Page 9 of With Love, Alex

“Bad sex with Matt Ryan?” He half asked, half stated with a laugh still in his voice.

“From what I remember and that’s probably a good thing,” I answered with an irritated sigh. “It was jackrabbit sex.” I scrunched up my nose from the thought of it. “That’s not the way to impress a girl. Although he wasn’t half bad with his mouth.”

“TMI! TMI!” Ryan cried out, covering his ears with his hands. “I do not need to know that much about your sex life. Feel free to never tell me anything else about it ever again.”

“Are you shitting me? After all the times, I’ve heard about your one-night stands, I can’t tell you about my horrible sex experience. I barely told you anything, and you’re freaking out. Do you know how long it’s been since I had sex?”

“I thought you were a virgin,” he answered back with a small smile.

“Wow,” I laughed. “You really don’t want to hear about it. So, I guess you’re pretending Mason came from immaculate conception and nothing ever happened between us. If you’re going to be like that, then I don’t want to hear about you and any more of your women.”

“I’m sorry I’m being a hypocrite, but it’s weird hearing about you with another man. Not that I want you with me. Don’t misunderstand me. I guess I never thought about it until now how it might make you feel to hear about me with other women. If you want me to stop, then I will.”

“Honestly, it’s never bothered me. I mean I don’t want so many details that it makes me feel as if I was right there. If I ever have sex again, I know not to tell you about it.” I wanted to laugh, but I could tell that he was serious.

“It’s weird. It’s kind of like you’re my sister.”

“Oh my, please stop talking. You didn’t feel that way when we were together did you?” On the inside, I was cringing. I couldn’t stop thinking he felt like what we had together when we were teenagers was incest. I was horrified by the thought.

“God, no,” he cried, eyes wide. “I’m sorry I said anything,” Ryan cringed. “I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just weird let’s leave it at that.”

“Forgotten. Now that that part’s out of the way, I want to talk to you about something else.”

“Please,” Ryan begged.

“I was talking to Taylor about last night before I called you. The thing is I felt like Dawn was encouraging me to drink and spend time with Matt last night. She knew that I hadn’t been out in forever. If I was in her position I would’ve been looking out for her, not pushing her into doing something that she might regret in the morning. Plus, she’s known me for a long time, and she knows that I wouldneverhave sex with a guy I’d just met. I’m not saying one-night stands or the people that have them are bad, they’re just not for me. I’m not equipped that way. For me, I need to have feelings for the guy.” I looked over at Ryan to see him with a sympathetic and knowing smile on his face.

“I know you do and there’s nothing wrong with that. I also know that you don’t judge like that. Don’t worry. Where are you going with this, anyway? Are you mad at her for not looking out for you?”

“Kind of. I mean I know I would’ve been looking out for her and I know that you wouldn’t have let me get so drunk that I’d do something I’d regret. You know that we’ve never been as close as we were in high school before she found out about us-” I looked away. “What if she’s not over that? Before I met you, she was kind of obsessed with you, and then one day she stopped talking about you and didn’t want to hang out with you anymore.” Looking back over at him, I frowned. “It was pretty weird. I know you two don’t speak anymore and only see each other every once in a while, at my house. Do you have any insight?”

Clearing his throat, Ryan looked uncomfortable as he eyed me from his side of the couch. “Do you remember when you and Dawn spent the night at my house? She was in my room, and you and Ollie were out on the pullout couch?”

Yes, I remembered that night, and I didn’t like where this was going. Instead of answering, I could only nod my head as I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs. We’d all been drinking that night and were pretty smashed. I’d spent the night fighting off the unwanted advances of his friend.

“Okay, so that night Dawn and I had sex. Afterward she started saying how we were boyfriend and girlfriend and pretty much started planning out the rest of our lives together. This is going to make me sound like an asshole, but I told her I didn’t want that and that I liked someone else. But I never told her who I wanted,” he said quickly.

Resting my head on my knees, I looked away from Ryan before he could see the tears that were about to start down my cheeks. This explained a lot with how Dawn acted after that night and after she found out about Ryan and me. That wasn’t why I was upset though. It was because I felt like I had been living a lie for the last fourteen years. I thought they were my friends, and they’d both kept this from me. Would I ever be able to trust or forgive either of them again? I already knew after last night, Dawn was out of the picture especially with this new insight. The real question was Ryan?

“I need to go. I’ll… talk to you later,” I stood up and slipped on my flip-flops.

“Wait,” Ryan called out in shock as I made my way to the door. “Are you upset? Please, turn around and let me look at you.”

Turning around quickly, I hastily wiped away the tears that had fallen and were making their way rapidly down my cheeks. “Am I upset? Are you kidding me? Yeah, I’m fucking upset! I just found out that two of my friends have been lying to me since we were in high school and one of those is my best friend. I won’t even get into the fact that I thought I was your first. Did you think you were my first?” I questioned, my voice high and piercing.

“I know I was your first,” Ryan answered quietly.

“Really? Because up until today, I knew that I was your first!”

“I never told you that you were my first,” he tried to explain.

“No, you were a fucking fifteen-year-old boy. I didn’t think you had sex with my then best friend only a couple of months before me. Tell me, how many people were before me?”

My idea of Ryan and I had been a lie. It felt like everything else was a lie too. I didn’t know how to feel about that except betrayed.

“Alex, I’m sorry. I don’t know how many. It was so long ago. A few at least,” he licked his lips, his eyes darted away.

“A few? Wow. I can say that I’ve had sex with a few people and I’m thirty-fucking-years-old. You were already ahead of my game at fifteen. I’m going to leave before I blow a gasket and say something that I’ll regret.”

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