Page 51 of Choose Me

I take his hand and stand, but Gunnar’s not done. “Coward.”

Erik steps away, but I’m frozen in place. He tugs on my arm, but I can’t move. I’m vibrating with anxiety but also with anger because Erik was trying to protect me. It’s the only reason he said anything about moving. And he was happy about it,ishappy about it. And Gunnar isn’t just picking a fight. He’s going for the jugular, and Erik doesn’t deserve it.

Gunnar takes another swig of wine and makes a shooing motion. “Run away.”

The weight on my chest increases and I can’t catch my breath. Don’t they see what this kind of sniping does to Erik? I look around the table and see disappointment on Bjorn’s face, active aggression from Gunnar, concern and indecision from Astrid, and poor Gary and I are caught in the middle. Why aren’t Bjorn and Astrid defending Erik? Why are they just sitting there? Every ounce of me wants to get out of here, but I can’t. Not when Erik is under attack like this. He’s stood up for me, protected me when I couldn’t, and no one is doing that for him here, and that’s so wrong.

My temples are pounding and Erik turns to me, brows drawn down in concern. Gunnar opens his mouth to say something else and I shake my head. “Don’t.” It comes out as barely a whisper, and it seems like he’s going to ignore me, but my eyes lock on his. I want to look away. I want to bury my face in Erik’s chest and let him carry me out of here, no matter how humiliating that would be. But Gunnar is actively hurting Erik, and I can’t let that go.

He opens his mouth again, but I cut him off. “I said don’t.” I’m louder this time, but my voice cracks. “Stop hurting him.” I look around the table at this family who is so desperately dysfunctional, and anger pushes to the surface.

I can feel tears streaming down my cheeks, but I lean into the feelings and let my words fly. “You always hurt him, with your arguing and lashing out.” I glare at Gunnar. “Don’t you get it? He left to save himself, not to hurt you.” My voice is getting louder and higher.

Erik puts his arm around my shoulder and tries to pull me with him, but I shrug it off. “Everyone grieves differently. The way you handled it was to become an asshole and lash out at everyone. The way Erik dealt with it, and with you, was to remove himself from the chaos because that’s how introverts handle stress.” My lungs constrict and I’m gasping for breath. “It’s a coping mechanism, you utter jackass. And if you ever thought about anyone but yourself, you’d see that.”

“Jules.” Erik’s voice is gentle but firm, and I turn on him.

I’m full on panting now, and there are black spots in my vision. “The way you avoid confrontation isn’t always going to work.” I can’t see him through my tears, but I reach out and he takes my arm to steady me. “I lost you for fourteen years because of it. Please, I don’t want to lose any more.” Erik’s eyes go wide, and I sway on my feet as I turn back to the table, dropping into my chair when my legs give out. “You all need therapy, or you’re going to repeat this again and again.” The words run out as the room narrows and I break out in a cold sweat. “Erik…”

18

Erik

IcatchJulesashe sways in his chair, and that breaks the spell. Everyone is moving at once. Bjorn comes to stand beside me, looking as helpless as I feel. “What can I do?”

Pita whines and tries to shoulder through everyone to get to Jules. With a calm that I don’t feel, I nod towards Pita, my voice level. “Put him somewhere he can’t get in the way. I’m taking Jules upstairs.” I rest my hand on his neck, searching for his pulse. It’s pounding, but his breathing seems to be less ragged. Gary pulls Jules’ chair out of the way when I lift him into my arms. This brings back memories of the night fourteen years ago when Jules first told me he loved me. ‘I lost you for fourteen years. I don’t want to lose any more.’ My heart clenches painfully and I force myself to meet Gunnar’s gaze. He’s pale and wide-eyed and the not-so-nice part of me hopes he’s really fucking worried right now. I hug Jules close, shame and guilt raging inside me. This is my fault, and I need to fix it. “I’m going to get him settled, and when I’m sure he’s all right, you and I are going to talk.” Gunnar doesn’t argue, and for that I’m grateful.

I carry Jules out of the dining room and into the hall, careful not to bang his feet or head when I make the sharp turn to climb the stairs. Jesus, what have I done? How could I bring him here knowing this was a possibility? Not that I ever imagined he’d defend me to my family. God, he’d been so scared. I could see it on his face, and in the way his entire body was shaking. We all could see it.

When I get to my room, I lay him on the bed and grab the pillows, piling them under his feet. “Elskling, wake up for me, okay?“ I sit next to him on the bed and take his hand in mine, bringing it to my cheek. “Baby, please?” If he doesn’t open his eyes soon, I’m going to lose my mind. I kiss him lightly on his soft lips, pressing my forehead against his. “Jules, love, please. Wake up for me.”

With a soft groan, he tries to curl onto his side. “Thank fuck.” His eyes flutter open. “Hey.” I stroke his hair away from his face with a shaky hand.

He looks confused and not completely aware, but I can see him trying to piece together what happened. “Did I pass out?”

Fuck, he sounds exhausted. “Yeah. For a minute you channeled your inner Stef and went full drama queen on me. I had to carry you upstairs and everything.” I try to keep my voice calm and soothing. He doesn’t need to know how much he scared me. That won’t help.

He grimaces and tries to roll onto his side again. This time he succeeds, pressing his face into my thigh. “I ache everywhere.”

I brush the hair out of his face and stroke his cheek. “How about you get undressed and slip under the covers. We’ll stay here tonight, and in the morning I’ll call work and tell them you’re not coming in.” I expect at least a token protest, but when I get none, I start to worry. “Do you want me to call Stef?”

He frowns. “No. Just want to sleep.”

“Okay,elskling.“ I stand up and undress him. He’s all but dead weight and only minimally attempts to help me. When I finally get him under the covers, he rolls onto his side again and is out moments later.

I sit next to him and watch him sleep, letting the fear and anger drain from me until the only thing left is an undeniable love for this sweet man who stood up to my family, for me, in spite of his own fears. “I don’t deserve you, but I swear, I will try.” I kiss his temple and then go in search of Gunnar.

On my way out of my room, I run into Astrid, who is waiting for me in the hall. “Is he all right?”

“I think so. I’ve seen him have a few major episodes before, and he’s always exhausted after. If I thought it would do more help than harm, I’d call Stef and make sure this is normal, but Stef would get in the car and drive out here, make a scene, and the only difference would be we’d have even more drama to deal with. I love Stef, but sometimes…”

“He’s a lot?”

“Yeah.”

There’s a moment of silence and then Astrid touches my arm. “Where are you going?”

Her face says she already knows my answer. “To talk to Gunnar.”

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