Page 50 of The Bosun

“Maybe you need to talk to someone. A counselor.”

I knew he was right. I did need to talk to someone, but I wasn’t sure if I’d ever stop feeling guilty.

“You don’t hate me?”

“Remy,” he sobbed out. A short minute later, he spoke in a rough voice. “Boy, I could never hate you. Is that why you’ve stayed away? Why I haven’t heard from you?”

“I couldn’t face you.”

“Can you now?”

“I think so. I still have a couple of months to work, but once this season is over, I’m coming back if you’ll have me.” I was done running and hiding from my past.

“Of course, I’ll have you. Hell, I’ll throw you a ticker-tape parade.” There was a long pause before he said, “I wish you had called a long time ago. It would have eliminated the agony of the last two years.”

The pain I felt from losing Damon would always be there, but maybe if I had been around the people who loved him and went through the grieving process with them, it wouldn’t have felt so profound.

“I’ve missed you, boy. Thought about you every day and wondered where you were.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that to you.” I never wanted to cause my dad more pain.

“I know you didn’t, but it’s been hard not knowing where you were or how you were doing. After talking to you, I don’t think you were doing too good. I wish I’d been there to help you.”

“Me too, Dad. Me, too. My head’s been so lost in grief, I wasn’t thinking straight.” I closed my eyes and felt the tears run down my cheeks and into my ears. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Ones I’ll never be able to make up for.”

“You have nothing to make up for. I’m just happy you’re alive and safe. That’s all I could ask for. Never did I think you’d come back unscathed. Men never come back from war the same as when they left. All I want from you is for you to let go of your guilt and realize what I know.”

“What’s that?”

“That you did everything you possibly could to save Damon. I know you did. Just as I know, you’d do it for anyone around you. You’ve always had a heart of gold, wanting to help everyone around you, but the other side of that is you feel too much. Your heart feels so deeply. You have to know your own limitations because your life is just as important as everyone else.”

Hearing my dad say those words was hard to hear.

“You deserve to be happy, Son.”

He sniffed, and it broke my heart. How much suffering had he gone through because of me? I knew he worried about me when I was in the service, but I’d never thought about it once I was out. I’d been so selfish.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to apologize enough for what I’ve put you through. I’m sorry, Dad. I really am.”

“I know you are, Son. Don’t worry about your old man. I’m resilient, but I worry about you. If you haven’t dealt with what happened…”

I hadn’t, and up until today, I hadn’t realized how much it had festered inside of me. I was thankful we didn’t have a charter full of guests because I wasn’t sure I’d have been able to handle today and my duties.

“I’m going to. I promise, but for now, I’ve got to keep my head on straight otherwise, my crew and the passengers could get hurt.”

“That’s what I’m talking about. You’re caring for others before yourself.”

“If someone were to get hurt or worse on my watch, it would only make my guilt escalate. There’s no helping that.”

It probably sounded like a copout to my dad, but it wasn’t. I already had so much death weighing on my shoulders, I couldn’t handle more without tipping over the edge and drowning.

“I can accept that. So, you’re coming home in two months?”

The hope in his voice would have brought me to my knees if I’d been standing.

“I am, and it can’t come soon enough. I’m sorry about the time. I hadn’t realized the time when I called.”

“Remy...I want you to know if you ever need to talk to me, you can always call me. I’ll accept the charges day or night.”

---