Page 9 of Dead to Me

‘They’re about to leave university,’ Gael had told me, with breezy pragmatism.‘They won’t care about making new friends at this point.But if you’re a possible girlfriend, they’ll care.’

And I know, I know, Reid.I know this is the stuff that’s most distasteful about my job.I hated that it had to work like that, too, but I felt beaten down by their logic.

So I listened as Cordelia told me my target should be Ryan Jaffett.

‘He used to be a full-on fukboi… umm… womaniser, you know,’ she said in a rare moment of what looked like embarrassment.‘But then during second year he seemed to just get tired of it all and he really sorted himself out.It’s very clear he really wants a proper girlfriend.Plus his type is posh but a bit alternative and, ideally, sporty.’She gave me a luminous grin.‘He’s going toloveyou.’

I found myself hoping fiercely that she was right as I walked into Downing College towards the party.I at least felt the part of Aria Lauder, in a very short and very casual-lookingbohemian dress Cordelia had picked out (‘Nobodydresses up for anything unless they have to.’) and with a strong application of the obligatory eyeliner and strings of little necklaces that the young women with money here wore.Cordelia and I had already discussed at length that I needed to cue rich as well as different, and I hoped I was getting it right.

Tonight wasn’t really the first test of my persona as I’d already engineered a few coffees and encounters in Jesus College, where I was supposedly a postgrad.But it still felt like the first real hurdle.All the bedding-in meant nothing if I couldn’t convince these four friends to let me close.

I felt my adrenaline rising a little as I made my way into the grounds of Downing College.It’s one of those places that is designed to intimidate.Big, neoclassical buildings around a huge grass lawn.It’s actually very reminiscent of Columbia, though on a smaller scale, which was unhelpful just then, given how much I’d struggled to fit in there.

But I reminded myself that I’d become a very different person to the Anna who walked onto campus at eighteen.I’ve taken people down by charming them and seeing through them.I’ve been in dangerous situations and brazened my way out of them.I wasn’t going to let a bunch of undergrads make me feel anxious.

Luca had sent directions to Kit and Esther’s building, and I followed them with as much performative certainty as I could manage.The music from their party became audible by the time I was a hundred yards away, and I could see a few people milling around on the grass at the back.That was the advantage of a ground-floor room, I figured: easy access to the grass outside through the windows.Though I suspected this wasn’t something the porters would endorse.College lawns were, I’d learned, sacred spaces, reserved for fellows and high-ranking college staff only.

The main door to the building was locked, so I had to wait until a couple exited to slip inside.After that, I followed the sound to an open doorway at the back.

The party turned out to be a mass of people crammed into the sitting room of Kit and Esther’s ‘set’.I’d never come across this term before Cordelia used it, but a set was simply two student rooms which were linked by a living area.And of course, this being the abode of two students from generational wealth, it was pretty big, beautifully decorated, and had candles scattered around in a genuine fire-hazard kind of a way.

I took a minute to hover in the doorway on arrival, semi-transfixed at the fashion choices going on.Cordelia had explained in detail that the last few years had really shifted female fashion towards dressing down, but it was fascinating to see in the flesh.It was almost all wide-leg trousers and chunky shoes, unbrushed hair and big, owlish glasses.A few of the young women or non-binary crew were sporting A Look, with frills and fishnets, but the only people who looked formal in any way were a few of the guys who were inexplicably still wearing chinos and shirts, as though the last fifty years hadn’t happened.

The other thing Cordelia had explained to me was how little the students actually partied these days: how historic drinking societies had folded since Covid lockdowns had broken with tradition; how few of them partied hard; and how many of them preferred to stay in and craft.

It was a good thing she’d warned me about the crafting thing, actually, because otherwise I might not have known how to deal with the sight of someone sitting on the arm of a chair, in the midst of a student party, crocheting something and barely making conversation.

What Cordelia had stressed, though, was that Kit, Esther,Ryan– and to some extent James–didparty.They were some of the few who had arrived at the university with a clear mission to enjoy themselves.And that meant a lot of other people ended up getting drawn towards them.Hedonism with a plan is always kind of magnetic, particularly if you were never the type of kid at school who went out and partied, which I’d guess was most of the others here.

It was already crazy hot and extremely crowded by the time I slid in through the door with an offering of Absolut Elyx vodka.It wasn’t a brand I’d even heard of, but Cordelia had handed me the bottle the day before, in the know even about this despite being a non-drinker herself.And isn’t that in itself fascinating, Reid?That she’s twenty-one andBritishand teetotal?And not even alone among her peers?

‘They don’t do Smirnoff,’ she’d said with one of her wry grins.‘Just don’t ask me how it tastes.’

Even standing in the doorway, I was wondering where I could go to get more air.I could see in glimpses that the large Georgian windows of the living room were wide open, which was how everyone had been getting out onto the grass.There were (I saw later) bare patches on the paintwork of the window frames where someone– Kit or Esther, presumably– had unscrewed the security locks.

I’d been hovering there for maybe a minute before the familiar face of Cordelia’s brother emerged through the throng.I only knew Luca from photographs, but he stood out pretty clearly.It wasn’t just that he was older, with very slightly receding hair at his temples; it was also the totally corporate air of the guy.He looked absolutely not like a student.

Luca caught sight of me and slid through the crowd with his glasses flashing and a beaming grin, doing what I had to admit was a great job of looking like he knew me.

‘Hey, Aria.So glad you came,’ he said, as though we’d known each other for years.Such corporate bullshit, and so useful just then.

He took me by the arm, and dragged me into a conversation with an incredibly monomaniacal law student who must have been only eighteen, and then, shortly afterwards, smoothly caught the elbow of Esther Thomas as she squeezed past.

I could feel my heartbeat pick up at the sight of her.It was a little bit about anxiety, but also excitement.I was bored with prepping and wanted to meet the guys I’d been poring over at last.

‘You look bloody fabulous, as always,’ Luca said, leaning in to kiss her.

‘Thanks, Luca,’ Esther said without any real warmth.

I got the impression from their interactions, actually, that Luca had a bit of a soft spot for Esther.But for whatever reason, Luca wasn’t what Esther wanted.Which was interesting, given Cordelia’s comments about her being pushed to marry for money and status.Didn’t Luca have both?

Esther’s glance fell on me after that, and Luca asked if we knew each other.

‘Don’t think so,’ Esther said, just loudly enough to be heard over the music.

‘Aria Lauder?She’s an English postgrad at Jesus.Also an amazing rower, but don’t let her hear you say it or she’ll be insufferable,’ Luca said easily.

Esther gave me a searching, considering look and then smiled very slightly.When she did, it was hard to look away.I found her immediately compelling, in the same way that an exquisite statue is compelling.My eyes kept wanting to go over and over her features, and over the short, impeccably styled hair.She was undeniably beautiful, but I was also instinctively looking for the real person under there.She wasso poised, so polished, that it was almost impossible to read more.It was like any analysis kept glancing off.

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