Page 28 of Save Me

“But how can you love me?” Even I can hear the doubt and hope in my voice, and I’m embarrassed by how much I need to know his answer.

“I’m not sure I understand your question.” Jamie pulls me closer, and I melt into his embrace. “Do you mean how can I love you in the amount of time we’ve been together? I had over a year to think about you while we were apart. I knew a few weeks after you left that I was in love with you, and letting you go was the worst mistake of my life.” Jamie leans closer. “Or do you mean how can I love someone like you?” My heart drops because that is exactly what I meant.

“My sweet Ash.” He caresses my cheek with his fingertips. “You are amazing. You’re witty, and charming, and so smart it’s scary. But you’re also kind, and you love so fiercely. I see it when you talk about Oliver. You love with everything you are, and I can only hope that someday you’ll feel that way about me.” That brings me up short. Does he seriously think I feel differently? I’m about to say so but Jamie’s lips are so close his breath tickles against my skin. “I don’t care what name you choose, Ash. That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

His lips are firm and soft as he places a gentle kiss against mine. I whimper and press closer, wrapping my arms around his neck and clinging to him like he’s my lifeline. Which, honestly, he is. Our kiss isn’t frenzied tongues, frantic groping, and uninhibited moans, but it’s the most passionate kiss I’ve ever experienced. It’s emotional, meaningful, reassuring, and full of so much promise my soul aches with it. Jamie loves me. Lovesme. A smile tugs at the corner of my mouth, and as the kiss slowly ends, I feel Jamie’s smile in return. “I can’t believe you just quoted Shakespeare at me.”

“It worked, didn’t it?” His voice sounds shaky, and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one whose reality just shifted.

“Yes. Despite your cornball tactics.” I brush my fingertips against Jamie’s cheek and stare into his eyes, dizzy, like I’m about to jump into the abyss. Which I willingly do. “I love you too, you know.”

The softening in Jamie’s eyes, and the way his whole body relaxes, both please and shock me. “Thank goodness. It would have been incredibly awkward otherwise.” Jamie grips the back of my neck and looks intently into my eyes. “Wherever you go, I’m going with you. No matter what name you pick, I will still love you. We’ll figure it all out, I promise.” I think I’ll be smiling for quite a while.

* * *

I lie on the pillow next to Jamie and watch him sleep. He looks so peaceful, so incredibly sweet, and it takes all of my willpower to keep from reaching out, but I don’t want to wake him. Oliver could always tell when I was like this, and would call, even if it was two in the morning. We’d talk through whatever was pinging in my head, sometimes until dawn. I miss him. I have so much I wish I could tell him.

I slide down under the covers and softly kiss Jamie’s lips, then roll onto my side and snuggle back against him, shivering slightly as a gentle gust of wind blows through the open window. Jamie wraps his arm around me and pulls me closer, mumbling against the nape of my neck. “You okay?” I nod, comforted by his sleep-softened voice, and his hand placed possessively across my chest. “Need anything?”

“Just you, right here, holding me. That’s all I need.” I put my hand over Jamie’s, lacing our fingers together, and relax against him, asleep in moments.

* * *

The bed jostles, and a gust of cold air hits me as the covers are thrown back. I’m barely alert enough to realize that Jamie’s across the room and talking on the phone. The handset glows softly in the darkness.

“No. I’m glad you called, Duncan.” I push myself into a sitting position, rubbing my face as I try to wake my sleep-addled brain. It’s pitch-black outside, so we haven’t been asleep long. “I’ll let him know.” Thehimhas to be me, and now I’m wide awake. I carefully find the matches in the side table drawer, light the oil lamp, and stare at Jamie expectantly. By the set of his shoulders, whatever it is, it’s something bad. “Yeah, Social Security, Driver’s License, Passport. The works. Can you do that? And tell me when they’re ready and we’ll come back into town.” There’s another pause and Jamie shakes his head. “No. I’ll tell her when I get back. I should do that in person. Thanks, Duncan.”

Jamie hangs up and sags against the dresser. “Jamie?” My heart is racing as I try to guess what’s happened. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure I can, and I start to panic. “What is it?”

Jamie sets the phone on the dresser and takes the few steps to the bed. It dips under his weight as he climbs back in and takes my face in his hands, brushing his thumbs over my cheeks. “Ash, I’m sorry.” He looks into my eyes with such sympathy. “It’s Oliver.”

My blood runs cold. “What happened?”

“They’ve moved him home.”

My heart plummets and I exhale like someone has punched me in the stomach. We both know what that means. I’ve been expecting the news, but it’s still painful and surreal. I’m not ready. I always thought I’d be more ready. “When?”

“A few hours ago.” He grips my face and dips his head to catch my eyes. “Ash, sweetheart, you can’t go. You know you can’t. The cartel will be watching his house. They’d have you in minutes.”

I nod absently, emotionally numb. “I know.” And I do. It doesn’t mean I don’t wish it were different. Jamie pulls me into his arms, and I rest my head against his broad shoulder. He’s so sturdy. So present. I wish I could appreciate it. “He’ll be glad to be home.” I want to cry, but the tears won’t come.

“I’m sure he is. The caregivers will make him as comfortable as possible. He won’t be alone.” Jamie strokes my hair and rocks me gently, as if any of it will comfort me. If only it would. “He’d want you to be safe, Ash.” Although Jamie has been calling me that since we got here, the name hits me like a sledgehammer, and I start to shake, my tears flowing unchecked down my cheeks. Jamie kisses my temple and holds me close “It’s alright, sweetheart. It’s alright. I have you.” He tightens his arms around me, pulling me into his lap, and croons nonsense words into my hair. I ugly cry into Jamie’s neck, my arms crossed protectively against my chest as the pain threatens to consume me. “I love you, Ashley. And I’m here for you, whatever you need.”

I cry out of sorrow. I cry in frustration. I cry until there are no more tears left, and the only thing I feel is a bone-deep weariness. I lean heavily against Jamie, numb and staring off at nothing, and offer no protest when he gently lays me down on the pillows and curls himself around me. “I have you, love.” He kisses the top of my head and pulls me close. “Go to sleep, sweetheart.”

I take a shuddering breath and settle back against him, but I don’t close my eyes. I stare through the wall, my gaze focused on a place hundreds of miles away, in a mansion in Seattle, where Oliver lies dying. Alone. With no one who loves him. I press back against Jamie, soaking up all the love and comfort I can, and when his warm breath is steady against the back of my neck, and his arms loosen ever so slightly, I silently wish things could be different.I’m sorry, love. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.

I gently slide out of bed and dress quietly. I scan the room and sigh, glancing at Jamie, asleep in the bed where I want to be, but I’m needed somewhere else. I take nothing with me as I make my way downstairs in the dark and grab the car keys from the hook in the kitchen. The front door opens and closes noiselessly, and I send silent thanks to Mr. MacDougall for his precise craftsmanship. The Rover’s engine turns over, and I’m sure the sound wakes Jamie, so I quickly throw the car in reverse and coast backward down the driveway, only pressing the gas once I get out onto the forest road. I desperately want to, but I don’t look back in case Jamie has made it to the driveway. I can’t let him stop me. I hit the gas and head for civilization.

10

Jamie

Something wakes me, and I realize Ash isn’t beside me. The sheets are cold to the touch, so it’s been a while since he got up. The bathroom door is open, and no sounds come from in there, so he must be downstairs. Dread fills my chest because I know how devastated he was about Oliver. I jump out of bed and pull on my jeans, hoping fervently that he hasn’t done something stupid. I’m still pulling up my zipper as my feet hit the first step, and I hear the Land Rover’s engine turn over. “Fuck! Ash!” I take the steps three at a time and rush out the door just as the taillights disappear down the main road. “Fuck!” I pull my fingers through my hair and glance around like I’ll find some answer to what I’m supposed to do now. “Fucking fuuuuuuuck!” The shout echoes off the lake and drifts into the darkness. There isn’t a doubt in my mind where he’s going, and I can’t do a thing about it. Panic grips my chest and for the first time in my life I am truly terrified for someone I love. Before I spiral into unproductive thoughts, I scrub at my face and take a deep breath. Alright. It’s done. He’s gone and I have no vehicle. How do I save him? I head into the house and grab the SAT phone.

It rings once before a gravelly voice picks up. “Duncan. And someone better be dying.”

“It’s Jamie. I need your help.” I’m surprised at how calm my voice sounds. It certainly doesn’t match how I feel.

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