Page 19 of Knave

“I’mbeing unreasonable!” Mouse shouted. “You want to be secretive just because I haven’t confessed my truth to you on my own terms? Fine! You want to know what I experienced so you can have as many nightmares as I do? Fine! Fine, fine, fine! Every week in the Ruby Heart Palace, I got to have my bloody fun with Imogen and Rav. Her, with whips to my back or drowning me. Him tearing me apart from the inside out or bleeding me dry. You name it, they did it. And ever since then, I’ve been growing hungrier, more ravenous, wanting to eat and tear apart every human in sight. So much so that I murdered everyone in the donor building. It wasme!There, damn it!” Her voice cracked on the last word as spittle flew from her mouth.

A horrified expression crossed Maddie’s face, tears filling her eyes while she slowly released her arm. “Mouse, I—”

Mouse shook her head, batting her sister’s arms away when they reached forward to draw her into a hug. “No, I don’t want your pity. Because no matter what mindset you were in, no matter how much you felt like you were drowning, I would’ve warned you about the Jabberwocky, aboutdanger. That would beprotectingyou. Not keeping it a secret, which in turn, could’ve destroyed me. If I had known, I could’ve been helping instead of being caught off guard like I was today.”

Maddie took a step forward, not looking at her any differently. “It’s just … you’re my little sister and—”

“Andyou’re my sister. Nothing can change that, but for now, leave me alone.” Mouse gripped the knob to her room and opened the door, then slammed it behind her, closing herself inside.

Mouse pressed her forehead to the door and ran her hand against the wood. Even though Maddie didn’t call out for her, Mouse knew she was still there, heard the rustling of her sister’s dress as she must’ve lowered herself to the floor and the press of her back against the door. Always her big sister. Always her protector. Mouse had said exactly how she felt, so why did shame, regret, and guilt wash over her at once, pleading with her to apologize for her words?

Slowly backing away from the door, Mouse sank down on the edge of her bed and drew Des from her pocket. The caterpillar rested in the palm of her hand, lengthening her body upward so their eyes met.

“Am I?” Mouse asked in a hushed tone. “Am I being unreasonable?”

Des cocked her head side to side as if she wasn’t sure who to agree with. The caterpillar was still entirely blue, not a speck of yellow visible. Perhaps it was her moods that had made Des this way, perhaps she was better off before befriending Mouse too.

Mouse placed Des atop her leaf on the night table, then stood from the bed, pacing back and forth. The day crashed into her … the Jabberwocky’s destruction. She hadn’t known the beast would be there today, but Ever had informed the guards about its previous prowling. Didi would’ve been informed. And even then, the caring guard had died. A guard who had been nothing but kind to Mouse every time she passed her in the Ivory Palace’s halls, even though Mouse had been aloof, staring at the floor instead of the vampire’s eyes, not able to say a simple hello. What the bloody hell was wrong with her? And now she would never be able to. She would never get to invite Didi to a lavish tea party.

“But there are no tea parties for me anymore,” Mouse reminded herself.

And then she looked at the door … thecloseddoor. Her hands trembled and her body quaked, hot tears like lava pricking her eyes. All she had to do was walk to the door, turn the knob, and pull it open. But her body stood frozen, trapped, trapped like she’d been in her dank, dark prison cell. Blood. She could smell all the blood that Rav and Imogen had stolen from inside her. So much spilled from the whips, the slices, the—

Mouse dropped to her knees, releasing an ear-shattering scream as she rocked against the hard marble. “Maddie, I’m sorry!” she cried, her body racking from her sobs. The door flew open and a tall form rushed in, scooping her into his lap.

“She left to clean herself up so she asked me to keep watch,” Ferris said softly. “She’ll be back, I promise.”

Mouse thrashed, fighting him. She didn’t want him. He’d hid important things from her. And she was mad at him most of all because she’d believed he was the one person who would never lie.

“You didn’t tell me!” she screeched, shoving at his hard chest.

“I know,” he whispered, his dark eyes locking on hers. “I was fucking stupid and shouldn’t have listened to anyone, much less Chess’s dumb ass. But I was about to tell you before the whole troop burst in there and made everything worse.”

“You could’ve told me sooner.” Mouse stopped fighting, her body relaxing slightly as she grasped the collar of his shirt. “I told you so many things today. You were the first I told about what went on inside the palace...”

“I know, luv,” Ferris rasped. “I know.” Their gazes locked, and his lower lip trembled. For the first time, Ferris truly looked afraid. Was it of her?

“I overreacted,” she said, her chest heaving. “It’s been happening a lot lately. I’ll make it stop.” Fear crawled through her that she could lose him, that he would get exhausted of her antics.

“No, you didn’t.” He brought her plait over her shoulder and toyed with the ends of her hair. “I-I had a girlfriend.”

Mouse furrowed her brow, a sinking feeling churning within her stomach. “What are you talking about?”

“She … Ellie died,” he whispered. “It was when I was nineteen, before I met you. She was pregnant with our daughter, Luna. There was a car crash, and I was driving. It wasn’t my fault, but it felt like it was. Still does at times. That’s why I started using drugs. Even after nearly a year with her gone, I just couldn’t deal with life. Not until I met you.”

Mouse took a deep swallow, letting his words echo in her mind. She’d known Ferris for a little over four years and they’d never talked about depressing aspects of their pasts, yet this… He’d lost not only a girlfriend but his unborn child too. She couldn’t imagine losing two things so dear at once.

There were a handful of people she could never live without, including the one holding her now. Mouse thought about if something horrific were to happen to him, if he were to die. What if the Jabberwocky had gobbled him up or chewed him in half like it had with Didi? Her lungs ached, and she couldn’t breathe, couldn’t find the air she desperately needed. She cupped his beautiful face, his soft cheeks, and pulled his mouth to hers, their lips molding together. That was the only thing that could save her in this moment, the air she needed.

Mouse closed her eyes and allowed her lips to move against his, drinking him in, his breaths calming her as he kissed her back. Slow and gentle, his hands drifted to her hips, holding her steady.

Safe.

Ferris was her safe place.

Mouse drew back, finally opening her eyes, his meeting hers, both of their gazes wide as they studied one another. A smile played across his lips and she mirrored it as she rested her head against his chest, then wrapped her arms around him, not regretting the first real kiss she’d had in centuries. Her smile fell as the world came back into focus. “I’m so sorry, Ferris. I’m so sorry you didn’t get your family and now you’re stuck being a babysitter to me in this life.”

“You have nothing to be sorry about. I would follow you anywhere, toanylife, luv.”

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