Page 79 of The Bosun

“I’m nowhere near good enough for you, and I knew if I stayed, I’d be one of the men in your life who broke you.”

“And you don’t think you broke me when you ended things?” Her voice was wobbly as she spoke while her eyes were set on the ocean in front of us.

“It wasn’t my intention to break you but to save you from me. When I decided to volunteer, I thought I was better, but the night that I fell asleep and had that nightmare, I realized I still had so much more work to do.”

“Did you ever think if you explained it to me that I might have understood and given you time? That maybe I could have helped you or at least not cried nonstop for a week straight wondering what the hell I’d done that made you run away from me?”

Wrapping her arms around her legs, Stella rested her cheek on her arms and looked at me for the first time since we’d arrived. Her face was wet with tears. Knowing I’d been the one to cause her heartbreak made it difficult to breathe.

“What was your dream about?” She nibbled on her lower lip as she waited for me to answer.

It was now or never. I knew if I didn’t tell her now, I wouldn’t get another chance, and Stella would walk out of my life forever.

“You know I was in the military, but you don’t know why I left.” This time it was me who couldn’t look at her as I spoke. I didn’t want to see how she’d take the news. I hated the pity on everyone’s faces when they learned of what happened that day. “Growing up, I had a friend named Damon. We were like brothers. We did everything together, much to our parents’ dismay at times. If one of us got in trouble, so did the other. I’m not sure when I knew I wanted to be a Marine, but so did Damon. Or at least that’s what he always said. Sometimes I feel like I talked him into joining, or he knew he had to enlist since I wasn’t going to college. Anyway, we went through boot camp together, were in the same unit, and even deployed together. I thought Damon would be by my side until my dying breath.” Closing my eyes, I continued to feel her eyes bore into me as I spoke. “Instead, it was me by his side as he took his last breath. We were ambushed, and Damon being the heroic man he was, threw himself on top of me when a shower of bullets came down on us. He died saving me.”

I hadn’t realized I was crying until I felt Stella begin to wipe my tears away. When she was done, Stella rested her head on my shoulder and held me while not saying a word. Somehow, she knew exactly what I needed in that moment.

“I felt a tremendous amount of guilt for not saving him. When I left the military, I didn’t come home because I thought my dad would be ashamed of me, and I couldn’t face Damon’s family. Instead, I started working on boats. I’m sure you’re wondering where this is all going.”

Looking down at the sand, I continued. “After you left, I would go onto your Instagram and look at your pictures. One day I saw my friend Tyler had died while overseas. The guilt was unbearable, but it made me realize I needed to stop hiding from my past. Once the season was over, I came back here and started to see a therapist. I thought I’d made progress, but the dream that night made me realize I wasn’t as put together as I thought.”

“No one’s perfect, Remy,” she said quietly. Her arms around me tightened as she spoke. “We’ve all got baggage, but it’s how we deal with it that matters. I wish you would have told me all of this before. We could have talked, and if you needed space to work on yourself, I would have given it to you. It was the not knowing that killed me. I couldn’t understand why...I—” She broke off and turned away.

Unsure if she’d want me to touch her after she’d pulled away, I slowly put my arm around her middle. When she didn’t tense up, I took that as a good sign and pulled her back to my front. With her between my legs, I rested my chin on top of her head. “I’m sorry I hurt you, Stella. You have to know it was never my intention.”

Her body shook as I held it tightly to my chest. Again, I was causing her pain when I didn’t mean to. Would I ever be able to take away the hurt I’d inflicted on her?

We continued to sit like that, watching the waves crash and people roaming about until her body relaxed into mine. It was then I remembered she’d mentioned she’d come for two reasons. What the other could be, I couldn’t imagine.

Rubbing my hands up and down her arms, I kissed the side of her head. “Are you okay now?”

“For the time being.” She sniffed.

“You came for something else. What is it?”

Tensing up, she extricated herself from my hold and moved to sit in front of me. A sense of foreboding filled me. Was she sick and came to tell me goodbye?

“I told you about Brock and me. The troubles we had. How I was unable to get pregnant and him subsequently cheating on me and getting someone pregnant from his office.”

Was she back with that douchebag? Had I driven her back into the arms of the man who’d broken her?

“Yesterday, I was doing a photoshoot with Lexie, and I wasn’t feeling well. Actually, I’ve felt off for at least a week. When I’m writing, days kind of blend together, so it’s hard to tell. Anyway, Lexie started to ask me questions about my symptoms, and then it all clicked.”

What all clicked? Seriously, I was going to feel like such an asshole if she was sick, and I’d left her, providing more stress for her.

“You never said what your thoughts on having children were. Maybe that was because you don’t want them or because you didn’t want me to feel bad because it wasn’t possible with me, or because you’re young and it hasn’t crossed your mind. I don’t know.” She looked down at her painted toes that were wiggling in the sand before her gaze lifted to mine. “I didn’t think it was possible, but I’m pregnant. You deserve to know that I’m planning on keeping the baby. Your part in his or her life is up to you.” She put her hand into a pocket I hadn’t realized was on her dress and pulled out a sheet of paper. “This is a plane ticket to California. Use it or don’t, but I hope you do.”

My mind was still reeling from finding out she was pregnant. Stella was pregnant with my baby, and I was going to be a father.

“I know this is a lot to take in, so I’ll give you time. I’m staying at an Airbnb for the night and then leaving tomorrow. If you want to talk, I’ll text you the address.”

Every word she was saying registered, but I couldn’t speak. Hell, I could barely blink. The reason I hadn’t used a condom wasn’t because I thought she couldn’t get pregnant. Not once had that thought gone through my mind. The problem was nothing penetrated through the thick veil of lust of how much I wanted her that ran through my veins. All I had wanted was to sink into her tight pussy and feel it suck me into its depths.

She stood, her hand hovering over my shoulder as if she was afraid to touch me. “I’m going to go. The heat is starting to get to me, so I’m going to get an Uber.”

“Don’t go,” I called out hoarsely. “I...can I come back to your place so we can talk?” She bit on her lower lip as she nodded down at me. “Thanks, let’s get you out of this heat. If I’d known, I never would have brought you here.”

“It’s okay. I’m learning new things about myself every day lately. What makes my stomach roll, and what makes me want to lose my breakfast. The other day the smell of coffee had me nauseous for hours, and I couldn’t figure out why. I guess I won’t be visiting my local coffee shop anytime in the near future.”

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