Page 29 of Dead to Me

It was hard to know exactly what he was looking for in the flat.The frazzled pot plants were no guarantee of how long she’d been gone.Nor was the fact that there seemed to be very little food in the fridge, as she’d always been erratic about shopping, and he couldn’t read much into the dates on the unopened letters.

There was no sign of her laptop, he noted.It hadn’t been in Cambridge, either.Seaton had one of her phones, but the other one didn’t seem to be here.

So laptop, phone and Anna were all missing.A point he tried to note to himself while ignoring a fizz of real worry.

He stood looking around the kitchen, trying to see more.Anna’s usual workstation at the kitchen table held only newspapers (the latest from a week ago), more unopened letters and several plates with crumbs on.He could see no backpack of the kind she usually carried the computer in.

He looked at the chaos of open cupboards and vividly remembered her joking, ‘Don’t judge me for the open cupboard doors.You’ll be able to follow them if I ever get kidnapped…’

It had been a throwaway remark that had turned into a running joke, because Anna hardly ever closed a cupboard once she’d opened it.Somehow she was always on to the next thing, too impatient or too distracted to take the millisecond to shut any door behind her.

But now, here he was, living the reality of her disappearing.And the trail led nowhere.

13.Anna

The strange mood as I left the bar on that first Saturday night gave me an edgy, anxious aftertaste.Back at the Jesus Lane house, I went over everything I’d said, wondering if I’d screwed up and given myself away (I do this a whole lot more than I was ever willing to admit to you, Reid) and then googling increasingly stupid stuff until 2 a.m.

I badly needed something to counter the anxiety, but I was coming up blank.There was still no sign of any link between any of the four and Tanya.There was also nothing online about Ryan or any unnamed students attacking women when drunk, or doing anything violent, which was disappointing.I was so sure his words to me had implied a past awful event.Though I have to admit I found myself hoping hehadn’tattacked Holly or Tanya, because there was a vulnerability and willingness to change in Ryan Jaffett that gave me hope in the guy.

I spent a while looking up more about James Sedgewick and Kit Frankland, too.James, because he’d been so uneasy at my presence.Whatever Esther had said, I felt like I’d unbalanced him by joining the group.Logically, the most likely person to feel threatened by an outsider was someone with a guilty conscience.

Kit I had different concerns over.There were obvious reasons to suspect the guy who seemed to supply them all with drugs.He was clearly also someone who liked to exercise power, and the way he’d watched me as I’d left had, to be honest, given me the creeps.

The last searches I did were for weird events in relation to Esther Thomas’s name.She seemed, of them all, the least obvious candidate, but I knew I couldn’t discount her.Poisoning was often the choice made by a woman without the strength to kill in another way, and with no other options left open.But Esther was as hard to read online as she had been in person.The only thing I really concluded was that she’d grown very close to Holly Moore before she’d died.There were increasing numbers of photos of the two of them with arms round each other over the two years, and Cordelia had featured, I noticed, in fewer and fewer.An interesting note.

I eventually gave up when I realised it was now gone two, and went to bed, only to lie awake thinking about it all.I wished I had more access to the group instead of having to wait an unspecified number of days till the next social event.But I couldn’t push.I knew that instinctively.They had to pursue, and I had to be the one who was hard to convince.

I ended up feeling gritty-eyed and sluggish as I took my borrowed scull out on the water at seven the next day.I’d been warned to wear my sneakily sourced GB kit and not to use any college blades as, technically, students weren’t allowed on the river on a Sunday morning.A rule it was good to know.

Did I tell you it was Dad who arranged my sculling boat?I can’t remember.He’s done a lot for me here, and in return he demanded regular updates on everything I was doing so he got to feel involved.

It’s totally clear to me that Dad has been both bored and lonely since he retired and that all this has been giving him something to do.But actually, it’s been weirdly nice getting to spend time with him.I’ve started to feel like I know him a little better, you know?Beyond the surface stuff about him.

So despite my tiredness, I was looking forward to ourarranged brunch after the sculling session.It was our third meet-up since I’d arrived in the city, and this time I had a few things to report.

Dad picked the Ivy as the venue.Not where I’d go for a big plate of food after a rowing outing, but I wasn’t paying.I managed to be only twenty minutes late, and I’d changed into clothes that didn’t smell.But I was tired and distracted and he gave me a very shrewd look after we’d ordered.

‘You look exhausted,’ he said.‘Are you putting too much into the rowing?’

‘Oh, not really,’ I said.And then amended, ‘I might taper it off slightly and focus on the gym sessions, which are more balanced.I’m kind of bored of everything aching all the time.’I rolled a shoulder and sighed.‘But mostly I just didn’t sleep well.’

I took him through the previous night’s work in an extremely low voice, leaving only James Sedgewick out of it.It wasn’t too hard when I had hardly anything to say about him anyway.

It was useful to be rehearsing all this before I had to go and tell it all to Gael the next day.We have a weekly scheduled Monday check-in, with the option to add other catch-ups, and I don’t think I’ve looked forward to a single one.It reminds me of when I used to learn piano and had never done enough practice to satisfy my teacher.

‘It’s annoying,’ I finished, in the end, ‘because I’m so short on time I can’t think of any way of making more progress today.I mean, I could maybe go and look into some of the sports stuff Ryan and Kit both do.Maybe see if I can track down someone who knows them that way.Happen to bump into them.But it’s a long shot and probably a waste of time.’

‘You know,’ Dad said, slowly, ‘if you wanted to meet sports folks, there’s a pretty good opportunity today.The BUCScricket final is today at Fenner’s.A lot of the sportier students like to go for a social event, and it’s a sunny afternoon.’He raised an eyebrow at me.‘We could take a picnic.’

Now this, Reid, immediately made me perk up.And not just because of the free food.Despite everything I’d promised myself, I was still aching to look into Tanya’s death, too.Anywhere sports folks were gathered offered me a chance, and I wanted to take it.

‘Well, if you’re sure you’re not busy…’ I said.

‘I was already planning on going,’ Dad told me.

But I wondered, actually, whether that was true.The moment I agreed he looked totally psyched.He was suddenly sitting up straighter and talking with more animation.See?The man needs more to do with his time.

I had to message Cordelia for fashion advice on the cricket match and inevitably ended up late.Mostly because I had to wait for her to finish morning lectures to reply.

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