Page 47 of Away Game

“Hey, look at me, Fin.” When I refused, West grabbed my face and forced me to face him. His green eyes softened as he took me in. “Normally, I wouldn’t, but it’s kind of a big deal that you let me touch you like that. It shows a lot of trust and…”

“Don’t read too much into it, or I’m going to kick you out of my bed,” I growled.

The more he questioned me, the more my mind started to race, wondering what I’d let myself do. Now that I’d felt West’s touch, could I go back to the way things were?

“I’m not declaring my undying love for you. I only wanted to make sure you’re comfortable with where the night led. If I’d known—”

“You’d what?” I interrupted, gritting my teeth. “You would have treated me like a virgin princess.”

“I don’t know. If I had any idea tonight would have turned out like it did, I would have talked to you.”

Jumping off my bed, I glared down at him. “Oh, for fuck’s sake, West. I’m not some innocent little girl.”

Sitting up, West leaned forward, put his elbows on his knees, and looked up at me. “You kind of are. Do you want to continue doing what we did tonight?”

“Not if it’s going to end like this,” I threw out, my eyes hard.

West looked to the side for a moment, his jaw ticking. “Stop acting like a child.” His eyes shot back to me as he asked. “Is this you pushing me away in a new way?”

“Why are you ruining what was a…” I took a breath and tried to calm myself down. I needed to try and talk to West, even if I didn’t want to. “Look, you know this isn’t easy for me.”

His green eyes looked sad as he asked. “What isn’t easy?”

“The way my body reacts to you. I hate myself for feeling this way toward you. Do you know how much easier my life would be if I felt this pull toward any girl instead of you?”

Fuck, I’d given too much away. I might as well have told him everything with those few but meaningful words that fell from my lips.

“Do I think your life would be easier if you were a heterosexual man? Yes, but it doesn’t have to be difficult being gay. If there was ever a time to be gay and accepted, it would be now.”

I hung my head and admitted. “I don’t want to be gay.”

“Well, that’s too bad. You have about as much of a choice in it as I do with being half black. You have no idea what it’s like to not be accepted by the people of your race because of the color of your skin. Neither side wants to lay claim to me.” He swallowed harshly but held his head high.

No, I didn’t, and I never would. I hated myself a little more in that moment. If West let it, the world could bring him down, but he was proud of who he was, and here I was a privileged white boy who couldn’t accept the way he felt about the beautiful person who sat beside him.

“But what are we going to do about it? We can’t help what life has dealt us, but we can choose how we let it affect the rest of our lives.” West squeezed his eyes closed tight as his lips tipped down. I hated to see him like that, but I didn’t know what to do at that moment. I was too conflicted. “You need to figure out what you want and what you can live with.” West stood up and moved until there were only a few inches between us. Was it crazy that I wanted to pull him to me and for him to make everything better? “Do you want to be unhappy for the rest of your life because you’re hiding a huge part of yourself?”

I could only shake my head. There was no way I could voice my answer. I’d been silent for too long.

“Maybe you should talk to Coach Kyle about how you’re conflicted,” he suggested.

Jerking my head up, I wrinkled my brow in confusion. “While Coach is okay and all, I don’t think he’d appreciate me coming and telling him about how…” I was afraid to show who I really was to the world. I couldn’t even say it out loud, let alone to Coach or anyone else.

“You’d be surprised,” he said gently.

“Did you out me?” I asked, steam about ready to spill from my nostrils and ears.

“I’d never do that, and you know it. Trust me when I say to talk to him. If you want, I can set it up. I’ll even give him a little bit of info if it makes it easier for you to speak to him.”

What the hell was going on? This whole night kept turning in circles like a merry-go-round, and I had no idea where it was going to stop.

Leaning forward slowly and giving me plenty of time to push him away, West gripped my biceps as his lips brushed over my cheek. “Trust me.”

That was the problem. I couldn’t trust anyone, not even myself.

20

Fin

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