Page 20 of Save Me

I laugh out loud. “You’re not wrong.”

He looks offended that I’d even suggest that he might be. “I am aware.”

“And you’re an only, without a doubt.”

He looks down his gorgeous aquiline nose at me. “Oh? Please enlighten me. What only child characteristics do you believe I exhibit?”

I love it when he gets all pompous and snarky. “Well. You’re independent and like it that way. You hate to ask anyone for help because you think it might make you appear weak or ignorant. You’re a raging overachiever. You’re success oriented and detest failing at anything.” I can see he’s bristling, but before he can snap at me, I cut him off. “You’re highly sensitive, and that’s a good thing in my opinion. You’re incredibly hard on yourself. Unnecessarily, I might add.” I pull him against me. “And you are scarily intelligent, and extremely loyal to those you love.”

He harrumphs at me, but I can see he’s happy at what I’ve said. “Well, I am scarily intelligent.”

“And loyal.” I grin and kiss him softly before I step back and continue walking, gently tugging him along.

“Your siblings; the next oldest is Camdyn, right?”

Ash hasn’t let go of my hand, and I give it a squeeze. “Yeah. Cam. He’s married to Angie, and they have a son Ben who’s ten, and twin daughters, Gia, and Dani. They’re seven. After Cam is our sister, Fiona. She’s married to Sam and they have two boys. Will is thirteen and Jasper’s eleven. Then there’s Kenna, who is married to Clare. They don’t have any kids yet, but they’re talking about it. And the youngest is Quinn. He’s not married, and as far as I know he’s not currently seeing anyone. He’s very focused on building his career at the moment.”

“And are you all close?”

I’m surprised by how interested he sounds until I consider what he’s mentioned about his family situation, which honestly isn’t a lot, but it’s enough to know his parents will not win any awards for child rearing, and he really doesn’t have anyone else besides Oliver. My family must seem completely foreign to him. “Yeah, we are. We all live within an hour of my parents’ farm, and we see each other a lot. I suppose I’m closest to Quinn, though. Even though there’s nine years between us we’ve always just clicked.”

Ashley slows a bit and squeezes my hand. “Why?”

I suppose it’s not an odd question, but it somehow surprises me that of everything he could ask, Ash is interested in that. “Because we’re pretty much the same person. Sometimes that leads to more head-butting than harmony, but for us it means we understand each other’s motivations. It’s difficult to be mad at someone who reasons out decisions in the way you would. It also allows a level of trust that means he tells me things he normally doesn’t tell anyone else, and he knows I’ll understand.” Ash nods like he gets the theory but doesn’t quite believe it’s real, though he doesn’t argue the point.

I continue talking for a while, telling him all about my family, what everyone is like, how we all get along, who butts heads, and how we all come together once a month to have dinner at the farm. “We see each other more than that, but usually not the entire clan at once.”

Cautiously, I ask Ashley about his family, and something passes over his face. I think it might be embarrassment. “You don’t need to talk about it if you’d rather not.”

“No, it’s fine.” He smiles and squeezes my hand, so I squeeze back, offering what little support I can. He takes a deep breath. “Both of my parents were born and raised in the Gujarat area of India. Each was an only child, though my mother had an older brother who died when he was six. I’m not completely sure about the circumstances, but I know it was devastating for the family. I had the impression my grandparents were not pleased their daughter lived while their precious son died. That might explain why she’s such a bitter person.” He shrugs and is quiet for a minute, but then shakes it off and continues. “When my parents came of age, they were sent to the U.S. to attend the correct universities to further their careers. My mother is a doctor, and my father is a business executive and low-level diplomat. Well, as far as I am aware.” My frequent glances go unnoticed as he keeps his eyes focused on the path about ten feet in front of us. He looks pained, but before I can offer to change the subject, he continues. “They both come from very rich, ultra-conservative families.” He raises our joined hands. “This? This would not have been acceptable to any of them. In fact, I was betrothed to marry a lovely young woman my parents had picked out for me when I was two. A daughter of a well-respected family back in India.”

“Really? An arranged marriage? That’s kind of outdated, isn’t it?” I don’t do a decent job of hiding my shock. “Sorry, I don’t mean to judge. I’m just surprised.”

He just nods. “It’s a completely understandable reaction, and yes, in my opinion, it’s a very outdated tradition. But my parents’ marriage was arranged, and they see nothing wrong with the practice. It does still happen, though in many instances the young people slated to be married can say no. At any rate, I grew up assuming it would happen, not knowing any better, or really, what it meant, until middle school.”

I can tell where this is going, and I wince. He sees my face and nods again. “Exactly. When I realized I was very excited by the way the boys filled out their clothes and not at all by the girls, I started questioning things.”

I wince again. “I suppose that wasn’t well received.”

He laughs, though it sounds bitter. “No.” Many emotions flash across his face, all of them negative. “Suffice it to say, they made it abundantly clear that my preferences made me disgusting and useless to them, and they fully expected me to ignore that part of myself and fulfill the marriage contract, regardless.”

Intellectually I knew I’d had it easy growing up; that sitting at a well-worn kitchen table in a home full of love and acceptance, and coming out to parents who I knew would love me no matter what, wasn’t everyone’s experience. Still, hearing Ash’s story, how cold and callous his parents had been, is like a knife to my chest. “Fuck! What did you do?”

“It wasn’t so much what, as who.” Ashley’s mouth twists into a rueful attempt at a grin. “While I was still young, there wasn’t much I could or needed to do. It didn’t have as large an impact on my day-to-day life. As I got older, there were more arguments and lots of rebellion, with corresponding punishments. By the time I went off to college there wasn’t enough alcohol or men to fuel the rage in my heart or the emptiness in my soul.” I glance at him, hearing the pain in his words, but he’s looking into the trees and except for the tightness in his jaw, his profile is unreadable. I keep my silence, letting him think his thoughts without butting in, and he eventually sighs and turns to me, a tight smile on his face. “It was not my finest moment. Or, decade, really. But it did the required job with my parents and my bride-to-be. I was disowned and considered dead to them. I haven’t spoken to any of my relatives in…” He does some quick math in his head. “Fifteen years.” I can’t imagine being so blasé about something that devastating. Then again, we had very different families. If mine were like what he’d just described, perhaps I would rather never speak to them too. He winks at me like it’s no big deal. “Don’t look so distressed, Jamie. It all worked out in the end.”

“This may be too personal and tell me to mind my own business if you want.” I look him in the eyes, so he knows I’m serious. “How did you end up as well adjusted as you are?”

Ashley laughs and shakes his head. “Some might argue that I’m not so very well adjusted.” He grins and follows me along the path. “I had Oliver and his parents. They became like my family and showed me what that really meant.” I wonder how many people he’s told this to. I can guess not many. “The initial years with them were a little rough. Changing deeply internalized expectations and behaviors takes a while to undo, but eventually I stopped drinking ridiculous amounts of alcohol and sleeping with any gorgeous thing that expressed an interest. It’s a wonder I came out of it relatively whole.” He squeezes my hand and smiles softly. “I do know how lucky I am.”

The revelation is deeply personal, and the vulnerability and fear in his eyes make me want to gather him into my arms and hold him. So I do, offering him what support and comfort I can. “Thank you for telling me.” Now that we aren’t moving, I can feel his body shaking and it hurts my heart in ways I’ve never experienced before. “I wish your life had been easier. I wish you hadn’t gone through all of that.” I want to tell him he has me now. That he has my family, and we’ll all be there for him, and support him, because they would adore him like I do. But I can’t make those promises. Not when we don’t know what his future looks like.

We quietly hold each other until Ashley stops shaking. I kiss the side of his head and he sniffs loudly, wipes his face with the back of a hand, then takes a step back and clears his throat. “Well, it made me who I am, and I do love myself. I’m proud of who I’ve become and what I’ve accomplished, and anyone who thinks differently can fuck right off.” He waves his hand around like he’s brushing all the bad topics away. “Plus, Oliver was a huge bright spot. I’d live through it all again just to have him in my life.”

It’s good to see the genuine smile that accompanies the mention of Oliver. Equal parts curiosity and a desire to keep the smile in place prompt me to ask about him. “Tell me about Oliver.” Thankfully, Ash dives right in. He tells me all about their adventures in college, about the special bond they have, and how kind, generous, patient, and important Oliver is to him. As he talks, I lace our fingers together again and feel his gentle squeeze, but we keep making our way around the lake like this is something we do all the time. I really wish we could. “And you two never were together?”

Ashley laughs. “No. He’s like my brother, and I would do anything for him. But there were never any romantic or sexual feelings between us.” He squeezes my hand as if to reassure me he’s telling the truth. “Although there were a few times where we pretended to be together to save one of us from some obnoxious lech who wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

“I think we’ve all been in that situation.”

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