Page 61 of Dead to Me

Esther stopped squeezing her hand closed and tucked her hair behind her ear.‘Honestly, I’m not sure.For now, I’mjust glad it’s done.I’ll have all of tonight to relive everything I did wrong.’

‘I stan that,’ Kit said.‘Picnic at the Mill Pond?’

‘Perfect,’ Esther said.

It turned into a strange evening, where I felt like I was the central point in some bizarre triangle.Kit was so clearly hyper-aware of me and finding every excuse possible to be near me or touch me or make me laugh.It was an electric, zinging kind of flirtation that made me feel I had to be on my toes.

What was stranger, though, was the way Esther seemed to want my attention and touch, too, in a softer, more comfort-craving way.She would sit with my arm drawn round her or her shoulder leaning into mine.At times she even lay with her head on my legs, looking tired and kind of sad.

Although there were two of us there and Kit was her long-term friend and flatmate, she often seemed like she was talking exclusively to me.It felt that way when she asked, ‘Were you nervous the whole way through your finals?Just terrified?’

I laughed.‘Hell, yes.And I had more reason to be.I’d screwed up on the work side.Too much rowing… and I didn’t cope very well with all the crap that went with rowing.’I squeezed her arm.‘You’ve got this so much more under control.’

‘I don’t think I have,’ Esther said, and there was no trace of the cool, together young woman I’d first met at that party.She sounded vulnerable.Lost.‘I’m not clever enough for this stuff and I… I find my brain just sliding off it.’

‘You’re plenty clever enough,’ Kit said, firmly.‘It’s just not what you wanted to do.This is what happens when you force someone into a subject that doesn’t suit them.’

I looked at Esther.‘What did you want to do?’

‘Biology,’ she said, quietly.‘Nat Sci.It’s… I’ve never beengood at essays.But I love lab time, and even programming and modelling’s OK.’

It’s weird how, in that moment, I felt really sorry for her, Reid.That rich, beautiful young woman who seemed to have it all.

‘Could you do a postgrad?’

Esther grimaced.‘Mummy would… Honestly, there’s no way.I need to find a job, as soon as possible.’

‘Oh,’ Kit said.‘I… so the one you were looking at…?’

‘I didn’t get through the last round,’ Esther said, tightly.

‘Well, they’re idiots,’ Kit said, then added, squeezing up close on Esther’s other side and putting an arm round her, ‘Sorry, E.You’ll get something amazing.And you know, someday soon, you’re going to be free of that woman, and you’re going to fly.’

‘Thanks, Kit,’ Esther said.But she had the dull expression of someone who didn’t believe it.

‘Have another gin,’ he said after that, and got to his feet.We’d brought food and a few cans with us from the central Marks and Spencer, but had then been taking it in turns to go to the Mill pub and bring drinks out.It was only once Kit had crossed the grass and gone out of earshot that Esther suddenly said to me, ‘I really don’t want Ryan to ruin anything.It’s the best having you here.Things have been so shit.’

She started studying the grass, as though embarrassed to say this to my face, but she still kept one hand twined through mine.

‘You mean since Holly?’I tried.

Esther nodded, and then said, ‘I’ve had literally nobody to talk to.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I told her.‘Tell me stuff.I’m here.’

‘I…’ She looked away from me.‘It’s hard to…’

I nodded, gave her a moment, and then asked, ‘What was she like?As a person?’

‘She was… a ray of light.’She laughed.‘She always, always saw the best in everyone.I… sometimes I used to find it frustrating, actually.She had a close friend who wasn’t that good for her.’

‘Oh, like, a bad influence?’I asked.

Esther pulled a face.‘Kind of.I mean, more controlling, maybe?They’d been at school together.’

Oh, shit,I thought.She means Cordelia.

‘It’s really hard,’ I said, tentatively, ‘seeing someone controlled by someone else.’

---