Page 10 of Beneath the Scars

The laughter that rolls out of my chest surprises me. It's been so long since I heard the sound of it that I almost don't recognize it.

"I suppose that's one reason I should be thankful most of the hospital staff avoid me." Shrugging at the sympathetic look on her face, I explain. "It's not so much me they avoid as the basement as a whole. Usbasement dwellersare not part of the main population of Portland Medical."

Jayne pulls a face before pushing back from the counter to dig into her fridge. "That's just bullshit," she quips, with her back turned to me. "I don't see any reason why the staff working in the morgue should get looked down on."

While she has her back turned to me, I strangely find it easier to talk to her. "I don't think it's that they look down at us so much. It's probably more that they find the entiredeathbusiness creepy. I had one of the nursing aids tell me they couldn't understand how I stand working with bodies every day." I giggle at the reminder of the conversation with the young girl. "The way she said bodies and shuddered was so comical I snorted at her. She practically ran away from me after that."

Jayne turns around with lettuce in one hand and her wine in the other, a look on her face I can't quite decipher. Then she bursts out laughing, spitting out the wine in her mouth.

"Oh my gosh, Lillian. You have to be my new best friend.Please!"

Completely at a loss for what to say, I respond with my awkward smile, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear in one of my old nervous habits.

"I simply won't take no for an answer. Now, I thought I had more in my fridge to eat, but it seems our options are lettuce or a science experiment formerly known as a tub of yogurt."

Snickering at her sheepish grin, I pull out my phone. "Not to worry. As a Portland native, I have all the best takeout places on speed dial. What's your fancy?"

It takes us two glasses of wine each and way too much pizza before we finally make it to the 'makeover' portion of the evening Jayne actually invited me over for. We're both insanely comfortable on her large couches with our bare feet up and the leftovers of our dinner on the coffee table between us.

"Have you lived in Portland your entire life?" Jayne asks me, leaning forward to put her empty glass down.

"Oh! No." Shaking my head as I edge forward in my seat. "I got a scholarship to OHSU and moved out here for school. It was the only school that gave me a full ride, so it was kind of a no-brainer."

"Oh, and your family? They don't miss you?"

As always, mentioning Becky and my Dad shoots a pang through my chest. My natural reaction is to clam up and change the subject. If I'm being honest, clamming up is my go-to reaction for almost anything.

"Uh. No. My family is dead."

Wow. Way to go, Lily.I can feel Becky rolling her eyes at me.

"Sorry. That's blunt," I rush to add when I see the shocked look on Jayne's face. "I had a pretty small one to start with. My mom passed away, giving birth to me and my twin sister."

I'm clenching the stem of the wineglass in my fingers, staring at the dregs of wine at the bottom as if they might give me the courage to say what I need to say next. It's probably not what you bring up in what is essentially the first friend date, but it would feel weird not to discuss it, seeing as the topic is already up for discussion.

"Honey, you don't need to tell me this if you don't want to," Jayne says, reaching over to grab my hand. Her graceful fingers interlace with mine, giving me the push I need. I can'treallyhave a friend unless they know all my dark truths.

"It's okay," I whisper, unable to look at her. "You should know this if we're gonna be friends, right? Like it's part of who I am and is pretty much the reason I am the way I am."

Jayne remains quiet, and I don't know if it makes it easier or worse.

"My dad blamed us for my mom's death. From a very young age, he made that crystal clear. He wasn't pleased to be saddled with two sniveling little shits and had many ways of showing his displeasure."

Flashes of our past move across my vision as I relive the horrors that befell us. "It wasn't always outright physical abuse. Sometimes, he would refuse to buy groceries for the house or see that we had the school supplies we needed." Jayne's soft gasp reaches my ears, but I'm on a roll now and can't stop. "Becky and I made it work, though. We got good at surviving. Until we reached our teens." A lump forms in my throat, and its sudden appearance surprises me even more than my laughter earlier. I know I haven't dealt with the trauma completely, but I haven't cried over what happened to me and Becky since med school.

"One day, he came home, rip-roaring drunk. Not a surprising occurrence on its own. But this time, there was a mean glint in his eye. He spouted all sorts of shit about how he provided for us. Gave us a roof over our heads, clothes, and food in our bellies, and how it was time for us to pay up."

"Lillian, honey. You don't have to say anything else."

Then I notice Jayne is on her knees in front of me, her fierce eyes filled with a rage that nearly takes my breath away. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to lay all that on you. You don't need to know this." The words tumble from my mouth quickly, and they're all a jumbled mess, but Jayne doesn't react. Or not in the way I've been conditioned to expect.

She takes me in her arms and holds me tight.

"It doesn't matter, Lillian. All that matters is you're here now, and I've got you."

My chest heaves with a sob as she rubs my back, and I clutch at her arms. I guess I'm the weird friend who breaks down on the first friend date. Good to know.

Chapter Nine

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