Page 33 of The Wedding Cake
“I’ve never been more certain about anything in my life.” Piper put her hands on her hips to back up her statement. “Relax, Dad. You just close your eyes and think of all the Formula One merch and VIP tickets to the race tracks I’ll be able to buy you.”
Oh, yes. One of the few facts Tim had learned about his ex-partner’s father during their sixteen months together was his penchant for fast cars.
“Okay then, everybody.” The officiator reminded Tim of an auctioneer waiting to seal the deal with a hammer before anybody else could change their mind. “I have another wedding to get to later this afternoon so if we could all take our seats… except for Piper and her bride. The show must go on.”
Tim wasn’t sure where to put himself now his role in the ceremony had significantly changed, but he passed Piper’s wedding ring to the officiator and turned to see Hannah had produced a spare chair from thin air. She coaxed him back to the front row and onto his original seat, setting her own chair next to him. Mervyn, tutting, frowning, and reluctant to let any of this go, grabbed his perch from the end of his row and dragged it along the aisle, crumpling the silk runner, and rendering his walking stick charade pointless, as Tim had noted so often seemed to be the case, depending on circumstances. He too bagged himself a front row view, amidst the background tittle-tattle of the guests. Once again, Tim couldn’t look at his family sitting behind him, although he did feel the reassuring pat of his mam’s hand on his shoulder. He’d doubtless disappointed them all but he couldn’t go on disappointing himself. He deserved better. This was his life and they’d just have to deal with his choices.
The celebrant married Piper and her cardboard cut-out, in what Tim could only describe as the most bizarre experience of his life; Piper putting words into her double’s mouth and looking deeply into her eyes as they prepared for their future together. The guests couldn’t get enough of the happy occasion; snapping and filming and whooping away. Especially when Piper kissed herself. The bevvy of photographers, which ranged from their officially chosen Spanish one via Weddings in Paradise toSleb! Magazine’s crew, had a field day with the imagery and poses. And Piper Moss was in her element.
When the clamour finally died down, Tim went over to Piper to hug her and wish her and her double well.
“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you’re a breath of fresh air, Tim Nutkins. You understand me better than any other man ever has or will. I’m sorry it didn’t work out for us.” Piper sniffed unconvincingly. “And yet I’m not sorry. You deserve better. Now I’ve had a chance to stand here and think about my recent behaviour, I can see that I’ve put you through hell.”
“It’s been a life lesson for both of us,” said Tim. Well, it was true. “But what about Noah? I know it’s not exactly any of my business anymore, but where does he figure in your future plans?” Tim willed away the eccentric love triangle that had just flickered, quite unnecessarily, through his mind.
“Pfft. I have me and myself now. I don’t needhimanymore. Noah didn’t even put up a fight today! Just sat there like lapping everything up like Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson’s characters inThe Wedding Crasher. A right hanger-on. There’s a better man out there. I know it.Weknow it.” Piper looked, starry-eyed, at her beloved reflection made of cardboard. “I just need to be patient and wait for him. Until then I am sure we can amuse ourselves.” She winked at Piper Version 2.0.
Blimey. Tim needed a drink. This was all too much to process. It had gone down better than he could ever have imagined. With the slight exception of his family’s falling faces. He retreated into the background, keen to escape the spotlight.
“Seeing as this wedding is all about breaking from tradition.” Piper shouted to the gathering, pausing to pull her mobile phone out from her bust, frowning and eye-rolling as she scanned the screen for updates. “And seeing as some woman called Hayley has informed me on Rob’s behalf that he’s failed in his mission over at Mijas.” She tossed her phone behind her in annoyance. “I’m going to cut my beautiful swing seat wedding showstopper now – with my love – and we’re all going to have our cake and eat it.”
This put everybody in even higher spirits and the guests began to follow Piper, chatting and laughing – as if she was indeed the Pied Piper.
Rob?Was Tim missing something? Don’t tell him… yet another male on Piper’s list of conquests to help enhance her career. He didn’t want to wonder who on earth Hayley was. Yep, Tim had definitely made the right decision today.
“Tim?” Hannah looked suddenly panic-stricken. “Your ex will remember to stick to her bit of the cake, won’t she?”
Sugar-loaded sponge was the last thing Piper would worry about now, surely? Then again, probably not, this was Piper Moss Hannah was talking about…
“Hey!” Hannah rushed over to Piper, without waiting for Tim to reply, intent on ensuring she got her custom-made slices. Well, he supposed that whoever had baked the eight-tier masterpiece would want each couple’s half to live up to its expectations. He could only hope that the bride and groom in Mijas were having a smoother experience. “Make sure you eat your designated wedges and leave the rest for the others to enjoy, won’t you?” Hannah yelled after the bride atthiswedding, her words streaming behind her. “I mean… only your taste buds are suited to the acquired taste of Yacon syrup. You’ve worked so hard to stay trim and preserve that beautiful figure.” She laughed nervously at Piper’s rapidly disappearing back as the bride paced across the beach and up the cliffside with her lookalike under her wing. “You can’t let things slide now you’re married!”
“Why would Hannah be so meticulous about that?” Mervyn sidled up and nudged Tim. “And why is she still here, anyway? I swear I’ve seen that thug of a Ricky character loafing about in the background too, with his lurid green Versailles hair-do. What’s going on? Cake makers are never VIP enough to get an invite to the wedding. That’s the planner’s perk.”
“Hannah and Ricky were asked to keep a close watch until the cake got cut. In case there were any issues with it staying on the swing seat,” Tim explained, thinking surely Mervyn should be aware of all of this in his capacity as wedding planner. “As you’ll probably remember, Piper upgraded her requirements after the disaster with the double-booking.”
“Well, that was all Freya’s doing,” Mervyn shook his head and tutted dramatically. “Weddings in Paradise are punctilious when it comes to detail.”
“I know that ridiculous order book could not have been Freya’s idea.” Tim found himself shouting at the fool. “Everything else about FOM is swish and modern andreliable… with the strange exception of that old notebook, which was practically falling apart at the seams when she unveiled it with a grimace and recounted the details of the order to me. You know that book, too: a pencil on a string stuck to its cover in the same way that parents used to tie their kids’ mittens to their coats, the antiquatedspider scrawl handwritingon its pages assaulting all five of your senses.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about! And neither do you by all accounts. Stick to your day job, Mr Floppy Fringed Trampoline Fitness Instructor!” Mervyn sneered, getting to his feet and making a sprightly dart across the sand so he didn’t miss out on his cake. A startled Tim wondered how he kept in business if this was the way he insulted all his clients.
“Yay, Squirrel! Words cannot express how proud we are of you,” said Nath, bounding over to Tim now he, Josh and Kyle could finally get a word in.
Well, at least his friends were elated. He had yet to talk to his parents, but he’d seen that his mam had been lifted back up to the villa’s gardens by the security guards, where he would hopefully be able to explain himself to his family.
“I can’t thank you enough, lads. That went extremely well.” Tim patted each of them on the back. “The Pimm’s are on me. Well, on Piper and her wife. But actually, I did pay for the drinks bar, the flowers, and the honeymoon. Not that I’ll be jetting off any more, thank God. Neither of the Pipers will miss me. They’re staying at another Double Tap Towers.”
“Never mind the plonk. I’m just glad you let common sense prevail with that last-minute text message. Even if all four of us will now find ourselves splashed across social media. It was worth it to get the old Tim back.”
“I know.” Tim pulled all three of his friends toward him for a non-negotiable group hug. He felt the stress of the last sixteen months come crashing down on him again and wondered how he could have been taken for such a ride. “I was pretty lost there for a while,” he mumbled into Nathan’s shoulder before pushing him back. “But now I can see more clearly than ever before.”
Tim removed his expensive loafers and streaked across the sand towards Hannah and Ricky, before they headed home and he lost the chance to talk to Freya’s assistants. He’d need to swallow down his nerves but it was now or never.
Alas, the Nutkins clan were waiting for him at the villa’s back gates. Cathy dabbed away at her tears with a giant floral handkerchief. There was no escaping the dressing-down he was about to receive.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Tim’s dad did the speaking since his mam still couldn’t find the words. “We know it’s small change compared to the cost of the wedding but we’ve shelled out a fortune to be here. You should have said something. We’re your family. Me and your mam knew Piper wasn’t right for you. We did try to tell you a number of times, but, well… you seemed so set on things and you’re a fully grown man. We had to let ourselves believe you were caught up in the same kind of whirlwind we found ourselves in back in the day when folk got hitched quickly. An old head on young shoulders. Clearly that wasn’t the case.” Brian Nutkins’ brows furrowed and Tim felt sad when he saw the deep lines this accentuated. It wasn’t often they appraised one another in direct sunlight. His father’s face was beginning to put him in mind of that antique cake order book.
“And my flights weren’t cheap either,” Brittany whimpered, without as much as going in for a hug. How long had it been since she’d seen her younger brother? Five years, perhaps even six? And this was the way she greeted him? “Do you realise how little vacation I get working for an American corporation?”
