Page 14 of Choose Me

Relief mixes with elation, and without thinking, I squeeze him tighter, but the sadness in his voice finally makes it to my brain. “And my asking about it upset you?”

“This is so humiliating.” It’s said softly, and if I wasn’t so close to him, I might have missed it. “I’ve neverseenanyone.“ All the tension leaves his body, and he sags against me, every part of him screaming defeat. “I’ve never even been on a date.”

Now it’s my turn to freeze. That can’t be right. “What?”

“Can we go now?” His voice is flat and resigned, and it’s killing me.

“Jules.” Jesus, I guess I should have known. Stef would have said something, right? Or I’d have seen him with someone when I came home for visits. Fuck, I’m an idiot. “I’m—”

He cuts me off, and I’ve never been so glad to be the recipient of sass. “Look, when no one ever asks you out, you never go on a date. I thought that would be fairly obvious.”

It’s still too much to believe that no one ever took the time to get to know this beautiful man. “That’s… unbelievable.”

This time he shoves an elbow against my ribs and I let go. But rather than step away, he spins to face me, eyes blazing with anger and hurt. “It’s not really something someone would lie about. It more than screams defective.”

I really need to keep my mouth shut because I’m only making things worse. However, I can’t seem to listen to my own advice. “No, that’s not what I meant. I mean, it’s incredible that people are that short sighted. And you’re not defective.”

He flails his arms out. “Yes. I am!” He shouts the words into the forest, scaring the birds out of the trees. Frustrated tears well up in his eyes. Fuck. I’ve never seen him in so much pain, and it’s like a knife to my chest. I did this. It’s my fault. I’m an awful person. “Functioning people don’t freeze when a stranger says hello. It doesn’t take functioning people weeks and weeks to work up the courage just to look a coworker in the eyes.” His voice cracks with suppressed anguish. “God, I hate that I’m like this. I actively avoid people, so I rarely get to know anyone new. And when I do, and if they might be someone I’d like to ‌date, by the time I’m comfortable enough to risk a conversation, they’re no longer interested in getting to know the quiet freak who sits in the back of whatever room he’s in, and periodically has major anxiety meltdowns.”

“Jesus, Jules. I’m so sorry. I’m an asshole. I’m a fucking bull in a china shop.” Seeing him so close to tears wrecks me. “Please,elskling.”

He deflates and reaches up to cup my cheek. “Erik.”

Watching Jules try to comfort me after I’ve hurt him so badly almost kills me. I pull him tight against my body and bury my nose in his hair. “Sweetheart, you are not a freak. But I’m an ass, and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you embarrassed or ashamed.”

Neither of us says anything for a long minute, and I struggle to get myself under control. Eventually, he leans into me and relaxes. “Anyway, nope. I’m not seeing anyone.”

I chuckle wetly. “Yeah, I got that.”

“Thirty-three and never been on a date. Definitely a freak.” This time, there isn’t any rage in his voice. Only resignation masquerading as a joke.

I squeeze him tightly, and his arms wrap around my waist. It feels so good. “Jules, I promise you, you’re not a freak.”

“Thanks. And I’m sorry.”

What could he possibly have to apologize for? “For what,elskling?”

He huffs out a laugh. “Oh, I don’t know. Blowing up at you when you only asked me a simple question? Overreacting by about a million percent? Hey, at least I didn’t have a panic attack.”

His self-deprecating humor hurts my heart. “Jules, can you look at me? I want you to see how sincere I am about this.” There’s a pause and then he nods reluctantly.

With lots of deep breathing and fingernails digging into my back, he forces his eyes up to mine. I smile encouragingly and stroke his cheek with my knuckles. “You did nothing wrong.”

“Even though I basically just went off on you for asking an innocuous question?” He groans and plants his face against my chest. “I’m so so so sorry.”

I lean down and kiss the top of his head, and to my great relief, he leans into me. “You can say anything to me. You can yell when you’re angry and cry when you’re sad. I’m a safe space for you. I won’t judge you or hold anything against you. Ever.” I slide my fingers along his jaw and carefully tilt his face up. “Because you’re that for me. You always have been. When I’m with you, I’m safe, and I can just be me.”

His eyes widen and he relaxes in my arms, easing some of the tightness in my chest. “You weren’t making fun of me.”

“No,elskling. Never. I was…”—now it’s my turn to be embarrassed, but I don’t look away; I owe him that much—“curious.”

His brow furrows and he frowns. “Why?”

I caress his cheek with the back of my hand, unable to stop touching him now that I have him this close. “Well, I wondered if someone was going to be upset that you’re spending so much time out here alone with me.”

That doesn’t clear up his confusion. “No. No need to worry about that.”

Now that he’s no longer upset, the glimmer of hope I’ve been quietly nurturing blooms to life, and for once I don’t let my worries about Stef stop me. “So I… maybe have a chance?”

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