Page 90 of Dead to Me

‘I have been taking care, Dad,’ I said, not sure who I was convincing.‘I told him to be super careful.You know what Holly said to Kit?The stuff I told you?Well, that was what tipped James into getting involved, and I didn’t– I didn’t think that it would.’

‘Well, it was bound to, wasn’t it?’Dad said, his irritation stepping up.He paced over to the cupboard and pulled out a couple of champagne flutes, and then went to the wine fridge.Despite the stress of the situation, I couldn’t help admiring the fact that he was still offering me champagne.‘How else was James going to react when you told him his girlfriend might have been murdered by one of his friends?’He gave me an anguished look while he grabbed a bottle of Taittinger off the shelf and started pulling the foil off.‘It was awful, Anna.I had to sympathise and pretend to know nothing, while I felt as though I’d been complicit in hurting my friend’s son.And all because I’d helped you do this for your own reasons.’

It felt like a slap across the face.Like he was standing in front of me and telling me that these old friends of his werehispeople and I was just the grubby little interloper who couldn’t be trusted.

‘My own reasons?’I asked him.‘Holly isdead,Dad!She deserves to still be alive!That’s my reason!’

‘But James deserves to live, too,’ he said, his voice full of emotion and the bottle of champagne only a mildly ridiculous addition as he held his hands out in appeal.‘And I became a part of risking his life.’

‘You said you were happy to help,’ I told him, trying to remind him how much of this had been his idea while he battled with the cork.‘I didn’t think there were limits on that.Do you want me to…?’

‘I’ve got this!’he snapped back.‘I’ve got this.’He managed to actually get the cork out, which at least meant I was safe from it being fired into my face.‘And of course there were limits!There were always going to be limits.If you’d… I don’t know, threatened someone with violence, you wouldn’t expect my unwavering support, would you?’

‘Honestly?’I asked.‘Logical, but not exactly a fair comparison.I’m trying to bring a killer to justice, not threaten anyone, and James Sedgewick was almost a victim of whoever they were because they arestill dangerous.’

‘Because you got him involved,’ Dad said heatedly, handing me a full glass of fizz.‘And although I understand Philip’s willingness to believe otherwise, it seems very unclear whether James didn’t… well, do it to himself.’

‘Oh, come on, Dad,’ I said, loudly, and then– because it’s my rule not to waste good alcohol– had a mouthful of champagne.That stuff is so good, honestly, I wish I had the money to drink it every day.‘Holly was murdered, and someone tried to kill James for asking too much.It’s pretty straightforward.And do you think his family really, truly, if they were asked, would want him hanging around with a killer?’

‘But youdidn’t ask,’ he said, stiffly.He picked up his glass, and drank the bubbles like they were water.It only made me feel more like an outsider.‘And Philip doesn’t believe that any of James’s friends is capable of it.He’s known them since they were knee-high.’

I laughed at that.‘Do you have any idea how many people have been protected by that feeling?By the “but my child couldn’t have” defence?Nobody ever thinks the people they know are capable of violence, until they’re confronted with it.’I tried to step back.To appeal to his sense of logic.‘Look.Those three are the only ones who fit.When I started talking to them, someone tried to warn me off, for starters.Weknowthat whoever killed Holly reacts badly to feeling threatened.We know it was her friends she was considering confronting.I think those three are the only people on this earth she’d have hesitated over naming, too.She’d have given them a chance to hand themselves over to the police or explain themselves.She would have cared about them and, to be honest, not wanted to rock the boat and destroy the life she’d managed to win for herself.Plus, for what it’s worth, they all have issues a mile wide.’

‘But there were better ways, Anna,’ he said, almost slamminghis glass down onto the counter.‘You didn’t need to push until James was in danger.And to find out from Philip that you’ve been having a– a relationship with Kit Frankland,’ he said with something in his voice I’d struggle to describe as anything other than disgust.‘For a grown woman to take advantage of a student like that, all to try to wheedle out a story.It’s– I’m going to be the one left mortified by all this, Anna.I’m going to be the one trying to explain that I had no idea about any of it.’

And there it was.Full proof that he thought as badly of me as you do, Reid.

I think it might have been all right if he hadn’t hit exactly– exactly– the same anxieties that you did when you left.Though maybe it would have been less awful if he hadn’t also hit all the points about this that were making me feel confused and uncomfortable and like I wasn’t sure if I should just walk away.

I didn’t have anything to say to him in response.I felt so hurt and anxious.Even though all I was trying to do wasthe right thing.

So with a pang of regret about more than just the wasted fizz, I placed the glass carefully down, turned round and walked out of his beautiful granite and grey-paint kitchen.As I headed back into the sunny morning I heard him calling, ‘Look, Anna,’ after me, but I didn’t go back.There was no way I could bear to let him see me cry.I just grabbed the bike I hadn’t locked up anyway and cycled away as quickly as I could.

I understood, at that point, that I was going to have to do this on my own.That even dragging Cordelia into it any further while I no longer had newspaper backing wasn’t fair.

And as I cycled back through sun and then clouds, I realised that all of it came down to doing the right thing and ignoring anyone who thought I was in the wrong.

Dad’s tried to call me twice since.He accompanied these calls with a text message apologising for losing his cool and asking if I was going to be all right for money in the short term.

I have no idea how he guessed money might be an issue, but I was obviously not going to tell him what I needed.Or, in fact, reply to him at all.I’d decided I would just have to use the last of my overdraft on the hair and sell some things on eBay to make it to the end of the month.The dress might make something second-hand, at least, if I could avoid wrecking it.

In spite of my non-responsiveness, midway through the make-up session at Ricci Rizzo (a salon brilliantly only a five-minute walk from my house) my phone chimed with a notification that £500 had been credited to my bank account.Another message came shortly afterwards.

Look I’ve sent something in case you need it.I know you don’t usually want my money, but it might be useful for the job this week.X

I have to admit that I ruined a perfectly good application of eyeliner by crying it off at that point.I don’t know if it was the relief or the shame of it, or the fact that nobody has ever in living memory sent me that much money without it being my salary.

But at the same time, there was nothing in any of Dad’s messages that said he’d been in the wrong or that I wasn’t a terrible person.I just didn’t feel as if we were on the same team.Not any more.

So I kept quiet and let the wonderful make-up artist redo my eyeliner.I had my Aria Lauder mask back on a short while later, and it was a good thing I did, because James Sedgewick walked along Hobson Street, right past the window where I was sitting.I saw him catch my eye, do a double-take and then give me a grin.

He mouthed something and gave a wave to someone behind him, and then opened the door to come inside the salon.

‘Wow, look at you,’ he said, coming to stand behind me.He looked pale, but whole, and if I hadn’t known to look for it, I might have missed the desolate look behind his smile.

My amazing make-up artist Alia (whose name was ALMOST the twin of my fake one.Weird, hey?Or maybe not.Maybe just a meaningless thing.) had gone to make me a cup of coffee so it was just the two of us in front of the mirror.

‘Aren’t you supposed to be resting up?’I asked.

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