Page 2 of Save Me

“Do you cook?” The question jolts me out of my reverie, and while my mind catches up to the conversation, I watch as he adds a pinch of this and a dash of that to the pan, measuring nothing. He must make this frequently, because that’s pretty impressive, at least to me. I snort indelicately, and that makes Jamie turn, finally giving me his full attention. My brain stutters to a halt, utterly wrecked, as I am hit with the power of a Jamie MacDougall grin. “I’ll take that as a no. Do you want to try?” I blame him for what happens next.

Without thinking, I find myself right next to him, eagerly nodding. “I’m afraid I haven’t the first clue how to make anything that doesn’t involve the microwave, the contents of a can, or a telephone. You’ve been warned.” He laughs and I stare, dumbfounded. We’ve been together almost every day for months and I have never heard a full-blown laugh from him. Sure, he’s made a few amused sounds, and once even chuckled. I thought that was a miracle! Now I’m desperately trying to think of ways to make him laugh again, because it’s the best sound in the entire world.

“All right, why don’t I show you how to chop the garlic. That’s fairly straightforward, and in my opinion, you can never have too much.” I hesitantly set my tea on the counter.Whatam I doing? Jamie hands me the knife, hilt first, like I have a clue what to do with it, and motions for me to step in front of the cutting board. “It won’t bite you, Ashley.”

I swallow hard and look him in the eyes. “You don’t know that. You’ve never seen me in the kitchen.” I take the knife from him and hold it in a vice-like grip while I stare at the clove innocently lying on the cutting board and do my best to glare it into submission.

There’s another soft chuckle from Jamie, and my heart beats a little faster. “Here, let me show you.” He steps up behind me and places his hands over mine. A jolt of electricity zips through my fingers. As if that isn’t reason enough to extricate myself from the situation, the warmth of his body near mine, and the light puff of his breath against my cheek short out my brain and my body responds in highly inappropriate ways. While I’m holding a sharp instrument.

Jamie inhales sharply and pauses, and I briefly think perhaps he feels it too. Then, before I can make a fool of myself, I’m reminded of how many times I’ve thought the same thing, and how every time I’ve been wrong. Jamie clears his throat and continues as if nothing is amiss, once again proving my point. “You hold the knife like this, your index finger crooked and pressed against the spine of the blade.” No matter how hard I try, I’m unable to concentrate on the words coming out of his mouth. He’s incredibly close. It would take little effort to press myself back and grind against him. I take a very long, deep breath. Yes, I definitely deserve a medal.

“I’m sorry. Would you mind saying that again?” My voice is rough and breathy and sounds as wrecked as I feel. Neither of us moves. It’s like we’re caught in some kind of limbo. The air is supercharged, and I can’t help myself. I lean back and rest my full weight against his chest. I swear his lips brush my cheek, but it happens so quickly I can’t be sure. What I do know is my hands would be shaking if Jamie weren’t holding them still. I want him so much I ache with it. “Jamie.” I think we both realize at the same time that I’ve used his first name. Before I can correct myself, he takes a step away.

I spin on my heel, knife still in my hand, and he jumps back. “Whoa! Watch out!”

His cheeks are a deep shade of rose and he’s rubbing the back of his neck nervously, but smiling. I’ve never seen anyone look so terrified and sexy at the same time. I slap the knife on the cutting board and take a breath before turning around again, hands held up to show they’re empty. “Sorry.” We’re in the middle of the kitchen just staring at each other, and it’s becoming awkward again. “It would be best if you finished. I’m a menace in the kitchen.” I plaster a neutral smile on my lips and retrieve my tea, my heart hammering in my chest. This time I keep out of his way, retreating to the doorway. Jamie watches me, but it’s difficult to tell what he’s thinking. “If it’s not a bother, I’d like to continue to watch. Perhaps I’ll pick up a few things.”

That earns me another smile. Lord, what a gorgeous smile he has, and he’s handing them out as if he hasn’t been hoarding them. “It’s not a bother.”

There’s another lull in the conversation and I briefly allow my mind to wonder what it might be like if things were different, and Jamie was cooking for me on a date. Perhaps in my kitchen, which would definitely be so much better than this drab little room with its beige walls and cheap appliances. If you’re going to daydream, you might as well do it up. I’d decorate in cool tones of gray and charcoal, and have stainless steel appliances, granite countertops, and a goddamn espresso machine! And a wine refrigerator. Oh god.Wine.“A lovely Sangiovese would pair nicely with the red sauce.” I wouldkillfor a glass of wine right now, but I need to be in court tomorrow and I have to be sharp, or the defense attorney will rip me to shreds. Instead, I take a sip of my tea and tell myself there will be wine in my future. Lots of wine. Sooooo very much wine. “You’ll have to try one the next time you make this.”

Jamie looks over and nods slowly. “Alright. Thanks. I’m clueless about wine. I’m more of an ale or stout drinker.” I make a face and he laughs. “I didn’t say lager or pilsner! I’m talking about finely crafted, full-bodied ales.”

I roll my eyes at him and grin. “Oh please! My dear Deputy Marshal, beer is beer, and in no way, shape, or form, will ever compare to a full-bodied red with hints of cherry and licorice, or roasted pepper undertones.”

I wait for the snide remark from Deputy Marshal Duncan Brown, which usually accompanies my sass. He’s Jamie’s partner, and from what I can tell, his best friend. When it doesn’t happen, I realize it’s just been the two of us for quite a while. I’ve been so distracted that I hadn’t even noticed. A cold knot forms in the pit of my stomach. There are always two agents watching me. Always. I glance around the kitchen like he’s going to pop out from behind the refrigerator or walk in from the other room. Only it doesn’t happen. My heart races and my hands prickle with pins and needles. I can’t breathe. Oh god, I can’t get air into my lungs!

In an instant, Jamie is next to me. “Ashley, what’s wrong?”

“Where’s Deputy Marshal Brown?” My lungs are burning. “Why isn’t he here? Why aren’t there two of you?” A ringing starts in my ears, and my vision narrows. A wave of nauseous hits and I’m sweating, even though it’s freezing in here. Something is wrong! They’ve found me! We have to leave, don’t we? We should hide! Strong hands grip my shoulders, gently squeezing. The pressure is enough to derail my train of thought, and my gaze locks on Jamie’s amber eyes.

“Ashley.” His voice is very far away, but it’s calm and soothing. “Ashley, breathe with me. In… and out.” I blink a few times and try to do as he asks, concentrating on his steady, clear gaze, and the pressure of his thumbs pressing into my shoulders. “Ashley, it’s all right. You’re safe. Tell me what you need.”

I’m not sure when or how I make it to the sofa, or how long I sit there, but I can hear Jamie talking to me. I can’t quite make out words, but I focus on the gentle timbre of his voice and my own breathing. Slowly my vision clears and the terror retreats.

“Ashley.” There is such concern in his voice it makes me want to cry. He’s such a good man. So much better than I am. “There you are.” Jamie rubs the inside of my wrists with his thumbs. “Do you need some water?” I stare at him and slowly my brain comes back online. He must notice because he answers the question I’d asked in the kitchen. “Deputy Marshal Brown is watching the perimeter. We thought it would be better to have someone outside monitoring things since tonight’s your last night. I’m sorry, I should have told you.”

Even through the fog, my brain recognizes what he hasn’t said. If the cartel is going to attempt to silence me, it has to be tonight or tomorrow on the way to the courthouse. “He’s just outside. Everything is fine.”

“Of course.” I blink slowly and offer him a wan smile. “I’m sorry. Please, forgive me.” I glance away, trying to collect myself, but he places his palm lightly against my cheek. Without thinking, I close my eyes and lean into its warmth.

“Ashley. You’ve been so incredibly brave through this whole ordeal.” I make an indelicate sound. Please. I’m not brave, I’m a mess. I just hide it well. Most of the time. Jamie won’t let it go. He keeps repeating my name until I look at him. He smiles and brushes his thumb against my cheek. “One more night. You can do this.”

I’m sick to my stomach. After tomorrow, I’ll be utterly alone. There will be no one to hold my hand or talk me through a panic attack. There will be no one to smile at me with soft amber eyes or make me my favorite tea. I’ll fly off to a strange city and a new identity. Nothing will be familiar. Jamie won’t be there. Fuck. I can’t do this. Not alone. I’m doing something good, for once. I’m doing the right thing and I’m being punished for it! “Ashley, I don’t know anyone else who could keep it together under the same circumstances.”

Fear and anger collide, and instinct takes over. “Circumstances?” I raise one eyebrow and sneer. My brain wails nooooooo, but my mouth pays no attention. “Let’s talk about circumstances. We can start with the one where my best friend Oliver, myonlyfriend in the entire world, lies alone in a hospital bed, dying of a degenerative disease that has no known cure.” None of this is Jamie’s fault. He’s been nothing but kind to me, trying to help, but I can’t stop myself. “Or how about the one where I can’t be with him through any of that because I’m helping to put his father in jail for illegal drug research and trials, which were undertaken solely in the hope of saving his only son from certain death.” I snap my fingers and lean in, anger and fear pouring from every inch of me even as I groan internally at the devastation I am wreaking against someone who deserves none of my ire. “Wait! You mean the circumstances where the pharmaceutical company that employed both of us, the one that dumped a small fortune into his research purely so they can be the first with a cure and patent the formula to make themselves another hundred billion dollars that they do not need, hired a cartel to silence me once I found out what was going on.” I wave my hand in the air and make a dismissive sound. “Really, Deputy Marshal, that’s just another day in the life of Ashley Pandey.” I look him square in the eyes and I make my face go blank as all emotion drains from me as quickly as it arrived. “I cut my teeth on far worse. Trust me.”

He must hear the truth of my words because there’s only sympathy and concern in his eyes. It’s what finally stops my tirade. Jamie gathers me into his arms and strokes my back soothingly. “I’m so sorry, Ashley. This is a lot, and I know you’re scared. But I’m proud of what you’re doing.” If I had the energy, I might be shocked at the embrace. Instead, I melt into him, pressing my face into his neck, letting the smell of his soap and cologne calm me. The enormity of the situation is overwhelming, and Jamie is offering me comfort I donotdeserve, but sorely need, so I take it, and feel guilty. There’s a prickling behind my eyes, but I won’t allow the tears. I willnotcry. I press closer as his arms tighten around me, and little by little I stop shaking. What wouldn’t I give to stay right here forever? I sigh, knowing at any moment he’ll realize what’s happening and push me away. He’ll let go, stand up, and leave me adrift like everyone else. Before he can reject me, I push back.

“Thank you, Deputy Marshal. My sincerest apologies for my uncalled-for outburst. I was quite out of line.” My stomach picks that moment to growl loudly.

“Hungry?” Jamie’s chuckle surprises me, and I’m shocked to realize he’s not the least upset with me. I’m not sure if I should be upset or grateful. After all, it was a fairly epic melt down. He laughs again and squeezes my hand. It’s infectious and makes me want to laugh too, but that would ruin the drama of the moment. Instead, I harrumph loudly, and try, but fail, not to grin.

“More like hangry. You did promise to make me dinner, and yet here you are, lounging in the living room. I might perish before we get to eat. I’ll have to miss the trial and it will be all your fault. You’ll have to tell the judge that you failed in your duty to protect me, because you allowed me to starve to death.” Jamie laughs and presses his lips to my temple. It can’t quite be called a kiss, but I’m sure it happened this time. A little thrill of excitement wars with the guilt of how I’ve just behaved, and now I’m more confused than ever.

I force myself not to whimper as he gently moves away. “Hey, I haven’t lost a witness yet, and I’m certainly not going to start with you.”

Mortified at my lack of composure, I sit up and smooth down my mustache, then drag my fingers through my hair. I must look a mess. “I’ll let you finish cooking while I find the bottle of pain relievers for this splitting headache.” It’s not a lie. The pain in my head increases and I gently rub my temple. “Try not to miss me too much. I won’t be long.”

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