Page 13 of Unsteady in Love

“I’ll be okay,” she croaked out and then cleared her throat.

At least she admitted she wasn’t fine.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked even though I knew she wouldn’t tell me. At least, not yet. I knew I had a lot of work to do before she’d open up to me and trust me again.

“I should…” She paused, lifting her head to look at her house. Tears filled her eyes. “I don’t even know what to do anymore. Who am I? I’m so used to working and taking care of my dad and now I don’t do either of those things. What do I do?” she shakily questioned.

“You can do whatever you want to do. Find yourself. Find what makes youyounow. Look for a new house and then decorate it. Travel. Be happy.”

“I don’t know, Holden. It doesn’t feel right spending your money.” She glanced my way, her face still sad.

“What’s mine is yours. We’re married now. Trust me, you don’t need to worry about it. There’s no way for you to possibly ever spend all the money I just inherited.”

A sudden look of shock passed across her beautiful face. “I had no idea that your grandfather was that rich. I can’t believe you walked away from all that money before.”

“It was easy to do when they threatened your schooling,” I responded truthfully.

“I had no idea,” she whispered, her eyes large with astonishment.

“I only ask for one thing,” I amended, unable to look at her. I was afraid of what I’d see when I asked.

“Of course, you do.” I could hear the eye roll in her tone which made me crack a smile.

“I want…it gets lonely overseas. Since I’ve been estranged from my family, I have no one but the guys in my squad. I only ask that I can write you and get to know you again. Become friends. And that maybe you’ll write me back.”

“That’s not what I was expecting,” she whispered, brows pulled together. “I…you can write to me. I’m so confused by everything that’s happened this week. From my dad dying to you showing up unexpectedly, and now we’re married.” She shook her head, looking out the window. “It’s unbelievable, and I think I must still be in shock. I’m still mad at you, Holden. So, so angry. You have no idea.” Fresh tears shimmered in her eyes. “I needed you and you were gone.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and held myself back from reaching out to her. “I wish I had been there for you, but I’m here for you now if you’ll let me. You only have to let me in.”

“I already did that once and look how that turned out. I’m not sure I can do it again.”

7

PRUE

Why wasI so sad Holden was gone?I should have been used to him being out of my life.Why had I let him into my heart even the tiniest amount? Why hadn’t I pushed him away when I had the chance?

I spent my wedding night alone, crying in bed, and the worst part about it was the hopelessness in Holden’s eyes when I got out of his car and walked away. I felt like a huge bitch hurting Holden even if I was only stating the truth. I couldn’t promise him that I’d let him in. Not after all the pain he’d put me through.

Maybe I should have asked him to come in and fixed us dinner so we could hash out what it meant to be married now. But I didn’t want to have to talk to him. Every time I was around him, my emotions were all over the place. I felt like I was on a rollercoaster the entire time he was in any proximity to me. One minute, I was sad. The next angry. I wasn't going to lie; there were times when he made me forget about our past and my dad, which only ignited the rollercoaster once everything came crashing back down.

It had been a little over a month since we’d gotten married and Holden had left. He’d said goodbye from inside the car and then drove away. The look that was in his eyes haunted me every night in my dreams. I wasn’t sure what it meant, but it felt like he thought he’d never see me again. I hadn’t heard a word from him until today when I received a letter in the mail. I hadn’t read it yet because I was a coward. Afraid of what it might say and what it might not. It taunted me with his tiny script spelling out my name on the envelope, reminding me of all the notes he’d written me in high school.

With shaking hands, I slowly opened his letter.

Dear Prue,

It’s been one week since I left you, although from what I hear from the guys here, you probably won’t get my letter for close to a month if not longer. I hope that one day you’ll give me your email address, and we can write that way, or I can write you, and then it won’t take so long to get to you. I hate knowing if you write to me it might take me a month to read what you have to say.

As I said before, I left, I’m hoping to get to know you again and praying that one day you’ll forgive me for leaving and not speaking to you. I hope you know that I only left because I loved you more than anything and couldn’t let my parents ruin your future. Your dreams. When I went back to talk to you and you were gone, I knew I had royally fucked up. I checked to see if you were around the campus of Loyola but turned up nothing. I had no idea where to look for you. Then it took even more time for me to save up enough money to hire a private investigator and for him to find you.

I wish you knew how terribly sorry I am for leaving you and not being there for you when you needed me most. That I wasn’t there for you when you found out your dad was sick or to help take care of you while you took care of him. I would give anything to turn back time and fix us.

I hate that you felt you needed to move to get away from all the memories of us. If you’re like me, I’m not sure you succeeded because there’s not a day that’s gone by that I haven’t thought of you. You’re in my thoughts constantly. I’m always wondering what you’re doing or if you’re okay. Even more so now after seeing you. But I understand how hard it would be to turn a corner or walk into a store and remember. We were so good together, and I ruined us.

By now you should have the money to pay off all your bills, and I hope you’ve done so. You don’t need that stress on top of losing your father. I hope each day losing him becomes a little bit easier. Except losing you, I’ve never lost anyone close to me, so I can’t speak from experience, but at least I knew you were alive. As you know, I had only met my grandfather once, and then he passed away.

I know you didn’t agree to write me, but on the off chance that you will or someday will, here’s some questions to help me get to know you better if you choose to answer.

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