Page 68 of Dead to Me

‘Come on,’ she said.‘Your dad’s making us tea.’

I followed her to the sitting room, with a brief stop-off in the downstairs cloakroom to use the toothbrush Dad had insisted on lending me.It was definitely the first time I’d used it, which is admittedly pretty gross.

Dad did his tea-maid bit and gave me an assessing look as he handed me the mug.I could tell he was wondering if I was up to this.

‘It’s OK,’ I said.‘And thank you.’

With the ghost of a smile, he turned and left us to it.

‘Right,’ Cordelia said once he’d closed the door.‘You look like death, and I think I understand why.’

‘Look,’ I said.‘I… I know this probably makes it look like I only ever cared about Reid’s sister–’

‘I did think that at first,’ she said, cutting me off.‘But luckily for you, you’ve told me a lot of things, and I realised there was probably more to it.I think you dealt with Tanya’s death– ordidn’tdeal with it– by cleaving to the idea that she was murdered.And it’s only now all that’s been taken away that you’re finally having to process it properly, and it’s shit.’

I took a breath, reeling from how much she’d hit the mark.But it turned out she wasn’t finished.

‘I also think,’ she bulldozed on, ‘that all of this is why you found it so hard to get over Reid.Who, let’s face it, was pretty crap to you.He messed you around once, then turned on you without warning when he was upset.After which he blocked you completely so you never had a chance to fix things.’She gave me a wry headshake.‘I would have binned the whole man, personally, and I don’t get the impression you’re someone who refuses to let go normally.I think how you felt about Reid was tied up with loss.And, you know, a break-up is a form of grief, too.So you’re having to grieve all of that as well.’

Goddamnit,that was painful to hear.I wasn’t ready for it, and I wanted to protest.I wanted to tell her that you and I were different.That what we’d had was special, and had been worth hanging on to.

But it suddenly hit me that I’d had these conversations with people from the other side.With college friends, and once with Imogen over a rich asshole.With some of the women I’d ended up alongside when I was undercover.

And for the very first time I found myself wondering if the anger I’d felt at you might be more justified than the hurt or the empathy.

Whether, actually, you’d just been… not that great.

I couldn’t think of anything to do except laugh.‘I… maybe.Maybe a lot of that.I… you’re good at this whole reading-people thing.’

Cordelia shrugged.‘It’s not too hard to imagine the first half.I just asked myself how I’d feel if I found out Holly had simply overdosed.And then I imagined how I’d feel if I’d been dating her brother and he’d treated me like that.’

I nodded, and then felt… awful.

I don’t know why, but the quiet logic of what she’d said made me feel a wave of desolation that was genuinely worse than what I’d been feeling before.Wasevery single thingI’d been hanging on to a mirage?

Instead of comforting thoughts, I found myself remembering one of those times you’d been rigid and unbending about something.It was that time I left my stupid recording device in the bathroom while I was pretending to be a political aide because it had a bare wire and started electrocuting me.I’m sure you remember.I’d had to quickly take it off and hide it, and then the people I’d spent three days trying to get the dirt on had a whole incriminating conversationright next to it.

I remember telling you about it in absolute wonder, andthe way, instead of marvelling and giving a single moment of thought to how it could still be used, you immediately said, ‘You need to delete it.’

I was crushed at the time, however much I knew you were, technically, right.It’s illegal to record someone by bugging them, and however much I’d never meant to do it, I should have beenwiththe device at all times.I’d come round to thinking that you were a man of morals, and I’d kind of respected you for it.

But after what Cordelia had said I found myself remembering other parts of what you’d said: how you’d told me you’d report me if I even thought about using what I’d found out.How you’d been unbelievably fucking cold and acted like the law mattered more than everything, including me.

And you know what, Reid?I realised that it probablydidmatter more, and always would.And that makes you far from the hero I thought you were.It makes you someone who was always, one day, going to let me down.

I found myself having to try incredibly hard not to cry as all that hit me.Which would have been pretty humiliating to do a second time in front of Cordelia.

I took a very unsteady breath, made proper eye contact with her and asked, ‘What if thatisthe answer about Holly?I mean, I was completely wrong about Tanya for a year and a half.What if we’re both wrong about Holly, too?’

Cordelia shook her head, but slowly.‘I don’t think we are.And either way, you need to keep pushing until you actually know.Because not knowing will drive me genuinely insane.And you, too, I think.’

I nodded, feeling a tiny little rekindling of that burning need to get at the truth.

‘How the hell did you find Anthony, anyway?In two days.I mean, I tried formonths…’

Cordelia gave a sigh.‘This has to be between us, all right?My brother Luca… the reason he still gets invited to undergrad parties and the reason my motherthinkshe’s financially more successful than he actually is… he’s sort of a dealer.’

That surprised an actual laugh out of me, and somehow that made Cordelia smile, too.‘Seriously?’

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