Page 8 of The Wedding Cake
“But you have already discovered it?”
“Honestly, Timothy! How many times have I tried to explain how much effort I’ve put into authentically curating my accounts? Seven seconds of this and some clever editing and upbeat music will get me on the For You Page on TikTok and semi-viral at the very least.” Piper fished her latest mobile phone out of the back pocket of her black leather trousers, pressed a few buttons, lost herself in a frenzy of screen tapping, and tossed the phone to Tim, instructing him:
“Angle it slightly from above to get the most flattering footage. The last thing I want is a double chin. And don’t shake! You’ll probably need to stand on your case. Quickly! I’ll need you to be my cameraman for at least the next half hour to capture all of the goodies here. I’m definitely getting my money’s worth when it’s costing me eight hundred euros a night.”
Tim gulped, dreading to think how much an entire week’s holiday in this place would cost in August. He did as he was told. He was more than familiar with the basic requirements of the video recording process on TikTok – unfortunately – and he was keen to get the faff over with as soon as possible. He clambered onto his case as if he were Piper’s assistant, pushed his fringe out of his face, and dutifully captured the moment that his giddy girlfriend ‘chanced upon’ the fancy pastel mini appliance for the second time.
Like what was this supposed to do for the world, other than depress or bankrupt people? Tim was a sensitive soul and it churned his stomach to think that his involvement in this little reel/story/whatever-the-current-social-media-terminology-was could end up leaving some impressionable teen, twenty-something, or midlife crisis sufferer stone broke.
Tim had been looking forward to quality time together as a couple, enjoying the simple pleasures of the Med in between wedding appointments. Sipping cool drinks on the terrace, taking romantic strolls around the marina, relaxing in cafés overlooking the beach and basking in shorts and T-shirts in the winter sun, if they got lucky and it hit over twenty degrees. In other words, living in the moment. Savouring the build-up to their big day. Not a chance! By the time they’d finished filming this, it would be midnight and then he could psyche himself up for more of the same over coffee and croissants the next morning. Well, croissants for him, Piper would be hunting out the soya yoghurt and goji berries.
“You really are one in a million. You do know that, don’t you?” said Piper, snapping him out of his thoughts. She reached for the bottle opener and glasses next to the fridge to pour them both some bubbles. “Not a single one of my exes understood or supported my career path the way you do. They weren’t able to handle my social media success. You’re a breath of fresh air, Mr. Nutkins.” She blew Tim a kiss and lifted her glass.
Tim accepted his own glass with a forced grin and swallowed guiltily. Suddenly he felt he’d been unfair, judging the ripple effects of Piper’s job. Who was to say that those who attended his classes didn’t have an unhealthy addiction to exercise? He didn’t know their backstories any more than Piper knew those of her viewers. He had no right to jump to conclusions. He was tired, that was all. It had been an early start to get to the airport and he should’ve allowed himself that extra coffee when they were in the air.
“Look, babe! GHD straighteners!” Piper crooned. “Do you realise howextrait is to find these in a hotel room?”
Tim couldn’t help but chew back a laugh. There was something so David Attenborough about Piper’s mannerisms as she made that statement. As if they were trekking through the Ugandan jungle and after hours of exhaustion she’d finally spotted a gorilla. Besides which, his girlfriend liked to put waves in her hair, so why would she even need to make it poker straight? And, if you were desperate, surely an iron would do?
That had been the hack his older sister, Brittany, had used back in the day before she went on a night out. Not that you’d catch her being quite so maverick now in her role as health and safety director for a large American corporation. Brittany had flown the nest not long after their mam’s fall from the top of the stairs in their home, which had left her paralysed from the waist down. Whilst the tragic accident had ignited a passion in his sister for ensuring others were looked after, unfortunately that didn’t seem to extend to her mother. Brittany had passed her occupational health qualifications, fled the country, reinvented the definition of career driven as she’d progressively climbed the ranks, and left Tim and their father to care for Cathy Nutkins.
Tim’s younger brother, Andy, might have helped his family had he not got himself tangled up in drugs aged not-so-sweet sixteen. Andy wassomewhere in Londonand doing ‘a bit of DJing for a club in Soho’ the last time he’d bothered to get in contact with his parents and older brother. Admittedly, Brittany might find time in her busy schedule to fly to Spain for the wedding, but Tim couldn’t imagine Andy making any effort. He’d have to track him down for starters.
Tim could hardly begrudge his sister for snapping up the opportunities in her path; Brittany had regularly sent money to his parents to help supplement Cathy’s lost income and help with her care needs, topping up his father’s factory wages. He felt less empathetic towards his brother, who had only added to the knots in everybody’s stomachs. Tim had tried hard to help Andy reorient his compass a number of times but his virtually-teetotal-by-comparison lifestyle didn’t hold the same allure as Andy’s friends’ tempting ways. It was just a shame that Brittany’s success and Andy’s going AWOL had happened so quickly after their mam’s accident, derailing Tim’s own education and career whilst he played teenage carer and frantically tried to search for his delinquent brother.
Dim Tim, some of his younger peers had loved to dub him in reference to his seniority, once he’d finally got himself to uni. The little shits didn’t know the half of it. He’d never bothered to fill them in on his backstory. They didn’t deserve the time of day. Still, he’d got there in the end. Look at him now. He wasn’t doing too badly for himself, all things considered…
Tim shook himself out of his deep thoughts, unsure quite how a humble household iron could take him so far away from the present. He got snap happy all over again, framing his subject and the next object of five minutes of her desire. He couldn’t help but wonder how he would fare if the boot (or trainer) was on the other foot and he asked Piper to dole out watermelon wedges to the clients at one of his classes in the hall. Again, he quickly realised he was being unreasonable. Piper’s work earned more money for their collective pot. It was as simple as that. Especially with a lavish wedding to pay for.
“Chupa Chup lollipops!” Now Piper was gliding over to the bedroom area, Tim trailing after her like an oversized puppy, mobile phone still in his hand as he awaited his next assignment. “Oh, I really need to get a saucy shot of me with one of these in my mouth, lounging on the bed.” His magpie girlfriend clutched the candy as if it were a precious posy of jewels. “Something suggestive, an arched brow, stripped down to my underwear but maybe wearing one of your shirts. Did you bring that white one I mentioned?”
“Well, yes. But I ironed all the creases out of it before packing. You wanted me to wear it for dinner at that Nobu restaurant you’d booked for tonight?”
Tim didn’t want to come across as needy or old-fashioned, much less a controlling boyfriend, but why did Piper’s shots increasingly lead to her showing so much flesh and shedding so many clothes? Why couldn’t she hold up the candy fully dressed? She looked perfect as she was. Less is more and all that. Besides, she never touched sugar.
“Don’t be a spoilsport. That’s what hotel housekeeping is for,” his girlfriend quipped. “C’mon, get it out!”
Okay, he vowed to stop questioning everything. The sooner he cooperated, the sooner he’d have Piper back to himself, her mind off her career and back into couple mode, when perhaps – not to be crude – he could get something else out instead. Things in that department definitely hadn’t come to a standstill but Piper was nowhere near as up for action as she used to be. Wedding stress had a lot to answer for. Tim opened his case and fumbled around for the shirt, handing it to a beaming Piper who ran to the bathroom to ‘get dressed’.
“I’ll be five minutes tops.” Tim doubled that and added on ten, sipping at his champagne to pass the time. He wished he could appreciate the stuff a little more, but it tasted like paracetamol dissolved in water to him. He’d much rather unwind with a beer. “Be a love and bring me my makeup trolley, would you?” Piper demanded within seconds.
Tim put his glass aside and walked back to the cabin bag full of cosmetics (the one that never travelled in the hold of the aircraft, just in case it never made it to Piper’s destination and said destination didn’t have a Sephora store), knocked on the bathroom door, handed Piper the goods and flopped onto the bed, checking himself out in the giant mirrored wardrobe. He thought those had gone out of fashion in the eighties? Who needed to gawp at themselves at all angles while they did the deed?
Yes, he was an attractive guy but he didn’t need to see himself starkers while he was otherwise engaged, although he couldn’t deny it wasn’t a turn on to watch his girlfriend in the reverse cowgirl position.
“She’s a lovely lass. Absolutely gorgeous.”
For some reason his mother’s recent comments flew into his head then. Ew, not the right moment. That flurry of thoughts did not go together at all.
“Ambitious like you are.” But Cathy’s words of twelve weeks ago continued to circle Tim’s mind regardless as he unintentionally dredged up her reaction to his speedy proposal (and Piper’s acceptance). “It’s just that¾”
Then his mother had stopped, yanking the rest of her sentence back from the tip of her tongue just before the point of no return, as if she’d managed to restrain herself in the nick of time. She’d pasted on a hasty smile instead.
“What?What is it, Mam?”
“Nothing.” Her eyes had glassed over. “It’s the emotion, that’s all. Be-because you’re the first. Your dad and I are made up that you’ve found somebody you want to spend your life with. What with Brittany vowing never to wed and that younger brother of yours unlikely to even contact us if a miracle should happen and he ends up on the straight and narrow. Y-you know me. I’ve never been much good with words. But we’re happy for you. As long as you’re happy, then we’re happy.”
Something about that conversation had felt askew, the last bit in particular, as if his parents were making a statement for him to ponder, sandwiching it with that layer about his siblings. But Tim had pushed it to the back of his mind.He was happy.How could he not be? Piper was the dream fiancée: gorgeous and ambitious, just as his mam had said, but kind-hearted and super thoughtful at times too. Like he’d said before, she was forever splashing out on him.
