Page 63 of Dead to Me

It interested me that James was in better spirits at these meet-ups.He stayed longer, and seemed much more relaxed, even though he was now diving head first into his exams.

‘I need something to do that isn’t sitting in my room,’ he said when I expressed surprise at seeing him out instead of studying.

But as I watched him interacting with the others I wondered suddenly whether the difference in him was because Ryan wasn’t there.And that interested me as much as Esther and her secret boyfriend.Because if James found Ryan’s presence stressful, there were two possible reasons I could think of that were very relevant: that James suspected something bad about Ryan, or that Ryanknewsomething bad about James.

The idea of having to talk to Ryan again to find out more made my stomach tie itself in horrible knots.But, in fact, I haven’t faced him yet, Reid, and I think all this might be done.Because the bad stuff that came out tonight is… I’m not sure I can get past it.

So.It’s Monday, and I had my check-in with Gael.I told Kit I had to be in to see my coach, and had lunch with him first.

The two of us drank too much, and he told me a lot about his difficult relationship with his dad, and then made me laugh about his weird dissertation supervisor.

I was still kind of drunk by the time I got to theEnsign, if I’m honest.Kit always wants to order alcohol with everything, and daytime drinking hits hard.I’d only managed to keep it reasonable by telling him I’d have to get on a rowing machine later.

I’d promised Gael an update at 6 p.m., and actually made it by quarter past, which wasn’t so bad.I arrived feeling anxious that Cordelia had spoken to him, but there was no sign of it.When I told him all about the hit-and-run and Ryan’s awful drunk behaviour he looked pleased as punch.And then when I went into how Kit was now really into me, he looked totally delighted.He wasall overthat particular development in a way that made me feel weird.And you know, I do sometimes wonder if Gael understands how it feels to do what I do.

He barely even commented on how Ryan forced himself on me, you know.And I wanted to ask him why not.It’s not a small thing, and it could happen again.I so often have to get close to men who make my skin crawl, or who I think might have done something terrible.

And you know, I’ve been finding it hard in a lot of ways, getting close to Kit.I mean, he might have killed someone, but he’s also handsome and generally kind and I might just be really hurting him for no reason.

‘Have you made any inroads on the club itself?’Gael asked, after all that.

This was the one point that made me feel genuinely worried.Because the truth was, I’d made none.I hadn’t been invited to any Pitt Club events yet, and I’d heard virtuallynothing about it.No stories about anyone there, and not even any mentions of the others going along.

‘I’m working on it,’ I told him, brightly.‘I think I should have my foot through the door soon.’

Gael seemed to accept that, and I was free to hand over my receipts and talk practicalities for the rest of the meeting.At some point, a message arrived from Cordelia.She said she was in Cambridge and wanted to see me.

I genuinely didn’t know what to make of it.It soundedlike it might be a peace offering, and yet I wasn’t too sure.I felt like she’d been genuinely angry with me.

And on top of that, I’d been really,reallylooking forward to a night in my London flat.A night back being Anna instead of Aria.

But I agreed.Of course.I was too curious not to, and to be honest I missed her.

An hour later I was back in Cambridge and cycling to my temporary home.My leg was hurting with every turn of the pedals, but I could still ride, and I was determined to keep it moving.Plus, I was sure as all hell not going to let someone scare me out of cycling around the place.

I didn’t have time to mentally ready myself for Cordelia.Ten minutes after I made it home, she was there, at my door.And she’d brought someone with her.A tall, skinny guy in his twenties sporting a long-sleeved top, round glasses and a tightly trimmed moustache.

Natural sciences student, I thought, narrowing my eyes at him.Don’t tell me I haven’t picked up some of this fashion stuff, Reid.

‘Hi,’ I said, more than a little wary.

‘This is Anthony,’ Cordelia said, meeting my eye with a look that was… what?Excited?Firm?I wasn’t sure.‘Can we come in?’

She has something,I suddenly thought, light dawning.She really has something, and she’s too pissed off at me to say it straight out.

‘Sure.’I took a step backwards, and then realised I should be making a proper effort to welcome them in.I kicked a pair of shoes out of the way, hastily hung up a coat and then waved them into the little sitting room.

‘You want tea?Wine?Gin?’

‘Umm… Gin, actually,’ Anthony said, sitting down shakily on the sofa.

‘Right.’

I went to find ice and glasses with a strange feeling in my chest.I understood what I was seeing.This guy had come with a confession.A hard one.The alcohol was his coping mechanism.

They weren’t the best-made gin and tonics ever, though I did at least remember to use the alcohol-free stuff for me and Cordelia.But the drinks had ice, and a kind of slice, even if it looked like it had been hacked rather than cut.

‘OK,’ I said, handing them out and sitting in the armchair at ninety degrees from them.‘I… Do you want to talk first, or…?’

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