Page 20 of Dead to Me

Everything on the to-do list was ticked off, Reid.She was just… amazing.

That afternoon Tanya made me tea and began telling me very openly about the break-up she’d just been through.I’d only heard a little about Matt from you before that, so this was all a real window onto their relationship.

‘I knew something was up,’ she said, her cheeks even more red than usual as she bent over the kettle.‘He had mentionitis about this girl Rachel, right?Like, just kept on talking about things she’d said.And then I started finding out they’d gone for coffee together and stuff when he’d implied he was busy.’She shook her head.‘He tried to say they were just friends and it was good for him to have other people to hang out with while I was so busy with hockey.But then there was this– this dinner thing that I couldn’t go to.’She swallowed, and I could tell it was hurting her to talk about this.‘It wasn’t a big thing.Just a choir dinner.They have them every term.I said I was so sorry but I was away training.Matt was all, “Never mind, next time.”’

‘Suspiciously chill about it,’ I said.

‘I know, right?’Tanya brought the filled mugs over and bundled herself in on the bed beside me as though we really had grown up together.‘The dinner happened while I was away training,’ she went on.‘He said nothing else.But then some pictures appeared on other people’s social media, and there was Matt, with Rachel.Who isn’t in the choir.And whenI asked why she was there he said he’d invited her instead.’She came to sit opposite me, her eyes a little reflective in the uplighter she’d installed in the room.

‘What an asshole,’ I said with feeling.‘That’s not just… that’s not even private cheating.’

‘Exactly,’ Tanya agreed.‘It was rubbing it in my face.’

‘I’m guessing there was more?’

Tanya gave a snorting laugh.‘He obviously denied it, but before confronting him I’d done a deep dive on his phone.There were messages talking about things they’d done.And I mean, things.’Her lip curled, and she shook her head.

‘He’s an idiot,’ I told her.‘I’ve already decided you’re about the best person in the world.’

Tanya laughed.‘Thank you.Right back at you.’She blinked for a second, and then said, ‘It’s good he’s out of the picture.He spent a lot of time guilt-tripping me for prioritising work or hockey, even when I spent a lot of time with him.’

‘Sounds like an envy thing,’ I suggested.‘Like, he didn’t want you being more successful than he is?’

Tanya tipped her head on one side.‘I… maybe that’s true.’She gave a small smile.‘Well, he’s only helped my hockey game.I’m enjoying visualising his face on every ball I hit.’

And I think that’s the point I’m trying to make.She was a survivor, Reid.The state-school kid who’d fought for her place and was flourishing.And it made me so angry, reading that coroner’s report, seeing his assumption that she’d died because she wasn’t good enough.That she’d been driven to drugs because she ‘wasn’t coping’.That because she wasn’t some private-school kid of bankers or doctors she’d been destined to fail.That’s what it said to me.

I don’t think she was ever, ever failing.Even when she decided to get back together with Matt after all, it was on her terms.And I know you were angry about it and thought itwas the wrong decision– I know– but I could tell she’d made him crawl through mud to be with her.

And actually, now I think about it, that was more of you being you, wasn’t it?More of your inability to see people as shades of grey.You made it into a moral thing right at your dad’s birthday party, when everything was supposed to be a celebration.

I remember Tanya arriving.How she bounded in with her slightly flushed cheeks and her thick wool sweater, looking just the picture of health.It would have been early March, wouldn’t it?Only a couple of weeks after that weekend in Cambridge with her.Still miserable wintertime, but Tanya always seemed like she’d been out in the sun somewhere.

‘Shit, sorry.Traffic nightmare.Am crap,’ she said as she hugged your dad and then you in turn.I was beginning to notice and to love that she didn’t stop talking for at least the first minute while entering a room.‘Hummus and crisps for you.Literally the most original person ever.Anna, you look so nice!Why are you wasting time on Reid?Give me a hug.Oh, the wine’s in Matt’s car.He’s about fifteen minutes behind me.Wow, little cousin Seb, you’ve grown your hair!You’re starting to look like a proper Murray man.Anyone got a bottle open?I need one basically right now.Yes!Large.Larger.That one.You’re a ledge.’

You must remember this next bit, because you were staring at her.And you interrupted her stream of words to say, ‘Matt?As in–’

‘Matt!’I could see the way Tanya avoided looking at you as she said it.‘My boyfriend Matt.You know.’

She scooped up the large glass of red she’d been handed and started drinking it while she gave you a meaningful look over the top.

‘So no longer your ex-boyfriend?’you persisted.

Tanya gave a small eye-roll and put the glass down with a clink.‘Obviously not.’She grinned over at me as if sharing a joke and moved to the table to start cutting a French loaf that had been left out there.‘I’m not in the habit of bringing exes to family events.’

‘No, but… it seems a lot to get past,’ you said, following her and hovering.‘The cheating.’

‘Sounds like they’ve talked it all through,’ I murmured at you as soon as I’d closed in.You didn’t seem to be able to hear me.

‘But… Twice, though, Tan.He cheated twice.’

Which was true, to be fair.But it was still her decision.

Tanya turned, chewing on the piece of French bread, and breezed straight past you to the drinks counter.‘Shall I get more ice out, Dad?’she called.And then she said to you, ‘Matt is getting some therapy.He’s accepted that he was being insecure about me not being around all the time.Having my own life.I’ve put clear boundaries in place, and it’s going to help.He had to grow up a lot when I broke up with him, and we’re in a much better place now.’

By the time she’d finished delivering this she was already vanishing into the pantry, where the full-height freezer lived.She reappeared holding a bag of ice, and I found myself wishing I had her easy competence.She always knew what needed organising.Whatever the situation.From the moment she walked in the door things just got more together instead of– well, less so.

Why would she need all those drugs, Reid?How would someone so together, so competent, need Ritalin?There are plenty of us who might possibly benefit from a concentration aid, but Tanya?She was born focused.

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