Page 4 of Save Me

It’s where I came out to my parents twenty years ago, when I’d finally met a guy at college who meant enough to me to bring home. I’d known for a few years before then that I was bisexual. Amusingly enough, so had my parents. So the whole formal announcement was a bit unnecessary, but I was glad I’d done it, regardless. My sister Kenna said it’d made it easier for her to come out to the family, and by the time my brother Quinn realized he was gay it was a non-event. He’d off-handedly mentioned it to the room just before he asked my sister Fiona to pass the mashed potatoes.

I sit down at the table and my mother sets a glass of iced tea in front of me, kisses my cheek, then pulls out a chair to sit next to me. “Tell me.” I glance over at her, my eyebrows raised, a small smile on my lips, and she just smiles back knowingly. “We’re always glad to see you, Jamie, but you rarely stop by on weekdays. So tell me, love, what’s going on?”

I sigh and rub my neck, still trying to figure out what I want to say, because there isn’t a lot I’m allowed to say. As I start to speak, my father comes in from the living room. “Hey, Da.”

He’s a big man, tall like me, with lots of natural muscle earned from hard work on the farm, but where I’m blond and my hair is shorter, his hair is dark brown and shoulder length. I stand and hug him as tightly as I can. My dad’s hugs are the best. They can be a bit overwhelming sometimes, but there is no doubt that he’s hugging you with all of himself, and you can tell there’s no place he’d rather be, or anything he’d rather be doing. I fight the prickling at the back of my eyes because it’s so incredibly safe. “Hey, son.” He lets me hold on for as long as I need, not saying anything or trying to pull away until I’m ready. I finally let go, and he gives me a smile. “It’s good to see you.”

“Thanks, Da. It’s good to see you too.” I sit back down, and he turns to my mother, giving me a minute to get myself together as he leans down to kiss her cheek. They murmur to each other for a bit, then my mom nods and pats his hand. He straightens up, looks at me, and jerks his head toward the barn. “I need to go check on the cows. When you’re done talking to Ma, come on out. I have a project I want to show you.” I nod once and watch him go outside. Over the years they’ve developed a system for dealing with their children’s dilemmas. My mother pulls the information from whichever of her children needs to spill their guts, and then my father puts us to work, letting our minds have a rest while we wear out our bodies. It’s actually a fantastic setup. When I get out to the barn, he’ll have something ready for me, and I’m looking forward to it.

“So.” My mother turns her attention back to me. “What’s the matter, love?”

I laugh ruefully. “Nothing, really. I just…” What am I going to say? I miss a guy I can’t stop thinking about, but will never see again? It sounds whiny and ridiculous, so I go for a generic response and hope for the best. “I couldn’t stand looking at the four walls of my place anymore. I needed to be with the people I love.” I take her hand and hold it in mine. “Tell me about what’s going on with you guys.” She hears my unspoken plea for a little more time.

To her credit, my mother doesn’t roll her eyes at me, or push me to say more. She just squeezes my hand and tells me about what she and my father have been up to. I hear all about the upcoming projects on the farm, and how last week the neighbor’s sheep found their way into our pasture again. She talks about the weekend’s visit by my sister Fiona, her husband, and their two kids, and then fills me in on the latest painting she’s working on. I let her warm voice envelop me in easy conversation, like a comforting blanket.

She carries our conversation for a good hour until I find my balance again. She must see it because she pins me with a look that means business, and I know it’s my turn. I give up and tell her the one thing I’m allowed to say. “It’s a guy.”

Her face lights up and she grabs my hand, giving it a little squeeze. “Love, that’s wonderful.”

I can see she wants to say more, or ask questions, but she waits for me to continue. I hate to burst her bubble. She’s so eager for all of us to settle down and find our person, maybe have a family. I’m beginning to think that’s not going to happen for me. “Not really.” She does a decent job of hiding her disappointment, but her smile is a little sad, and it guts me. I rub my neck and gaze out the window. I don’t like lying to my mother, but with my job it’s sometimes necessary, so I stick as close to the truth as I can. “It didn’t work out.”

She squeezes my hand again, her eyes filled with sympathy. “I’m sorry, love. What happened?”

I clench my jaw tightly and take a breath. “Work. Distance. The usual things, I suppose.”

She watches me for a few moments and her voice turns soft. “Oh, Jamie, you really cared for him.”

I nod again, blinking away the prickling behind my eyes. “Yeah.” It comes out shaky and rough, and I can tell she’s carefully choosing her words.

“Did he feel the same?”

Did he? I thought so, but who knows for sure. And if he did, was it because he was interested in me, or because he was afraid, and alone, and I made him feel safe? If he cared, does he still? I didn’t give him any encouragement at the time. I couldn’t. He was my witness. My responsibility. I had to keep things professional, no matter how much I wanted to do otherwise. “I honestly don’t know, Ma. Yeah? Maybe?” I scrub my hands across my face and press the heels of my palms against my eyes. “The whole thing is a mess.” I can sense her eyebrows rising without even looking. I drop my hands to the table and sigh. “He was just so… amazing.” I set my elbows on the table and drop my head into my hands. I hate being out of control like this.

“So, what happened?”

I understand why she’s confused, because if he was so great why aren’t we together now? “Mostly the distance. He was only in the area for a short amount of time, for work. He lives far enough away that a long-distance thing wouldn’t have been feasible. Not that early in the dating timeline, anyway. So we stayed friends, and nothing more.”

There’s a drawn-out silence before her hand gently rests on the top of my head, stroking my hair like she used to when I was very little and something was bothering me. There is so much comfort in that small gesture. “No chance you could tell him how you feel and see if he wants to give it another try?”

I shake my head and try to give her a smile. “No. His job keeps him moving around from place to place and we’d rarely be able to see each other.”

“I’m so sorry, love.”

I nod against my palms. “Thanks, Ma.”

“Would it help for you to tell me about him?” I glance up and she’s smiling. “Whatever you want. I’d like to learn something about the man who fills my son’s thoughts.”

I give a little laugh and smile. “Yeah. I’d like that.” My heart rate picks up, and a warmth fills my chest as I think about Ashley. “He’s amazing, Ma. So smart. Seriously, scary smart. And he has a wicked sense of humor.” I chuckle, thinking about the snarky comments Ashley tossed around so effortlessly. “He’s drop-dead gorgeous and could probably be a model if he wanted. He has thick black hair and a handlebar mustache, if you can believe it. You’d think it would look ridiculous, but man, he pulls it off. And he has the softest dark brown eyes I’ve ever seen.” She smiles and waits as I swallow the lump in my throat. This is equal parts joy and torture. “He’s incredibly prickly.” Her brows draw down in confusion, because I don’t normally go for the dramatic types and based on what I’ve said so far, that’s exactly what Ashley sounds like. It’s actually what Ashleyislike until he settles. “He’s only like that when he’s uncomfortable or out of place.” I fiddle with my glass and remember the last night in the safehouse when Ashley’s hands trembled with nerves as he took the cup of tea I’d made for him. “It’s how he protects himself. He had a rough go of it growing up, or so I gathered from things he let slip. He has no family to speak of.” I glance around the brightly lit kitchen, steeped in my family’s love and warmth, and know without a doubt that if Ashley and I had met growing up, and his situation had been the debacle I think it was, my family would have welcomed him in and been the haven he’d needed, no questions asked.

“You never could resist playing knight in shining armor, dear. You get that from your father.” She’s not wrong, though sometimes that thought worries me. “He was lucky to have you, Jamie.” I glance at her and she smiles back, her gaze open and not judging.

“I was lucky to meet him. I’m glad I did.” The whole situation makes my chest ache. I press a fist to my sternum like that will ease the pain. “Even though there’s no real chance of ever seeing him again.” I tell myself for the billionth time that it’s more important for Ashley to be safe than with me. “I miss him so much, Ma. And it’s ridiculous because I only knew him for a few months.”

“There’s no set time for falling in love, Jamie. The moment I saw your father I knew I would marry him. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind.”

I stare at her wide-eyed. “I didn’t say I was in love with him.”

She smiles and squeezes my hand again. “No need to panic, Jamie. Who we love is out of our control.”

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