Page 53 of Choose Me

“You were still alive, but you left. And then you didn’t come back. Why didn’t you come back?”

“I’m sorry.”

His hands clench and unclench at his sides. “I need to know, Erik. Help me understand, because grown-up me gets that this is your shit and not my fault, but there’s still a part of younger me inside who doesn’t understand why you left him when he needed you.”

Fuck. I cross the distance in three strides and pull him into my arms, clutching him to me. How could I have fucked things up so badly? “Jesus, Gunnar, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know how to cope with…” I don’t even have words for what it was. The devastation of losing a second parent? The fact she was murdered for a god damned wallet? Watching everyone spiral because of it? “You were so angry. The constant fighting with Bjorn was… I didn’t know how to handle it. All I knew was it made me anxious, and I wanted it to stop, but it seemed like you wanted it to continue. You went out of your way to pick fights with him, and he’d let you, every time. I couldn’t take it. So I left.”

Gunnar nods and wraps his arms around me in a tight hug. “You could have said something.”

I shake my head, though he can’t see it. “No. I couldn’t. That’s the point.”

He steps back and wipes at his face, smearing grease across his cheek. I don’t point it out. “Explain it to me.”

I ignore the way he asks and try to remember how Jules put it. “I don’t do well with confrontation.” That gets me a ‘no shit’ snort from Gunnar. “Hey, I’m fucking trying here.” I jerk my thumb over my shoulder. “You want me to go?”

“Shit. No. Sorry.” He sits on the tailgate of Bjorn’s Rover. “I’m listening.”

I rub my eyes, wanting to be inside with Jules and not having this conversation. I suppose that’s the issue, though. “Okay, when people I care about get confrontational around me, it makes me nervous. My skin gets all tight, and it’s hard to breathe.”

His eyes lock on mine. “Wait, like what happened to Jules?”

I seesaw my hand. “Kind of, but nowhere near that bad. Don’t worry.”

He exhales and shoots me a sympathetic look. “Man, I’m sorry. I… I didn’t know. Here I am bitching about you leaving, and you were dealing with all that.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’m glad you told me.” And I am, even if it hurts like a knife to my heart. “I left because I had to, but I’m sorry it took me fourteen years to get back here.”

Gunnar frowns. “You know, there’s this thing called therapy, asshole. It’s pretty fucking good for helping you work through shit.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t think I needed it. I was fine in Arizona.”

He snorts. “They don’t have therapists in Arizona?”

“They do. But just being in Arizona fixed the problem.” Sort of.

His scowl is back, but now I can see the sadness in it. “And kept you away from your family.”

“My fucked up family.”

He snorts again. “Fair. But you’re part of this fucked up family. And we dealt with our shit. Or most of it.”

The implication is that I haven’t dealt with mine, and I suppose he’s not wrong. He does seem better for it, and Jules definitely is.

He screws his face up like he’s sucking a lemon. “Okay, hear me out before you shit all over what I’m about to say.” I tamp down the part of my brain asking why I should cut him any breaks after what happened with Jules. But I suppose I need to listen to what he wants to say. “Obviously, I still have things to work through.” He points at me. “And you definitely have a lot of things to work through.” He rolls his eyes. “So. Many. Things.”

I flip him off. “Are you done?”

He grins and shakes his head. “I’m gonna call my therapist and get in to see her again. In spite of what you might think, I do love having you around. But I guess having you back for good has stirred up shit I didn’t know was still there.”

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say that won’t make me sound like a dick, so I stay silent.

He pins me with an intense stare. “I’d like it if you’d come with me.”

“What? Why? You mean for moral support, or to… talk. About stuff.” I wave my hand, vaguely uncomfortable with this whole idea of spilling my guts to someone, especially with Gunnar sitting there.

He rolls his eyes. “To talk about your stuff, my stuff, our stuff. It really helped me and Bjorn. We mostly don’t fight anymore, and when we do, it’s not nearly as bad as it was. We’re still a work-in-progress, but we’re so much better than we were.” He shrugs and looks at his hands. “I’d like to get there with you, too.”

Fuck. Can I even do that? But how do I say no? It’s not an unreasonable request. And if Jules can be brave enough to go, then I have no excuses. God dammit. “All right. If it will help you, I’ll go.”

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