Page 24 of Dead to Me

The party had done everything I wanted it to, even though I hadn’tseduced Ryan or got James on my side.I’d still been invited in.

Kit messaged (via Luca initially) to ask me to come for drinks with them all on the Saturday night, and it was clear that this was just the chosen few.The Pitt Club elite, with me a potential new member.

The whole dynamic of that invitation fascinated me.I was made welcome because Kit Frankland had decided I should be there.Whatever test I’d passed that night had opened doors, though a small part of me was alert to the ease of it.I’d sometimes catch Kit looking at me with an indulgent kind of approval and feel a thrill of worry that I wasn’t the hunter I thought: that I was somehow his prey.

We met for those drinks at Downing Bar, right whereEsther and Kit lived and only a short bike ride for me, James and Ryan.I’d obviously by this point worked out where everyone’s rooms were.College porters will give you an unholy amount of information if you act like a student trying to find your friend’s room.So I knew that James lived high up in an attic on St John’s Third Court, and that Ryan was in a Corpus Christi-owned townhouse on Trumpington Street called, imaginatively, T-Street.

I arrived at Downing Bar late, obviously, fully expecting to have to work hard to charm everyone.I was particularly worried about getting Esther onside, but to my surprise, her face lit up as soon as she saw me.She rose to give me a surprisingly enthusiastic hug in greeting and then sat me down next to her.

I wasn’t quite sure how to take this.Esther had seemed so closed off during our brief conversation at the party.Was this all an act?Her mother’s diplomatic role rubbing off on her?

Ryan, contrastingly, gave me a stiff nod and turned his whole body to talk to Kit’s girlfriend, which made me blink.I’d been expecting him to be friendly again, and couldn’t help losing my thread for a second.But Kit covered things smoothly by leaning in to ask me about rowing.Work.And then he chatted nonsense about his supervisor and a feud about essay submission while Esther laughed and interjected explanatory notes for me.It felt almost rehearsed, at the time, and it was difficult to really relax into.

Kit’s petite brunette girlfriend, Sarah, watched and laughed.She seemed in two minds about me being there.I felt like she was the one person who was straightforward wary about a newcomer, but prepared to like me if it turned out I was OK.So I set about proving that I was.Mostly by dropping in a comment about my experience at an Eras tour concert, and bonding a little over Taylor Swift.It was gratifying that Esther got on board with this conversation too.

But I was still very aware of Ryan in the background, a nagging sensation of something being wrong.And between comments, I tried to work out what the issue might be.Whether he was angry I’d been invited in.Whether I’d offended him somehow.

Once James finally arrived, at close to 10 p.m., I was relieved that he seemed to be OK with me being there.After he’d talked to the others for a while he gave me a grin, looking at me from under his fringe, and then ducked his head to take a drink.

It was weird, you know, seeing someone so objectively attractive feeling apparently so underconfident.I found myself trying to suss him out, wondering whether the whole shyness thing was just a facade.

‘Hi,’ I said eventually, realising he wasn’t going to start a conversation.

‘Nice to see you again,’ he said after a second.‘Did you enjoy the rest of the night?’

‘Of course she did,’ Kit said, suddenly appearing across the table with a drink in each hand.‘How could anyone not enjoy chatting to Cambridge’s most talented leading man, and then getting beaten at competitive long jump by a renowned rugby player?’

He handed the glasses over and then sat with an eager expression.

‘Beaten, my ass,’ I protested.‘I left you standing.’And then I halted for a moment, and said, ‘Wait.Who’s the leading man?’

Kit shook his head.‘James is.And no way did you beat me.’

I turned to James and said, ‘In.Heels.’And then said, ‘Are you really?’

‘Umm… Not really.’James ducked his head again.

‘One hundred per cent,’ Esther corrected him, putting her hand on my arm as though we were close friends.The changein her was still disconcerting.‘He was Hamlet at the ADC last term and it got such amazing reviews they’ve got funding to tour it, and Steven Berkoff is apparently super interested in getting him into the RSC.And on top of that, hisWho’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?performance at the Fringe won an actual award.’

‘Ohhh.That’s amazing.’I gave him a sheepish look.‘Sorry.I should probably know.I don’t think I’ve made it to any shows.’

‘Don’t be silly.It’s not big stuff.’He took a slug of his drink.‘Anyway, the main thing is you beat Kit at sport.’

Kit had put his arm round Sarah proprietorially.She turned to look up at him, but his focus was all on James now.‘Stop glorying in my failure, James.Wait.Alleged failure.Victory.’

‘Humiliating defeat,’ I put in, and Esther gave a delighted laugh.

‘Right,’ Kit said, sitting forwards.‘We clearly need a rematch.’

‘Fine,’ I said.‘But only if you wear heels, too.’

James downed the rest of his drink and said, ‘I’d better go.I promised myself I’d only be here half an hour.’He gave me an apologetic grin.‘I’m madly behind on work.Please don’t take it personally.’

‘I fully will,’ I told him.

James laughed, but there was a trace of embarrassment to it.I had to stand up to let him slide out from behind the table, and he seemed to want to avoid looking at me the entire time, even when I had to hand him his jacket.

‘Are you going to come tomorrow?’Esther asked, her voice keen with disappointment.

---