Page 62 of Dead to Me

‘It was,’ Esther said, picking at the grass.‘She used to try to tell Holly how to live.Tell her she shouldn’t be going away on holiday, or seeing us all.She thought it was immoral to spend money, for god’s sake, as if there shouldn’t be an upside to having the parents we all have.’She gave a snort of derision.‘Holly would sometimes end up cancelling on us to keep her happy, even when it was stuff she really wanted to do.’

I felt like everything was twisting around on me.Had I got both Holly and Cordelia wrong?Had Holly been caught between these people?

‘Did you feel like you had to share her with this friend?’

There was a pause, and Esther said, ‘Yes.Though Holly gradually realised that it wasn’t OK, I think.She’d got a bit better at standing up to her, but…’ She shook her head.‘She never really got free, and now she’s dead, and Cordelia blames us, because we were there.Even though Holly went off alone and we would have done anything to stop it happening.’

‘God, Esther, I’m sorry,’ I said.‘I can’t even imagine how hard it must be.’

There was a brief silence, and then Esther said, in a voice full of emotion, ‘It was so hard, but it… I feel so selfish, because it’s not what I keep thinking about.’

‘It’s OK to have other stuff that makes you sad,’ I told her.‘And to want to talk about it.You’re a human being.’

There was a pause, and then Esther said, ‘I can’t get over this– this relationship I had which… It wasn’t even good for me.I know that.’

‘The guy you saw for breakfast?’I asked.

‘Yes,’ she said, miserably.‘But I want him back so badly.I shouldn’t have seen him.It’s made it all so much worse again.’

Iclearlyneeded to know more about this guy, particularly as he seemed to be linked to Holly in her mind.I swung round so I could lean on the grass next to her, and I had a glimpse of proper tears pouring down her cheeks.I felt another uncomfortable rush of real, honest sympathy.

‘It’s really hard to let people go,’ I said, acknowledging inwardly that this was profoundly true for me, too.‘I had this relationship a while back.I thought it was perfect, but then it all went wrong.I’ve worked so hard to get over him, but then stuff reminds me of him, and I just… I end up writing these stupid emails…’

There I was, giving her a real part of myself once again.The weird honesty that sometimes surfaces in this job.It can mess with you a little.

But however messy it was, it worked to get her talking.Esther gave a sobbing laugh and said, ‘I do that.I message him sometimes.And then I feel so stupid, because I always think when he replies that it means something…’

‘Because it’s kind of… a little interested?’I asked.

‘Yes,’ she said.‘But it never amounts to more.’

‘He sounds like he’s stringing you along,’ I said with a frown.‘At least my ex has made it clear he isnotkeen.Is he– does he have someone else, maybe?’

There was a long pause, while I felt like maybe that had been too blunt, and then Esther said quietly, ‘He does.Iactually know he does, but I still… I just keep thinking I can win him back.’

I gave a sigh.‘I so get it.We’re always wired to feel like we have to win them, aren’t we?But you are so, so great, Esther.’I leaned in close to her, not quite sure what I should tactically be saying to her, but positive the moral thing to do was to tell her she was better than this.‘I know that’s a platitude, but you areintimidatinglywonderful.Smart and beautiful and this incredible friend.If he’s too stupid to see that and to put you first, then he doesn’t deserve you.’

I saw her lift a hand to wipe her eyes.‘I don’t know.’

‘Truly,’ I said.‘Plus, he’s dicking you around, which isnotnice.What’s his name, this guy?’

There was a pause, and then Esther said, ‘I… I actually can’t tell anyone, because it… We shouldn’t be doing anything at all.Both of us would be in so much trouble.’

I felt a real zing of interest at that, as you can imagine, Reid.Was this a supervisor or a tutor?Because one of those might have been at Trinity May Ball in his own right without appearing on Cordelia’s list.

I glanced up and saw, across the lawn, that Kit had emerged from the Mill with our drinks.Clearly a short queue, just when I could have done with it being longer.

‘Well,’ I told her, ‘if you ever want him taking out, just let me know.All the weight training has to be good for something.’

Esther laughed at that, but I found myself thinking much more deeply about her than I had.If she’d talked to Holly about all this, which she’d implied she used to do, then was it possible that Holly had worked out who her illicit lover was?And had this been the thing that had gotten her killed?

If so, how had that connected with Tanya?

I found myself wondering whether Esther could really have had enough of a motive.If she’d had a relationship withsomeone teaching her, it would be frowned on, and really not great if he was married, but it also wouldn’t be enough to get her kicked out or in serious trouble.

But,I thought,it could well be enough to ruin a diplomatic career.And Esther might be desperate enough to stop her mother finding out that she’d do something drastic.

I hoped I’d get to see Esther alone over the weekend, but the next times I saw her Kit and James were there, too.The first time, we went punting, all crammed in one boat, and the second we visited a tiny coffee house in the centre of town named Indigo.There was no space to talk privately at either, and all the while I was aware that Kit was watching me in the way that people do when they want to be more than friends.

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