Page 14 of Save Me

His voice carries all the hunger and yearning I’ve tried to contain for the past year, and I realize I’m projecting my feelings on him, hearing what I want to hear in his voice, and that’s utterly dangerous. Just because he’s attracted to me doesn’t mean it’s anything more. “Cooking. Yeah. I’ll just go get the steaks.” I stand abruptly, not thinking, and almost dump Ashley from the swing. “Oh shit! Sorry.” He’s alright, though obviously shocked at my sudden movement. I smile and point to his glass. “More wine?”

He shakes his head and grins as he re-situates himself on the swing. “No, I’m fine. Just sipping at this point. Otherwise, I’ll be asleep again before dinner’s over.” I nod, then turn back to the house. Once inside, I lean on the counter and watch him through the window. He’s so beautiful, and smart, and wickedly funny, and so damn hot. He’s everything I want, and he’s interested in me. That’s obvious now. But we can’t act on it. He’s going to leave again. He has to for his own safety. And if I entertain the idea, even for a moment, that it’s anything more, that he wants to be with me for longer than what time we have here, I’d have to accept that I’d need to leave my family and my job behind. The thought of never seeing my parents or my brothers or sisters, or my nieces and nephews, hits me like a blow to the solar plexus. I grip the counter and blink back the tears that well in my eyes. Damn. Damn it all to hell! Why do I have to choose? It’s so fucking unfair!

I scrub my hands across my face and give myself a mental shake, then get the zipper bags of steaks and potato wedges out of one of the coolers. I’d done most of the dinner prep while Ashley slept so the steaks could marinate and there wouldn’t be much delay once he woke up. I grab a cast-iron skillet, dump the seasoned potato wedges into it, then somehow juggle everything and make it through the back door without dropping anything. “Hey, Ash, give me a hand?”

Ashley glances at me, surprise and several other emotions flitting across his face before he smooths his features and reaches for the platter of steaks, pulling it to his chest possessively. I set the cast-iron skillet of potato wedges on the side burner of the grill and turn it on before taking back the plate of steaks and setting it aside. “We’ll let the potatoes get a start. The steaks won’t take that long.” I motion to some nearby chairs and we sit. “I can keep an eye on the grill better from here.” Ashley nods but doesn’t say anything. Maybe we got too cozy on the swing. This is a good way of putting some distance between us. “So, you could probably still keep Ashley as your first name. It’s not incredibly common, but it’s also not so rare as to stick out like a beacon.” It’s an abrupt change in conversation, but if it shocks him he doesn’t show it. I stand and step to the grill, giving the potatoes a flip in the pan, and glance over when he doesn’t immediately say anything. He’s been quiet since I came back outside.

“I was thinking of using it for my new identity, trying to keep with the wholeit’s easy to remember it’s you if the first name stays the samethat they mentioned in WITSEC orientation. I’d at least like to keep a first name with the Ash sound.” I raise my eyebrows and wait for him to explain. He glances out at the trees. “Oliver has always called me Ash instead of Ashley. It’s a name that will allow me to remember him.” He looks back at me and frowns. “Assuming there will be a new identity.”

Now I understand his earlier reaction. I’d called him Ash without even thinking about it. “I rang the office before I spoke with my mom. We had to make the deputy marshal responsible for your case aware of what happened, and that you were safe, so she didn’t report you missing. I also asked about a new identity for you. We should know more tomorrow or the day after.” I stand up and stir the potatoes around in the pan while I watch Ashley from the corner of my eye. He looks worried and embarrassed, and I hate seeing it.

“Jamie, thank you. For everything you’ve done for me. For risking your career and your life to help. I can’t tell you how much it means to me.”

My heart aches for him and I fight my urge to gather him in my arms, hold him tightly, and tell him everything is going to be alright. I’m not sure his prickly pride would tolerate it. I’m also not sure that it’s the truth. There are a lot of moving pieces in play and any one of them could derail a positive outcome. Not that he needs to be thinking about that right now. “You’re welcome.” Neither of us says anything for a few minutes, and I stare out over the lake, water now calm as glass and dark green with a bright orange splotch where the sun is setting. Ashley takes another sip of wine and his stomach lets out a loud growl, breaking the silence. I burst into laughter and he glowers at me. “Alright, I can take a hint. I’m putting the steaks on now. Another few minutes and we’ll eat.”

We sit for a little while, looking at the lake and sipping our wine as the food cooks. It’s not an uncomfortable silence, but Ashley seems a little melancholy, and I’m not sure what I can do about it. Without warning, he shoves himself to his feet and turns to me. “Shall I set the table?”

I blink and mentally switch gears. “Yeah, that would be helpful. Here.” I hand him my glass. “Will you take that in for me? I’m going to have my hands full in a minute with potatoes and steak.”

“Of course. Mustn’t let this go to waste.” He eyes my wine level like I’ve been shirking my duty.

“Oh, it won’t go to waste. I’m saving it for dinner.”

I wink at him and he quirks an eyebrow before taking my glass and walking away. “Call if you need me to help carry something.”

A few minutes later I fumble with the back door, and Ashley hurries to let me in. “Thanks. Here.” I hand him the plate of steaks and set the cast-iron skillet on the stove. “The steak nearest you is yours. Medium rare.”

He smiles at me and places a trivet on the table for the potatoes. “Water? Iced tea? Or are you okay with just wine?”

“I’ll have some water, but I’ll get it. Do you want anything?”

“Water would be nice. Thanks.”

I pull glasses from the cupboard, then grab two bottles of water and some ice from a cooler. Ashley moves the potatoes from the stove to the trivet, and then we both sit down and fill our plates. He puts the first bite of steak into his mouth, closes his eyes and moans, and any control I had over my body is gone. “Oh my god, Jamie, this is amazing.” He smiles, and even though it’s around the food in his mouth, it’s still incandescent. He opens his eyes and there’s a twinkle there as he takes in my flustered state. “How’s yours?”

“Not as good as yours, apparently.”

He raises an eyebrow again and takes another bite of steak. “How do you know?”

“What?” Sometimes I feel like I have conversational whiplash.

“How do you know mine is better than yours? You haven’t tried any.” He cuts a small bite of his steak and holds it out to me. I’m not sure if he’s serious, so I hesitate. He continues to wave the piece of steak at me, eyes alight and a cocky grin on his face. “Come on. You can’t say something like that without trying the things you’re comparing.” Ohreally.Okay, then. I hold his gaze and slowly open my mouth, letting my tongue slip just past my teeth. My lips close around the tines, and Ashley gently pulls the fork back as I chew slowly, hoping it comes across even remotely sexy. I’m not sure chewing is ever sexy. “How…” His voice comes out a bit raspy, and he swallows hard. “How is it?”

I continue to hold his gaze as I thoroughly chew, then swallow the bite. Then I bob my head back and forth, considering. “A bit tough on the outside, but it has a warm, tender center that practically melts on your tongue.”

Ashley looks flustered, and internally I raise a mental fist in victory. “I thought you didn’t like steak that way.” His hands shake as he tries to cut another bite.

“I’ve actually grown quite partial to it. So much so, it’s what I will prefer from now on.” I haven’t moved, or cut more of my own food, continuing to watch him intently, hoping he gets that, for my part, I’m not talking about steak.

“So, just any steak prepared this way will do?”

Yeah, he’s getting the idea. “Oh, no. Most definitely not. Truthfully, I haven’t had much interest in any other kind in over a year. My palate has become quite particular.”

We’re just staring at each other now, the food completely forgotten. “Mine too. I find everything pales in comparison.”

He sets his knife and fork down and places his hands flat on the table, but I see they’re shaking. I should tell him how much he means to me; clearly reveal all the feelings I have for him. “Ash.” It’s on the tip of my tongue. I could just say the words. But is that fair to him? Is it fair to me? Fuck. I hate this.

“Yes?”

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