Page 74 of The Bosun

“My life doesn’t feel right unless I’m helping people, and as much as working on boats helped me not think about my past, it wasn’t fulfilling. Anyway, one morning when I was alone, I was on Instagram checking to see if Stella had posted anything new and decided to see how Tyler, the guy who saved me, was doing. He posted as often as possible, and it helped keep me connected with the guys still over there. When I went to his account, I found out he’d died over there.” Picking up my beer, I slammed the whole thing and still wanted more. I signaled for the bartender to bring me another while I stared down at my empty beer bottle, running my fingertip around the edge of the lip. “The guilt of not being there for him the way he was for me was tough. I knew then my time on the boats was over after that season. I’d wanted to be a fireman before, but something was holding me back. After that day, I knew I couldn’t wait any longer. I needed to be out there helping people instead of hiding out in Spain.”

“Fuck, that’s tough, man. I had no idea.” His mouth turned down as he picked at the label on his bottle of beer. “So, what happened?”

“I had a nightmare while in bed with her and kind of freaked out. I knew I wasn’t as put together as I thought I was. Stella deserves so much more than me, so I broke it off before I ended up damaging her.”

“Don’t you think you should have given her the choice?” His face turned serious, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to like what he said or not. “I’m not saying I believe it, but maybe she’s the one to heal you.”

Eric was probably right. They all were. If I’d told Stella about my dream and what occurred while I was deployed, she probably would have understood why I needed some time to myself, but there was a constant nagging in the back of my head saying I might never be over the trauma of Damon’s death.

“What if I’m the one to fuck her up beyond all recognition?” I choked out, barely more than a whisper.

“Because that’s how you see yourself?” I gave him a one-shoulder shrug. “I didn’t know you before, but I do know you now, and you’re a great guy when you’re not moping around. You’re never going to be the man you were before you left. Everyone changes, but you changed even more so while you were gone. That’s okay. She didn’t know you then. She knows the Remy you are today, and I think she liked what she saw.”

“You make it sound so easy, but you didn’t see the hurt in her eyes when I left.”

“No, I didn’t, but if it has you so torn up about it, you should rectify the matter.”

He was right. I did want to fix the wrong I’d made, but the thought of what if it happened again kept me from reaching out to her.

“I need to give us more time.”

Eric shook his head in annoyance. “What for?” he asked as if I needed a brain transplant.

“Time for her wound to heal and time for me to make sure I don’t hurt her again.”

“Don’t wait too long. If you do, she’ll be healed and leave you in the dust when she finds another man.”

If Stella got over me and found someone else before I was whole, it would be my retribution for Damon and Tyler’s lives.

21

Stella

Turningmy face to the heated wind, I closed my eyes and tried to tamp down the urge to spew my breakfast all over the ground in front of everyone.

“Stella, are you okay?” Lexie called from behind me.

Holding up my hand for her to give me a minute, I tried to nod but instead shook my head.

“Hey, babe,” Ryder called out. “Let’s go inside and cool off. You’ve already got some great shots out here. You two can take a break and collect yourselves.”

“That’s a good idea. We can look over the shots I’ve already got and talk about what we want to do next. Does that sound okay to you, Stella?”

While I didn’t want to go inside, it was better than standing out here with the sun beating down on me. What I really wanted was to go back to my house, crawl into my cool bed, and stay there until the nausea that had plagued me for the last two days subsided.

“I’m coming.” I swallowed thickly around the saliva that had worked itself up into my throat and walked slowly to the open door.

Ryder was waiting for me with a cold bottle of water in his hand. “Here,” he handed it over. “You look like you could use this.”

“Thanks. I’m not feeling too great. I don’t know if it was some bad takeout the other day or what, but I can’t seem to move past it.”

“Why don’t you sit down? I’ll load these up to my laptop, and bring it to you once I’m done.” With her hand between my shoulder blades, Lexie all but pushed me over to the couch.

Leaning back onto the cool leather couch, I placed the water bottle to the nape of my neck to try and cool myself off quicker. I watched as Ryder went to the baby monitor to check on Delilah.

It wasn’t long before Lexie came back into the room with her computer in hand. She sat down beside me and then placed the back of her hand to my forehead. “You don’t feel hot. Do you think you’re getting sick?”

“I don’t know. I’ve felt off for at least a week, and then this nausea that won’t subside for the last two days. The only thing I’ve been able to keep down is crackers and ginger ale.”

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