Page 2 of Knave

No one could.

Because she was dead. And their unborn daughter had been ripped from the earth along with her.

Ferris and Ellie had danced in the rain on their fourth date, then cuddled in the van when lightning struck at the park. She’d seen the band’s paltry sticker collection at the time and fished out the penguin from her purse. When he’d asked her why she was carrying it around, she said she’d bought it on a whim that morning. Where she randomly found it was a mystery and he regretted not asking her, not that it really mattered. He was sorry he hadn’t asked a million things over their three-year-long relationship. Little things he would never know now, things that anyone else would call irrelevant. But when someone died,everythingwas relevant about them—it was just too late to realize it.

Pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes, Ferris willed away the building tears. It had been eleven months since the accident. The one wherehehad been driving. Wherehehadn’t swerved in time to avoid the car driving down the wrong side of the road. Eleven months and thirteen days.

Every day since had been a complete and total spiral into hell.

“Damn,” he croaked.

He needed to get high before his thoughts went any further. Like to the list of baby names in Ellie’s handwriting that he still carried in his wallet even though they’d eventually decided on Luna, or to the plant she’d kept in their shoddy flat that was now withering because he was apparently shit at keeping anything alive.

No.He scrambled to unlatch the back door and flung it open, practically falling to the pavement. Drugs were exactly what he needed to forgetthem. The fact that they were gone. He needed—

“Ferris!” a deep masculine voice called.

He squinted down the alleyway, catching sight of someone he’d painted houses with a couple years ago. Roger? Or Richard? Something like that. He looked the same as he did back when he was sacked for showing up to a job while tripping. Ferris grinned.

“Hey, man.” He stood up straight and smiled.Raymond!That was it. “How you been?”

“Good, good,” Raymond said. “Looks like you’re having a rough night, though. Did you hit your head up on stage?”

A wave of shame washed over Ferris but vanished as quickly as it had come. “Nothing a little pick-me-up wouldn’t fix.”

Raymond smiled knowingly. “I thought as much. You got cash?”

Ferris stumbled up to him, hands shaking with need, and cast a quick glance over his shoulder to make sure they were alone. Pulling his wallet from his back pocket, he drew two fifties out—his last banknotes—and handed them over. “What will this get me?”

“What’s your poison? Pills? Powder?”

“Coke.” Ferris licked his lips, aching for a hit.

“For a hundred?” he asked, brow raised.

“Come on. As you said, it’s been a rough night.” First Oliver finding his stash, then the stress of the impending fight, and the whole falling over his own drums…

Raymond studied him for a moment. “I’ve got something new tonight. Not sure what it’s cut with, but it should do the trick.”

“I’ll take it,” Ferris blurted. As long as it made his mind shut the fuck up.

His old acquaintance dipped his fingers into his pocket, taking his sweet time as Ferris’s heart beat anxiously, then reached out to shake hands. “Have fun, mate.”

Ferris glanced down at the bag of white powder. His needles were in the stick bag, but that was fine. Tapping a messy line out on the back of his hand, he quickly snorted it, then repeated the process. The burning inside his nostrils faded to numbness. Ferris sighed, eager for the full effects of the high to kick in, and stumbled through the backdoor of the bar.

The world spun for a moment. Florescent lights in the hallway became starbursts and it felt as if the ground tilted beneath him. Ferris collapsed to the dingy floor with just enough time to realize how badly he’d fucked up.

Soft lyrical voices drifted around him. Dreaming. Dying. Images of Ellie floated across the back of his eyelids. Her long blonde hair danced around her oval face, her dark eyes glittering as she smiled. She cradled the baby bump that grew beneath her shirt and held her hand out to him. He stretched to grasp it…

Pain lanced his arm and he tried to pull back, but couldn’t. His fingers twitched, unable to reach Ellie with his free hand or move the other away. A scream built in the back of his throat, trapped, captured by his unconsciousness. Then the pain faded. Pleasure replaced it.

Every inch of his body hummed with life. His skin tingled, a warming sensation spreading through him, through every cell, just right. He imagined himself floating. Up, up, up. Toward something better. Something sublime.

The smile fell from Ellie’s face and the image of her blurred. Faded. Disappeared. He fought to pry himself away from the pleasure clouding his thoughts, anchoring him. To follow Ellie and their daughter.

Let me go,he pleaded.

Let him join them, wherever they may be. He wanted the pain to stop, to end it all. Overdosing like this had been an accident, but maybe it was for the better. Then he wouldn’t be such a burden to everyone around him. He wouldn’t have to suffer this loneliness anymore…

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