Page 95 of Dead to Me

It felt like a long time before she said, ‘I guess I understand.It’s… sometimes there are people who get under your skin.’

Seaton found himself skewered by the reality of that, and wanting to tell her that it was true of family, too.Not just ofPhilip Sedgewick.But in the end, he said, ‘Yes, I suppose so.’Then he cleared his throat and added, ‘You know, I really don’t think– at all– that you’re doing this for yourself.I think it’s admirable, trying to find out the truth about Holly.It’s the right thing to do.’

Anna nodded at him and took a small breath.‘Thanks, Dad.And for the dress and the hair and the make-up.’She pulled a face.‘I was about to have a breakdown about affording everything, and you saved me.’

Seaton felt that same sensation he’d felt when this had all started: the unique, aching joy of being able to do something for his daughter.‘I… I know you don’t like to accept things from me, after I wasn’t there for you…’

Anna blinked.‘I… what made you think that?’

There was a long moment in which they stared at each other, and then Seaton said, ‘After… your mother told me you didn’t want my help.She said it was a pride thing.I…’

Anna turned away from him.‘I have honestly no idea where she got that,’ she said with a choked laugh.‘Maybe she said we shouldn’t take things from you and I agreed with her because I’m a people-pleasing idiot, but… I will tell you now I have zero pride when it comes to you feeling like you want to help out.’

It felt as though he’d been struck.Or as though he’d discovered that the sky was the floor and the floor the sky.

He could have done so much… for all this time.

‘I always wanted to help,’ he said.It was all he could find to say.

‘That’s good,’ Anna replied.

Seaton felt keenly aware that they could have hugged.That any other father and daughter would have done and that it was probably the healthy thing to do.

Also, that the idea of actually doing it made him want to run right out of the door.

The two of them managed to nod it out, instead, and Seaton realised he could cover the awkwardness by pulling out the Roederer.

‘I thought… we might as well have a glass.To toast everything you’re doing, and have done.’

Anna grinned at him and ran for the cupboard with what looked like relief.‘I guess it’ll be good for the nerves,’ she called over her shoulder.

‘Is there… anything I could help with in practical terms?’he asked as he removed the foil with care.‘Over the next few days?’

Anna paused on her way back to the table with the glasses.‘Well, there’s one thing youcoulddo, if you don’t mind a little breaking and entering…’

They spent twenty minutes planning a heist on Ryan Jaffett’s room, fuelled by pre-dinner champagne.

By the time Seaton left it was with a feeling of buzzing warmth that was only in part down to the champagne.By far the greatest part of it was feeling that he and Anna were finally going to be a proper father and daughter to each other.

38.Seaton

Wednesday, 25 June– two days after the ball

The relatives’ room was deathly quiet.Seaton had been here for an hour and a half now, waiting uselessly for something to happen.For something to do.

Right up until eleven thirty, he’d paced fractiously around, trying to think of some way he might make himself useful and wanting to rail against the lack of communication from any of the officers here since his initial interview.

But then, having checked his phone for the hundredth time or more, he suddenly realised what the time meant.That more than thirty-six hours had now passed.More than thirty-six hours since anyone had seen Anna alive.

And something in him untethered itself.

They aren’t going to find her,he thought.

He felt as though his legs had lost solidity.He grabbed for one of the chairs and sat in it, but it felt like sitting on the deck of a boat.The whole room seemed to be heaving and rolling.

Why didn’t you love her like you should have done?

Nineteen wasted years.More than that, really.Anna’s whole lifetime wasted, barely knowing her, when he might have been a real father to her.And that tantalising hope that he might finally have her in his life… it had been all there was.All there would be.

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