Page 25 of Dead to Me

‘I’ll see,’ James said.‘I’m going to get my arse handed to me if I don’t do some secondary reading for the Tragedy paper.And then I’ll get someone else’s arse handed to me if I don’t sort out American lit, too.’

I couldn’t help laughing at that, and James at least met my eye briefly, with something of a grin, before he made his way out, pulling his vape out as he went.I remembered that he hadn’t been part of the MDMA distribution at Kit’s party.Was the vaping his replacement drug now that Holly was gone?

‘So… I know hesaidthat wasn’t about me,’ I said, once he was too far off to hear, ‘but was that my fault?Did I make him feelsuperawkward?’

‘Oh, no, don’t worry,’ Esther said with what might have been an attempt to reassure me, or might possibly have been a patronising note, I wasn’t totally sure.‘He’s… had a hard time.That’s all.’

‘I’m sorry.’I glanced towards his undeniably dashing form, which was now vanishing through the doors.‘Has the college been down on him about work?It must be hard fitting it all in.’

‘It’s– not really that,’ Esther said.She looked profoundly uncomfortable, suddenly, and it was interesting to watch.‘More… personal stuff.’

‘Ah, OK.’There was a tension in all of them now, I realised.Well, Ryan and Kit and Esther were tense.Sarah just looked distracted.

The tension made me want so badly to prod at it, Reid.But I knew, for certain, that I couldn’t do that tonight.That if I did, I would never get to be a part of this group.So I looked at the glasses on the table and said, ‘Oh, hey.I should get a round in.’I grinned at them.‘See?Certified card-carrying Brit already.And it’s only been ten months.’

To my surprise, when they all gave their orders, Ryan asked quietly for a plain tonic with lime, and I wondered whether the G and Ts I thought he’d been drinking all evening had actually been non-alcoholic.

I nodded and started to head for the bar.Ryan jumped up and offered to help me, which was a second surprise.

And then, when we were at the bar, away from everyone, he said awkwardly, ‘I just wanted to… to check whether I was a dick… the other night.’

I blinked at him, remembering how he’d got carried away with talking to his brother’s friends.It had been enthusiastic and a little boring, but not obnoxious.

‘Not at all,’ I said.‘I didn’t think you were anything but nice to talk to.’

‘Oh.’He blinked, as if surprised.‘That’s– that’s really good.’He looked away from me, and then back.‘I was worrying about it.I’m, you know, not supposed to drink.I… I turn into a real twat most of the time.When I do.’

I frowned at him, trying to read his face.‘You did some shots, but you seemed fine.Just kind of rowdy.’And then I looked at the two cocktails on the bar.The bartender was busy pouring a glass of wine for Kit and a vodka tonic for me.‘So you’re basically teetotal?’

Ryan nodded.‘Yeah, as of this year.I really need to be.’He shook his head, and when he met my eye it was with a look of real sadness.‘I got sick of finding out that people were angry with me the next day.I don’t think anyone likes drunk me.’He gave a humourless laugh.‘I definitely don’t.’

I could feel my pulse in my neck as he said it.

He’d have been drinking at the May Ball,I thought.And maybe lots of times before that.When Tanya was here…

I looked back at the drinks, trying to think of what Aria would say, instead of what Anna would.

And with a thrill of exhilaration I realised that I knew how to talk to him about this.How I might get him to open up about what he’d done.

‘Isn’t it… hard?’I asked, after a beat.‘When everyone else around you drinks so much?’

Ryan gave a shrug.‘Nah, it’s mostly OK.’

I met his eye.‘I… had a problem with that kind of thing,’ I said.‘Not alcohol.’I looked towards the bartender and realised he was waiting for me to pay.‘Actually, can I get one of those elderflower tonics with ice, too?’I asked.‘Sorry.’

The moment the bartender had gone I said quickly and quietly, ‘It was cocaine.I… I wasn’t rational on it.And I couldn’tnottake it.’I shook my head.‘It was all a fucking mess.But the hardest thing was trying to be around the people who were still using it.’

When the bartender came back I paid, and then I pushed the vodka tonic I’d originally ordered to one side and gathered together all the other drinks.I didn’t look at Ryan as we split them between us to carry.But I could tell that he was watching me with absolute attention.

‘I had to ask them not to use it in front of me,’ I said, once the drinks were in my hands.‘And even now, I think it’d be hard if I was around people who were getting high all the time.’

I did look at him then, and there was a painful kind of understanding in his expression.It was difficult to see, actually.Because while part of me was still wondering whether this guy who was bad with alcohol had killed two young women while drunk, I was acutely aware that I was lying to someone who had addiction problems.

It’s a good thing,I was trying to tell myself.This is a real connection.You can use it.

‘It is kind of shit,’ he said.‘I mean, these guys aren’t too bad.They don’t pressure me.But it’s still…’ He shook his head.‘I guess I just need to be tougher.’

I raised an eyebrow at him.‘Or you need an ally.’

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