Page 6 of Choose Me

For the past eight of the ten years I’ve been working for the United States Forestry Service, Jack Winters has been an incredible boss, always trying different ways to make being in the office less stressful. He gives me agendas in advance, so I can prepare and not embarrass myself. He also lets me work from home sometimes, though most days I’m out in the Mt. Baker-Snoqualmie National Forest working on plans or monitoring conservation projects. That’s the part of my job I truly love. It doesn’t matter if it’s blazing hot, pouring rain, or freezing cold; I’d much rather surround myself with nature than cubicle walls.

But today, being outside isn’t an option. There’s a meeting I can’t get out of, with a bulleted list of topics, most of which cover existing projects and a few proposals my boss and I discussed in our last meeting. None of that is a problem. It’s the last bullet point that keeps tripping me up.Career goals and future direction of the department.It sounds ominous, and I’m not a fan. Before I can get caught up in imagining every potential disaster that might result from any of the many interpretations ofdirection of the department, I get an internal messenger pop-up from my cubicle neighbor and work friend Andi.

Andi Baxter: Hey. Mind if I pop over to chat? I hear you moving around over there.

Julian Evans: Sure. I’m in for a meeting with Jack.

I hear shuffling on the other side of the wall, and Andi appears in my doorway. “Hey. Project review day, huh?”

I spin my chair to face them. “Yeah. That part shouldn’t be too bad. I have some ideas on next steps, and I’ve made good progress on the thinned forest acres I’m monitoring. It’s exciting‌ to see the benefits of the projects I put in motion.” Talking to Andi about work calms me enough to relax back in my seat. The reprieve is short-lived.

Andi fidgets, chewing on their lip. “Do you have a discussion point about the direction of the department? Or is that just me?”

My heart sinks. If everyone has that bullet point then it can’t be good news. “No, I have that too, and it’s been worrying me. What do you think it is?”

They shrug. “Funding cuts maybe? Department mergers? Itisworrying.” Oh good. I’m not the only one.

We’ve lived through several iterations of both ‌over the past ten years, but this has a different feel. “Could be. But there’s been no inter-department buzzing, and we usually get some kind of tip-off before we meet with Jack.” Sometimes I wonder if Jack is the source of the gossip, so we’re all better prepared for those discussions.

As if saying his name summoned him, Jack walks through the door, smiling brightly, with a skip in his step. “He looks chipper.”

Andi raises a dark eyebrow at me. “Chipper? Okay gramps.”

Glad of the momentary distraction, I grin and shrug. “Something my dad says.”

Andi rolls their eyes and shoves off the frame of my doorway. “Guess that’s my cue to go do some work. What time’s your meeting?”

“Nine.” I glance at the clock on my laptop. “So that gives me forty-five minutes to stress about it. When’s yours?”

“I’m at ten. So let me know what he says about that last bullet point. Yeah?”

Normally I’d hesitate because I hate to be the source of office rumors, but Andi won’t tell and they have anxiety, too. Really, my telling them would be for humanitarian reasons. “All right. If I think you need time to prepare, I will. But if it’s something good, I’ll let Jack tell you. Fair?”

Andi nods. “Fair.” They tap my door frame twice and disappear back to their cubicle.

I spend the next forty minutes answering emails, reviewing my projects, and low-key freaking out. When the meeting reminder pops up on my screen, I take a deep breath and grab my notes before heading to Jack’s office. A soft “Luck!” comes from Andi’s cube, and I’m grateful for any positive energy anyone wants to send my way.

I knock softly on the doorframe, and Jack glances up from his desk. He’s an attractive older man with a stocky build, thick silver hair, and a full beard and mustache, all neatly trimmed. His bright blue eyes crinkle at the corners and his lips curve into a smile when he sees me. That makes me feel slightly better. He’d be more somber if he had bad news, right? I tentatively step inside his office. “Ready for our nine o’clock?”

“Yeah. Close the door and have a seat.” I carefully shut the door and sit. In typical Jack fashion, he gets right to business. “I know these meetings give you stress, so I won’t drag it out longer than necessary. It’s why I scheduled your review first, so you wouldn’t be at your desk worrying about it.”

I sit up a little taller, grateful that he’s so accommodating, and don’t mention that I’ve been stressing since I woke up this morning. “Thanks, Jack.”

“Let’s start with the newest project. How’s that coming?” We take fifteen minutes to go through my latest results on our current reclamation project, and then we move into my proposed area for the next phase. It all goes smoothly and we’re both happy with the results. “Perfect. That makes sense and should show a positive outcome.” He pauses and leans in, and that makes my stomach twist. “All right, I know this next bit of news won’t be your favorite, so I’m just going to come out and tell you. I’m retiring at the end of the year.”

Fuck. My heart fills with dread. I knew it was coming. He’s been talking about retiring for most of this year, but I guess I always hoped he’d change his mind and put it off. “I know you’re probably very anxious right now, but I met with my replacement, and he’s a friendly guy. Very upbeat. He’s coming in from the eastern part of the state, with years of experience working in the field and managing people. He’s originally from western Washington, so he knows the area, and I’m sure he’ll be a great fit.”

Thankfully, Jack gives me a few minutes to process the news. “He’s going to stop in next week to introduce himself and get to know the team, then he’ll be coming in every few weeks after that to work with me on the transition. I was hoping you’d be willing to take us out and show us one of your current projects, give him a feel for working with you and where your focus is.”

My head shoots up and I must have a panicked look on my face because he holds up his hands and hurries to reassure me. “I’ve filled him in on our unique working parameters. He’s fine with it, so other than a new face behind the desk, things should remain relatively the same for you.”

It’s a small bone, but it’s something, at least. Though I’m not as confident as Jack is that things will go so smoothly. This isn’t my first time going through a situation like this. I’ve had college professors retire and give me similar assurances, telling me their replacements understand and they’ll follow similar accommodations. Sometimes they actually kept to the plan. Most of the time, they didn’t, and I ended up switching classes or taking online courses instead.

I push those thoughts aside and force a smile onto my face. “Congratulations, Jack. Don’t worry about me. I’m sure it’ll be fine.” My skin feels clammy and my heart races in my chest. “I’m happy for you.” My voice is soft and shaky, and for the second time today, I’m worried I might throw up. I wipe my palms on my thighs and try to keep Jack from seeing my hands trembling. Fuck. Why do I have to be like this? It’s ridiculous, and I feel defective. “Just let me know when you want to meet.” I swallow hard. “It’ll be fine.” I almost choke on the last word and close my eyes, sucking in deep breaths through my nose.

When I finally open them again, Jack is watching me with concern. “I know it’s a shock, which is why I wanted to tell you myself and give you some time to process things. We have a few months left. It’s not happening tomorrow.”

I nod, trying to ignore the black spots flashing in my vision as I break out in a cold sweat. “Thanks. I appreciate that.” Fuck. The last thing I need is to have a reaction like this in front of my new boss. That would make an excellent first impression. “Is it all right if I…” I gesture to the door.

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