Page 87 of Dead to Me

I saw the surprise and discomfort in his expression relax in the face of my warmth, though he made no move to explain why he hadn’t asked me along.Soon after that he was focused on James, and on cheering him up.

He did it sensitively but jokily.Whereas Ryan came in with banter so harsh about fainting in the shower that it made me actually wince.Though, weirdly, James seemed to find it funny as well, which made me think this was just how it worked between them.

They still default to being friends,I thought.Even when one of them tried to kill him.

Watching them, I realised with a sense of disappointment that Kit seemed to have made up fully with Ryan.Despite what he’d done to me.Despite their big stand-off at dinner.

I couldn’t get a handle on their friendship.It was like Kit was an indulgent parent and kept finding reasons to forgive him.

Even when he’s done terrible things to the woman you say you care about the most,I thought.

At one point Ryan looked up at me and caught me watching him.And for a split second, his broad grin fell away.He looked like a sad, angry, messed-up kid.And then he made an impatient gesture with his hand as if trying to wave all of that away, and looked down.Then he smiled again at something Kit was saying.

Esther spent most of the time with her arm threaded through mine, and I thought she seemed anxious, too.But I found it impossible to tell whether this was guilt, worry for her friend, or her inability to cope with an emotionally complex situation without the help of MDMA.She’d brought a couple of books and a box of macarons for James in a fairly practical style of offering help.

‘I’m so sad you’ll miss the ball tomorrow,’ she said to James at one point in a low voice.‘Do you want us to sell our tickets, too?’

‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ James protested with a crooked grin.‘I’ll totally be there.Just as long as Dad can sort a ticket for my brand-new bodyguard, it’s all fine.’

I thought, once again, how strange it was that they were all so keen to go.To the same event that had claimed the life of their friend.It wasn’t like there weren’t a dozen other May Balls they could have gone to.But Kit had told me there would be a minute’s silence in Holly’s memory, and maybe that was as much a reason to go as any.

We were all chased out not much later when James’s parents returned, pushing us over the visitor limit.

Once we were out in the hall, on our way to the exit, Ryan let out a long breath.

‘I’m no good at this stuff,’ he said, suddenly.‘I don’t know how… How am I supposed to know what to say?I was trying to be funny, and I kept thinking I should shut the fuck up, but it was… I couldn’t help it.And now I’m worried I might have pushed him to feel suicidal all over again.’

‘He wasn’t suicidal,’ Kit said, tersely.

‘Look,’ Ryan said, holding up a hand.‘I know I… He’s a friend, but… We all know that stuff about someone else poisoning him is bullshit, right?Like, how would anyone know his room was empty?’He caught Kit’s eye and clearly picked up on a dangerous look there, but he went on, ‘I mean, it’s really understandable.It’s almost a year since Holly.This time of year must remind him…’

We’d all come to a stop outside the treatment centre now, alongside the bike racks.But nobody was making any attempt to unlock anything.Kit and Ryan were facing each other, and Kit looked… coiled.On the verge of lashing out.

Ryan himself looked somewhere between scared and defiant.As though he knew he didn’t want this but couldn’t quite stop himself.

This is how he is, isn’t it?I thought.This is what makes him wreck things, and then drink.

‘Someone attacked him,’ Kit said, deliberately.‘And here you are, trying to play it all down.Why is that?’

Ryan looked genuinely horrified.‘What the fuck, Kit?’

I could see Kit’s jaw working, as if he were poised on the edge of saying more, or backing down and conciliating.And it occurred to me that if I pushed things just a little, the truth might fall out.

‘Maybe it was a friend who did it,’ I said, folding my arms over myself as if worried.‘Because he got all hung up on what happened to Holly, didn’t he?He was going around to everyone.Asking weird questions…’

Kit looked caught off guard.He turned to me with a frown.‘What do you mean?’

‘He told me about it,’ I said.‘He had big questions about how she died and he was going to ask you all.’

I saw Kit glance over at Esther, who gave me a shake of the head.‘He didn’t ask any of us anything, darling.’

Somehow the remaining anger seeped out of Kit all at once, and Ryan backed off a few steps.He reached into his pocket for his bike key and then started attacking the D-lock on his Scott.

‘Yeah, he must have changed his mind about asking,’ Kit said, watching him blankly.‘Didn’t come to anything.’

He came to put his arm round me after that, but it did nothing to dispel the sense of cold I felt.Because it was clear that they’d all joined ranks now, and had decided James was on the outside.

Though not just James.I was on the outside, too.

---