Page 54 of Dead to Me

‘True, that,’ Kit agreed.

I couldn’t help laughing at all of this.And you know whatI hated about that moment, Reid?It was the thought that I really liked these people.That, in any other situation, we could so easily be real friends.

It wasn’t the kind of thought I usually have when working.Most of the people I have to buddy up to are deeply into criminal activities or loathsomely elitist.

I tried not to let the fondness in.I’d come here for a reason and I knew that I needed to talk to Sarah while I had the chance.

I’d decided to be teetotal again tonight, both to keep supporting Ryan and in order to keep my head in the game.I’d taken a bunch of co-codamol, too, and that was enough head-altering substances for me.So when Kit and Sarah offered to go to the bar I asked for a tonic and bantered with Ryan for a little while in the background, thinking about how to approach Sarah.

But when the two of them returned and I tried to strike up a conversation I realised that Sarah was no longer keen on talking with meat all.She gave me snippy replies and there was something frosty and guarded in the way she was looking at me.

I found my pulse rate climbing.Why had this change happened?She’d been OK with me when I’d arrived.

But then she’d gone to the bar with Kit.Was it possible that he’d told her I couldn’t be trusted?Had he seen through me this afternoon?

Unless Sarah doesn’t trust me for her own reasons?I thought.

I realised only then that I didn’t know whether Sarah had been at the ball when Holly died.Whether she’d even known this group back then.She hadn’t appeared in their photos, and I knew she’d only been dating Kit for the last three months.But that didn’t mean shehadn’tbeen involved, did it?

What if she’d wanted in on the group for a long time?People could get obsessive.She could have been watching them all for ages.Could have seen Holly as an obstacle, for some reason.

I felt something close to guilt.I should have known more about this by now.Cordelia’s angry exit at the Caledonian Club rushed back to me and I wondered whether I was letting Holly down.Was it possible that in allowing my thoughts to slide too often towards Tanya, I was failing her?And failing Cordelia, too?

I’m not going to fail, I thought to myself as I looked between Kit, all cool smiles, and brittle, angry Sarah.There’s something going on between them all, and I’m going to figure out what it is.

Ryan, at least, seemed to be on good form.He jumped up to help with drinks and insisted on getting my round for me.

‘You’re injured,’ he told me, firmly.‘You’re not carrying anything, and you’re not paying, either.’

I couldn’t help feeling relieved.As good value as student drinks were, I was starting to worry that the credit card was going to hit its limit.Every part of this cost money, and it was, frankly, astonishing watching this group spend as easily as breathing.

I decided that I should push the conversation in a direction that wasn’t selfish: the topic of who did and who didn’t have a car.That wasn’t about Tanya: it was about who might have wanted to warn me off.It was what Ishouldbe asking.

‘Anyone feel like driving me to London tomorrow?’I asked, once Ryan had returned.‘I need to show my coach and physio the damage and work out a plan, but after today I honestly can’t face the train and the tube.’

Ryan shook his head with a grin.‘Americans.Always assuming people drive everywhere.’

‘I do not!’I protested, slightly surprised that he was being harsh.‘I’ve been cycling all year like I’m Scandinavian orsomething.But if anyone could let me pay them to drive me, it would be kind of helpful.’

Kit gave me a thoughtful look.‘Let me see if I can get out of something.’

‘Oh, like, don’t move anything,’ I said, immediately.‘I could just woman up and take the train.’

‘No, it’s cool,’ he said.‘Just depends on how flexible this revision supervision is.’

I gave him a crooked smile.‘Thanks.I guess James doesn’t have a vehicle, if that doesn’t work out?’

‘Save-the-planet Sedgewick?’Ryan asked.‘No way.He thinks owning a car is morally wrong.’

‘Oh.’I gave a short laugh.‘I mean, I guess he kind of has a point…’ And then I broke off, seeing a possible advantage.‘Oh.That wasn’t… that wasn’t how his girlfriend died or something?’

‘No, nothing like that,’ Kit said after a momentary silence.‘Holly… it was the May Ball.We were all there, but she– wandered off and– and drowned.’

I saw him look over at Ryan with what might have been an expression of concern but might also have been a brief reminder to keep his mouth shut.

He said they were all there,I thought.Including Sarah.

‘I’m so sorry,’ I said.And then, addressing Sarah directly, I said, ‘It must be really hard, losing a friend like that.’

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