Page 57 of Dead to Me

I thought, in a horrible jolt, of Holly Moore.She’d been his friend’s girlfriend, but maybe that hadn’t mattered to him.She’d been an athlete, too.He’d probably wanted the feel of her body against his, no matter whatshewanted.

And Tanya.Tanya had been strong, too.

Is that why they died?I thought.Was it all about what one out-of-control man wanted?

The thought turned me from being keen to get away to being seriously, honestly afraid.I started writhing away from him, and I screamed at him to get the hell off me.

I was still mostly pinned, but I got an arm free and started pushing and shoving at him, sensing freedom.

And then Kit Frankland’s voice said, ‘Ryan, get off her!’

There was a second while I continued to try to slide out from behind Ryan, and then he pivoted away, as if pulled.With his weight released, I staggered, and crashed straight down onto one knee on the stone tiles of the corridor.

‘For fuck’s sake, Ryan,’ Kit said, his voice low and angry.

I felt hands on me, on my arms and shoulders, but it wasn’tclear to me just then whose they were.I pushed them off and scrambled to my feet.My knee was numb in that way that told me it was going to really hurt later, a perfect addition to my already sore calf and shin from the fall off the bike, but I breathed in and gave Kit a nod as I straightened my hair.‘I’m OK.’

I walked past him down the corridor.I found my unsteady way out to the front quad of King’s and stood in the chilly June moonlight.I turned away from the road and found myself looking past the bulk of the Gibbs’ building towards the gleaming river.Then raising my head to look at the moon as I breathed in and out.In and out.

I couldn’t quite seem to catch my breath out there.Not for minute after minute.

Come on, Anna, I thought.Toughen up.

But I couldn’t seem to find the tough version of me.

I probably should have expected Kit to be the one to come and find me.I could hear steps coming hesitantly towards me, but I was still watching the moon, which was just on the point of touching the roof of the building ahead.I felt like I’d be OK if I could just watch it until the two shapes met.

‘Are you…?’Kit cleared his throat.‘I know you said you’re… but that was shit.I’m… I’m really sorry.’

I gave in and turned to look at him, trying to read what he really thought from his expression.Because Ryan was Kit’s friend, and I knew he must–must– have known what he was like.He must on some level approve of this bullshit.This apparent concern… it must be fake.

But he just looked sad.And a little horrified.

‘Is this what he does?’I asked.‘Is this… how Ryan treats girls?Because I don’t think I… I don’t feel like I did anything to encourage him.’

‘No,’ Kit said, quickly.‘It wasn’t you.He just gets out of control when he’s drunk sometimes.It’s like, I don’t know, he just starts thinking someone wants him.I think maybe all the inside imaginary situations take over and he stops taking in that someone’s saying no.’

I shook my head.I knew the best thing would probably be to shrug it all off and pretend to be fine.It would give me a chance to ask Kit about the other times Ryan had done this.I might have found out, right then and there, whether Holly could have been a victim.

But you know, Reid, I was so far from OK just then.I was afraid, and not just for myself.For other women.

‘He needs to be talked to,’ I said, a shake to my voice that I hated.‘He’s going to end up…’

Kit nodded.‘I know.I’ve talked to him…’

‘No,’ I said, and I stepped towards him, failing to keep my thoughts and feelings in real check.‘He needs proper therapy.Or a warning from the police.Or for you to tell him that you’re going to report him for this, right now.He needs more than a little speech about behaving himself.I know there are reasons he is the way he is, but there always are.Hehas to stop.’

There was a pause while Kit gave me a very long look, and then he said, ‘I know that, too.’And I guess I must have let more of my feelings show than I was aware of, because he said, ‘There’s a hug here if you… if you want.’

He opened his arms, and somehow it made perfect sense to step forward into them.

And weirdly, despite having just been pinned to a door by one rugby player, that non-sexual, comforting hug was exactly what I needed just then.

I guess part of Kit’s power is knowing that kind of thing.What people need.Where all our weaknesses are.

After a moment, it occurred to me that Sarah might come out and find us like that.The last thing I wanted was that kind of a reputation.

‘Is… do you think Sarah would mind you hugging the new girl?’I asked into his ear, without letting go.

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