Page 43 of Unsteady in Love

Holden smiled sadly at me, making me want to cry. “I’m not doing this to hurt you, but I know that if you stay, I’ll more than likely lash out at you. I don’t want you to see me like that.”

“But Holden,” I cried, wrapping my arms around his waist. Holden rubbed up and down my back while my tears soaked his t-shirt.

“I’m not pushing you away,” he murmured.

My head shot up, and I glared at him.

“Okay, I am pushing you away, but not in the same way. I promise to talk to you. We can talk on the phone and Skype or FaceTime, whatever you want, but I don’t want you here to see me struggling. When I’m done, then I’ll come home.”

“To Fairlane?” I asked hopefully. After him asking me to leave, I wasn’t sure what he counted as home.

Cupping my cheek, his lips tipped up. “Unless you don’t want me any longer.”

I pushed him down and hovered over him. “You’re the one who’s getting rid of me. Again, I might add. How do I know that once I’m gone, you won’t change your mind?”

“You’ll just have to trust me.” He closed his eyes as his face clouded in pain.

“If you love me, don’t let me go. Hold onto me. Don’t shut me out. Please, Holden,” I begged.

When he opened his eyes, they were shrouded in sadness. “That’s not what I’m doing, Prue. In the end, I’m trying to save us. I need you to do this for me. Let me have my pride.”

If I didn’t do what he needed, I knew it would blow up in my face. Even though I didn’t want to leave him, I knew I had to. Men and their pride. But what about my heart?

“Fuck you and your pride,” I murmured into his chest as he held me tighter. After a long minute, he pulled me up to look at him. I wanted to cry at the resolve I saw on his fac.

“I know it won’t be easy, but it’s for the best.” When he saw the look on my face, he amended his statement. “In the long run. I promise. We’ll talk every day.”

“And what, you’ll just show up in Fairlane someday?”

Leaning down, Holden ran his nose along mine and kissed my forehead. “I know it’s not what you want, but we’ll talk so it won’t be a surprise. If you want, you can come back right before I come home.”

“I wish we could have one night alone at the house before I have to leave. Not stolen moments between nurses coming in and out of your room. I want to touch you.”

I traced the pattern of his tattooed arm as I tried to come to terms with Holden wanting me to leave. I wasn’t ready to leave and be without him, but I knew that was going to be my reality.

“Even if I could leave, it’s probably not a good idea.”

“Why won’t you let me touch you? I don’t understand. You touch me. Take care of me, and yet I can’t do the same for you. I thought you wanted me.” I said the last on a quiet murmur.

“Fuck, Prue,” he growled. “I want you more than anything. I’ve fantasized about you for months. Hell, years! What I’d do to you once I got you in my arms.”

I’m here now.

“Then touch me. Do what you want to me.”

Tears formed in his eyes before he closed the windows to his soul, locking me out, once again. “I can’t.”

Before I could control myself, sobs racked my body. Holden held me to his chest as I cried for the life I could have had if Holden hadn’t left after high school, and I cried for him losing his leg. I cried for him pushing me away once again.

“Prue, don’t cry. I hate myself for doing this to you.”

Sitting up, I sucked in a deep breath as I wiped my wet cheeks, not once looking at the man before me. Getting off the bed, I gathered my purse and slipped on my flip flops.

“Do you need anything before I go?” I asked as I dug in my purse for the keys to my rental.

“Yes, I need for you to look at me,” he stated remorsefully.

I knew if I didn’t, I’d hate myself for leaving in a huff, but I was beyond hurt. I didn’t want him to see how badly he’d hurt me, although he knew. What were a few tear streaks when I’d been crying on him only moments before? Turning to him, I steeled myself. Who knew how long it would be before I saw him again? I needed to take in his rugged face. Memorize him.

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