Page 70 of The Bosun

Lying on my cot,I knew I should text Stella to let her know I was okay, but the truth was I wasn’t okay. I was fine from today, but my dream from last night kept haunting me. Also, I couldn’t get the way Stella looked at me when I told her I was leaving out of my head. She’d opened up to me earlier in the night and then I did what I said I wouldn’t do, I ran.

Blowing out a breath, I thought back to my call with my therapist. He knew what I’d been through, and I’d hoped he could shed some light on what was going on with me. I’d talked to my dad earlier, and he told me I needed to give Stella my past, but I didn’t want to fill her with my darkness.

Dr. Rivera said the same after I explained to him how I was feeling about Stella, but I couldn’t do that to her. He also suggested maybe I wasn’t ready for the situation I’d put myself in with volunteering in a life or death situation. We went over some of the exercises that had helped me in the past, and he said to call him day or night if I needed to talk.

I wasn’t ready to face the reality that doing the one job I wanted to do might set me back. I was no longer able to suppress what happened when Damon died.

Knowing I needed to open up to Stella about my past and worrying she might not want the damaged man inside kept me from calling her. I couldn’t be another man in her life that let her down. First, her father for not accepting the way she looked, and then Brock for using her to make his way through medical school only to cheat on her when she didn’t become pregnant with his child. What kind of man did that? And how could I be another man she let into her heart only to break it with the shattered pieces of me I hid from her?

I knew what I needed to do, but I had to wait until I was face to face with her. This wasn’t something I could say through a text or over the phone. Tomorrow, I would tell her. For now, I’d send her a message letting her know I was safe and I’d see her the next day.

Remy: It was a tough day but I’m at the station house and safe.

Remy: I’ll see you tomorrow.

Stella: Thank you for letting me know.

I can’t wait to see you.

Stella: Good night, Remy.

Remy: Good night.

* * *

Closing my eyes,I willed myself to come up with another alternative to deal with the pain that was trapped inside me. All night and day, all I could think about was how I’d thought I was better and not as damaged as I’d been since the moment Damon died. Even now, knowing it wasn’t my fault that he died. The pain of losing him and Tyler all came rushing back after my dream. The only time it went away was when I was working and out risking my life to save others.

Not wanting to be around others when I saw Stella, I took a taxi to Penelope’s condo. My leg bounced the entire way there with nerves about what I was getting ready to do.

The moment Stella opened the door, and she took me in, her eyes filled with tears. “Come in,” she said on a shaky breath as she moved to the side to let me in.

Following her to the couch where we reunited, I sat down and left a couple of feet separating us. I knew if I felt the heat of her body, I would cave and not do what needed to be done.

“You look like shit.”

I knew I did. I’d barely slept the night before, and it been a long and difficult day.

“I guess I look like I feel.”

“What’s going on with you?” She started to move closer but stopped when I held my hand up.

“Please, I need to say this, and I won’t be able to if I can feel your heat or smell your coconut scent.”

“Oh.” She curled up on her end of the couch with her arms wrapped around her knees. “What is it you want to tell me?”

“After the other night, I realized I’m not who I thought I was. There’s so much darkness and pain inside of me just waiting to get out, and I can’t let it infect you the way it has me.”

Her glassy eyes locked on mine. “What are you talking about? You’re not making any sense.”

“I thought we could be together. That we’d...but we can’t. I’m sorry, Stella, but I won’t be another person in your life who tries to ruin the beautiful soul I see shining back at me. I wish your light could cut through my darkness, but no, I’m too damaged.” I swallowed the emotion that formed in my throat. The devastation written on her face as she continued to look at me nearly had me changing my mind, but I knew I’d only ruin her, and I wouldn’t do that to her.

Standing, I moved until I was in front of her and cupped her face in my hands. “Forget about me and find a man who isn’t damaged beyond repair.” Leaning down, I closed my eyes and kissed her soft pouty lips one last time.

“Are you breaking up with me?” Her chin trembled a little more with each word she spoke.

Running my hand along her jaw, I soaked in the way she felt under my touch. “I’m setting you free from the darkness.”

She opened her mouth. Surely a protest on her tongue, but I hushed her with a finger.

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