Page 35 of Dead to Me

Though as I remembered James’s flat stare all over again, I felt a flicker of worry.

There was nervous energy running through me as Esther led me into what was apparently the smaller dining room at Magdalene College (which, by the way, is pronouncednothing likeit looks.This place, Reid).We’d met at the college gates, and Esther seriously wasn’t helping my nerves by talking at length about a Haut Lafitte tasting she’d been to earlier in the year.

‘I really hadn’t expected some of the palates,’ she told me.‘Have you ever tried their white Bordeaux?It’s extraordinary.Almost crystallised.’

‘I have not,’ I told her, with as light a laugh as I could manage.‘But I believe you.’

I was momentarily rescued at the doorway by Kit calling from across the dining room.He and Ryan were standing alongside a table covered with different-shaped glasses.No Sarah tonight, it seemed.But then, it probably wasn’t surprising.Cordelia had told me that Kit’s girlfriends were only add-ons rather than core members of the group.Which might be healthy, or might be about Kit keeping a level of control over the people in his life.

I scanned the room and realised with a flicker of further anxiety that James was already here, too.He was deep in conversation with an expensively tailored man who must have been my dad’s age and an extremely pretty, dark-haired woman of probably close to my own.I braced myself.There was every chance James had told the room I’d been gossiping behind his back.

After this thought came another one: I realised my expectation that the wine tasting would be students only was way off.It was run by the Wine Society, which was a student society officially, but only half the occupants of the room looked to be undergrad age.The rest were a whole spread of other ages, and some of them were at least in their sixties.

Ryan gave me a warm hug as I arrived, but I could sense tension in him, and I realised that this event might actually be worse for him than it was for me.

‘Hey,’ I said.‘I didn’t know you were coming.’Which was basically my tactful way of saying,Why is a teetotaller at a wine tasting?

He gave me a tight smile.‘Yeah, Esther talked me into it.’He added, more quietly, ‘I won’t be swallowing any.’

I blinked at him, thinking that this sounded like the craziest test of willpower I’d ever heard.But I couldn’t say a lot else without embarrassing him.So I changed the subject to rugby.

While we spoke, I was half listening to Kit teasing Esther for the amount of work she was doing.It was gently done, but I sensed a serious undercurrent.

‘I’m honestly doing hardly any!’she eventually protested, with what almost sounded like a note of stress.‘Around all the social stuff we’re doing, it’s barely ten hours in a day, and my nightmare exams are on Thursday and Friday.I shouldn’t even be here.’

That comment drew my attention.She’d been talked into coming outin the middleof her exams?With only two days until the next one?I would have been cramming in a panic at that stage, with at most a brief pint of soda with my friends before returning to my room.

At the same time, I wondered whether ten hours was a usual amount of study for her, because it didn’t leave much room for other stuff.I really wanted to join their conversation.To ask questions and find out what made Esther tick; what might tip her over the edge.I wanted to see under Esther’s surface and work out whether her affectionate side could turn obsessive.

There was a loud laugh from James’s group, and we all of us ended up stopping to look over.It was the well-tailored older guy, guffawing at something the pretty dark-haired girl had said.

James, I thought, looked embarrassed to be there.I wasn’t sure if it was the company or the event, though he definitely fitted the aesthetic.His Greek-statue face, tumbling hair and slim build suited his old-fashioned tuxedo perfectly, and I suddenly saw how he must be on stage.

The pretty young woman leaned over to talk to him, and James visibly relaxed a little.I wondered whether she was a new love interest.If she was, she would apparently be the first person James had considered since Holly’s death.Hissocial media and Cordelia agreed on this.But as the rest of my group started to talk again the girl detached herself and moved away across the room, leaving James to drift over to us.

I saw James look towards me and then away, and was sure there was a grilling of some kind coming.It couldn’t have been clearer that he’d disliked me talking to gossip-loving Tess.

I decided I needed a glass of wine to calm the roiling nerves in my stomach.There were a few people already drinking champagne and near us on the table was what looked like my kind of light red, so I reached out to take one and offered a glass to Esther, too.

‘Oh,’ she said, quietly, turning towards me.‘I… do you really want to drink a red before a tasting?I don’t even know why they’ve served it.’

I felt the jolt of a misstep.It was like they’d set up a trap for me to walk into.

‘New secretary,’ Kit said, leaning in.‘Doesn’t know the rules.’

There was something about his expression that challenged me, and you know I can’t say no to a challenge, Reid.I laughed and knocked a large mouthful of the (actually really nice) wine back.

‘As far as I’m concerned,’ I said after I’d swallowed it, ‘the rule is “Drink what you feel like drinking right now”.I have a day off training tomorrow for the first time in two weeks.Screw saving my palate for a load of wines I’ll probably dislike.’

Kit gave a slow smile, and then– slightly to my surprise– picked a glass up, too.

‘I’ll drink to that.’

After a moment, Esther glanced at the second glass I was still holding, and said, ‘You know, I like your rule better.’

Ryan glanced towards a cluster of older men and shook hishead with a smile.‘I’m not going to join in.You’re all making me look like a pleb.’

I couldn’t help giving a shocked laugh.‘Nobody actually says “pleb”.’

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