Page 21 of Dead to Me

Anyway, this wasn’t about that.It was about you and your rigidness.I have such a clear memory of the next part.Therewas the sound of a car, and Tanya came back to stand in front of you and said, ‘That’s probably Matt.It’s all fine, OK?We’ve worked stuff out.Be nice.’And she gave you a squeeze on the arm and one of her slightly wonky smiles.

But you weren’t nice, were you?You were being her overprotective big brother.I know it must have been hard not to.She was eight years younger, and you’d always felt like you had to protect her, but what you did wasn’t fair.

You looked very levelly at Matt when he came in– and yes, it annoyed me, too, that he was carrying the wine as though it were a gift just from him.But still.

I distinctly remember what you said when he asked how work was going.‘Oh, you know.The usual.Trying to make sure good people get justice and the arseholes get what they deserve.But it doesn’t always happen that way.’

And then the way you just… turned away from him and put your arm round Tanya.It was brutal.I hated how awkward it was and how you’d ignored your sister’s wishes.She’d asked you to welcome Matt in and you’d done the opposite.If she’d been any less tough, I don’t think she would have been able to laugh at you and slide away to stand with her boyfriend like she did.

The other problem with being absolute about your loyalties is you can end up writing people off.I mean, Matt probably wasn’t worth wasting time on, but we didn’t know that for sure.He was young and still had a lot to learn.If Tanya wanted to give him a second chance, that was up to her.

You’ve never really dealt in shades of grey, though, have you?In your world, there’s right and there’s wrong, and people are good or bad.No mitigating factors.No understanding.

Maybe that’s what you end up thinking when you’ve grown up in a happy family instead of a dysfunctional one.When nothing has ever been that hard in your life.

Until you hit twenty-nine and lose your only sister.

But I lost her too, Reid.I lost the young woman I’d started spending every free weekend with.The friend who loved hearing about my work, and was a rational head to talk to when I felt like I’d screwed things up.The almost-sister I’d supported when she found out she’d been cheated on once again, and had accompanied to at least two events she’d intended on going to with Matt.

Having written this far, I realise I was kind of naive, actually.I should have expected that, one day, I’d find myself standing on the wrong side of your line of good and evil.And maybe part of me did expect it.I just didn’t think it would happen while I was trying to do everything in my power to help you.

10.Reid

Reid had always prided himself on being the calm one.The focused one.The one who knew exactly what to do in a crisis.Where civilians and even some of his colleagues would cease functioning, Reid was always, always the one who quietly did what was needed.

And yet here he was, slumped on the sofa with a mass of uncertainty running through him.His calm had deserted him, wiped out by a simple phone call about the woman who’d broken his heart.

Perhaps it wasn’t just about the emotional side of this.Perhaps it was also the uncertainty he felt.

He knew Anna well.As well as anyone, and possibly better than Seaton did.He knew that her disappearance might not be anything to worry about.

Whatever else he’d got wrong about her, Reid knew that Anna’s ability to get distracted had been both profound and genuine.It was something that got in the way of her life (and infuriated people) so often that he was positive she wouldn’t fake it.It was entirely possible that Anna had just rushed off after a line of enquiry and would turn up in a few hours with an explanation.

He could still vividly remember his disbelief three weeks into their work together, when they’d met for dinner.It hadn’t been a date, however clear the chemistry between them had been.They’d just been meeting up at The Real Greek to brainstorm on her sex-trafficking case.The one that had becometheircase the moment she’d laid it all out in front of him.

The conversation that night had ended up diverging, as it so often had, onto ridiculous invented concepts and deceptively light-hearted sharing of their lives.He wasn’t sure why he’d found himself talking to her when he usually found it so hard not to deflect, but somehow it all just poured out when they were together.And he hadn’t felt stupid about sharing, either.Though he’d had ample time to feel very stupid in the eighteen months since.

Halfway through the main course– when they’d been in the middle of discussing the filmTornadofor some reason– Anna had left the restaurant table to go and use the bathroom, taking her phone with her.

She’d then disappeared for the next two hours.

‘Oh my god, I’m sorry,’ she’d said contritely when he’d finally, finally been able to get her to pick up her phone.‘I actually forgot we were in the middle of eating.I suddenly realised that the warehouses might not be as much of a dead end as we thought, and I needed to go and talk to someone.It was honestly worth it, though.I’ll explain when I get back.’

He’d told her, bluntly, not to bother, because he was going home.He’d been waiting in that restaurant the whole two hours, more and more convinced that she must have been abducted.It had been humiliating, stressful, and a waste of his time.

Anna being Anna, she’d ignored the brush-off and had turned up at his house twenty minutes later to apologise profusely, to the point where he’d started to feel she really did mean it.And then, after a pause, she’d given a tiny quirking smile and asked if he’d like to know what she’d found out.

He’d caved and let her in, and then found himself caught up in her story.Not only caught up in it, but actively working with her once again.

In spite of himself, he started reliving the rest of that night.He could picture their matching poses, hunkered over his coffee table as they’d pieced everything together and drunk more wine than they should have drunk.And then how they’d somehow been next to each other, with her intense energy drawing him in.

He wasn’t actually sure, to this day, who’d been the one to initiate that first kiss.But he did know it had been a long time coming.

For a moment he was really remembering the kiss, and then the heated, abandoned sex that had come after.And how utterly, terribly afraid he’d felt in the morning as he’d realised he was falling for her.Really, properly falling for her.

In daylight, after she’d left for home in a rush (of course), it had been so clear to him that it hadn’t meant a thing to her.That she was only in it for the fun.

So he’d met her that evening and done the mature thing.He’d told her it had all been a mistake, and that they should keep things professional.He’d convinced himself that he could shut everything away and just work with her from time to time.

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