Page 8 of Choose Me

And Erik’s had it ever since. Unfortunately, he’s the one personIcan’t have. Even if by some miracle he wanted me—which, let’s be real, someone as amazing as Erik would never be into someone with as many issues as I have—Stef would never go for it. Ever. It’s a fact.

After I made a fool of myself at Erik’s college graduation party, Stef and I had a heart-to-heart. As kindly as he could, he said he knew I had a crush on Erik, and encouraged me to let it go. Stef wasn’t trying to be mean or judgy. He was just concerned I’d get my heart broken. He thought Erik had too much baggage to be the right guy for me.

Stef has definite ideas about the type of romantic partner he’ll allow to date me. Is that a little overprotective? Yeah. But he’s always looked out for me, helping me manage my anxiety and shielding me whenever he could. He’s been my biggest supporter, and there’s no doubt in my mind that he loves me fiercely and wants the best for me.

In the end, it was a moot point. A few months after the party, Erik moved to Arizona, and I stayed put in Seattle. Now, fourteen years later, nothing’s changed. He’s still sweet, and gorgeous, and kind, and handsome, and wonderful, and sexy—and I’m the same nerdy guy with social anxiety who’s hopelessly in love with him. And yeah, I mean hopelessly. Erik’s always cared about me, I know that. He cares about a lot of people. But he’s never given me any reason to think he has or ever will care about me the way I want him to.

I’m yanked out of my thoughts when Tadhg knocks loudly on the coffee table. It takes me a minute for my brain to catch up with his signing. ‘Thank you, everyone, for a great evening. I had an enjoyable time and I hope we can all do this again soon.’ Quinn tells Erik what Tadhg’s signing, and then there are rounds of hugs before Quinn walks Tadhg to the door.

It’s at that point, with everyone’s focus elsewhere, that Erik wanders over. His gentle smile and soft eyes are focused solely on me, and my mouth goes dry and my pulse picks up. He leans in, keeping his voice low, like the words are just for me. “Hey. Sorry, we didn’t get much of a chance to talk tonight. You were busy with the tournament and I didn’t want to interrupt. Great job with it, by the way.”

He’s close enough to smell the delicious woodiness of his cologne or deodorant, and I have the ridiculous urge to press my nose into his armpit and inhale. Christ, I need to get a grip on myself. “Thanks, and no problem. I’m glad I got to see you before you go back to Arizona.” I glance anywhere but at him, which evenIknow is ridiculous, since I’ve basically been ogling him all night. “So, uh, how long will you be in Seattle?”

Before he can answer, Stef slips his arms around me and rests his chin on my shoulder. “Jocelin and I are heading out.” He squeezes me tightly, and I squeeze his arm, which is the only thing I can hug from this position. “Another amazing evening, sweetie. It’s always so much fun hanging out with you.”

“Was it more fun than a night out at the club?” I grin and turn around so I can give him a real squeeze. My brother may be high maintenance to some, and over-the-top when he’s passionate about something, but he’s genuine, has a huge heart, and is fiercely loyal. I love him to death and am so glad we’re close.

He snorts in my ear. “Please, you know I’ll always choose you over anything.”

And I do. He’s done it time and again my whole life. But I’m the little brother, which means it’s my job to tease him as often as I can. “Really? Even over a thumping bass, sweaty half-naked men who want to press against you, and the chance to wear a hot-as-fuck minidress and killer heels?”

Stef cups my face and holds my gaze. “Every time, Jules. I choose you first over everything.”

Well, fuck. I blink back tears. “How am I so lucky to have a brother like you? I love you. And I love hanging out with you, too.” I hug him again, squeezing so tightly he probably can’t breathe.

“Oh sweetie! Please don’t start. If you cry, I’ll cry, my makeup will run, I’ll be ugly, and no one will be happy.” His tone is typically dramatic and teasing, but there’s a bit of truth to it, too. We’ve both always cried easily. It’s our mom’s fault for passing along the ‘cry at holiday coffee commercials’ gene. Stef presses a kiss on the side of my head, then steps back.

I turn to Jocelin and give him a hug as well. “Thank you both for coming over.”

“Thanks for inviting me.” Jocelin glances at Erik and then winks at me. “It was a very enlightening evening.”

A knot of worry starts in the pit of my stomach. What does that mean? Did I make a fool of myself? Is he teasing me?

“Okay, come here, you.” Stef grabs Erik around the waist and hugs him, groaning dramatically like it’s the tightest hug he’s able to give. “Are you leaving too?”

I hold my breath, unsure which answer I want to hear. Erik looks straight at me and my heart pounds in my chest. “Yeah, in a little bit, though. I didn’t get much of a chance to catch up with Jules.”

My insides go all melty. I glance at Stef, but he doesn’t seem to think anything of it. “Okay. Then one more hug. When are you going back to Arizona?”

Erik wraps Stef in a tight hug and lifts him off his feet, and I’m momentarily envious, remembering how incredible iteveryone elserapped in his arms. Internally, I roll my eyes at myself and shove the jealousy away. This is Stef and Erik. They’ve been best friends for almost as long as Quinn and I have. And they’re both affectionate people. “I’m in town for a few days. My flight leaves Wednesday morning. What’s your schedule like?”

When Stef’s feet are back on the ’round, he runs a palm over his platinum quiff and pulls out his phone. “I’m completely free tomor’ow, but I amsosleeping in. It’s been a dumpster fire of a week and I need my beauty rest.“ He pulls out his phone and scrolls through his calendar app with the flick of an immaculately manicured finger. “So let’s say I’m free for lunch or later tomorrow. Then on Monday, I have appointments in the office during the day, but my evening is free. Tuesday I’m free in the morning. I have a nail appointment at noon, but I can always reschedule that. Late afternoon and evening are filled with clients.” He gives Erik a brilliant grin. “My free time is your free time, so let me know when you want to get together.”

“Tomorrow afternoon? We can plan Monday or Tuesday, then.”

“Perfect!” Stef beams up at him. “I’m so happy you’re here. I’ve missed you.” He grabs Erik in another hug, then flings himself at me again, squeezing me tightly. “Okay, I need my beauty sleep. Good night!” He kisses my cheeks. “I love you!” He spins and waves to Quinn. “Night Quinn! Thanks for a lovely time!”

I walk Stef and Jocelin to the door, and we say good night and hug yet again. My brother is nothing if not demonstrative. Stef sashays out the door, and I wave as anxiety twists my guts. What can Erik possibly want to talk to me about? Did he catch me watching him? Did I make him uncomfortable? I must have. Oh god, he’s going to tell me he noticed and ask me to stop.

It takes several deep breaths before I can go back into the living room and face him. My hands are shaking, so I shove them in my pockets and hunch my shoulders, keeping my eyes lowered.

“Hey.” Erik’s voice is soft.

I peek at him through my protective wall of hair. He’s sitting on the arm of the loveseat, and I wander in that direction. “Hey.” Erik’s entire body is relaxed, his posture open and approachable. At least he doesn’t seem upset. I take a few steps closer. “Did you have a good time tonight?”

“The best time. It was great to see everyone again. Tadhg seems nice.”

If he wants to chit-chat, I guess that’s okay, though I really wish he’d just get whatever it is over with before I turn into an anxious wreck. Oh wait. Too late. “I’m not sure what’s going on between him and Quinn, but yeah, he seems like a nice guy.” My eyes dart everywhere but at Erik, and I struggle to keep my breathing even. I’m only a few anxious moments away from a meltdown, and that’s not the impression I want to make after not seeing him for two years. Not that he’d be fooled into thinking I had my act together. He still talks to Stef. “Stef didn’t tell me you were in town.”

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