I… it’s not exactly in my repertoire.”
Piper gave her a death stare.
“B-but since you’re all gathered here today – and since so much money has been spent on the celebration, as your father rightfully points out – it would be a shame to waste the moment. Oh, and yes, to reiterate what Hannah has just said, since there are no legal documents accompanying a self-marriage, you can definitely do things in the usual way in the future.”
“That’s settled then,” said Piper, rapture all over her face.
“Piper, are you sure about this?” Fergus quizzed, face scrunched up into an impressive monobrow.
“The girl knows her own mind, Ferg!” Piper’s mum piped up at long last, waving an emery board in the air now she’d finished buffing her nails. Evidently, she had also had time to process what this could mean forher: getting those talons professionally manicured at least once a week, for starters.
