Page 69 of Dominion

Three weeks of wondering what could’ve been if only he had stayed.

And three weeks of gathering my anger, weaving it into a ball of fury.

Breathing exhausted me. Existing felt like too much effort on my part, and I hated the haunted look in Ash’s eyes every time he came inside the room only to find me in the same spot he left me in. I knew he wanted me to get up. I knew he wanted me to do something, to change something, but I couldn’t.

I was holding onto the hope that everything was going to be okay for us. I was holding onto the belief that we would be able to defeat Judah and live our lives however the fuck we wanted to. Just the three of us. And when my hopes, my beliefs, turned out to be just futile dreams of a girl who wished for too much, my insides caved.

My heart slowed, pumping blood only because it had to, not because it wanted to.

I was an idiot for wanting something that was so out of reach, but I thought we had it all. I thought we had it figured out, that we had a plan, that we had a future.

I wasn’t being fair toward Ash because I wasn’t the only one who lost him. I wasn’t the only one who felt like this, but every time I tried talking and every time I wanted to tell him that I loved him, that I was sorry for being like this, that I would be okay once this all passes, my throat would clog, my tears would rush to the front, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t soothe his wounds when I didn’t even know how to fix myself.

I couldn’t fix anything. I never fucking could.

“Sky,” Ash murmured as he sat next to me on top of the bed, looking disheveled with an empty look in his eyes. I was putting him through hell and he didn’t need this—not now. I knew he was working with Casimir. I knew he was trying his best to fix things, but sometimes hearts couldn’t be fixed. Sometimes the choices we made marked us for life, and no matter how much I loved Dylan, no matter how much I cared for him, I couldn’t forgive this.

I could forgive many things. I could understand a lot more than I maybe should, but I couldn’t forgive him. Not for this, not for abandoning us, and especially not for going back to Judah.

We all knew what he did to us, even without going into all the details. I knew that he made his life a living hell, and Dylan knew what a fucking shitshow my life was after being in that house. If he loved me, if he loved us, he never would’ve done this. He would’ve stayed. He would’ve fought for us, for a better life. For happiness.

This was the coward’s way and he knew it.

Ash’s fingers slowly ran over my arm, creating goosebumps in their wake. “I miss you, Moonshine,” he murmured, his voice raspier than ever before. “I miss talking to you. I miss your touch.” My eyes welled with tears, but I didn’t dare move.

My body was frozen, lying on my side, and I only dared one small look at him before closing my eyes. The anguish that ate the fine lines of his handsome face was enough to break me, but I couldn’t give him what he wanted from me. I couldn’t give him the warmth that was threatening to burst from my body.

I didn’t have enough strength. I didn’t have enough force in my bones to move from this very spot.

Dylan’s abandonment was the last drop that overflowed the glass, and all those thoughts I had just a few months ago started coming back again.

I wasn’t good enough.

I didn’t deserve love.

I didn’t deserve happiness.

I wished I could tell Ash to just leave me here to rot, to stop existing. I wished I was brave enough to let him go, to spare us both the misery. I wished he would let me go, because God knew I wasn’t strong enough to leave. But I knew him. I knew him better than I knew myself, and I knew he wouldn’t give up on me, no matter how hard the road was. I knew he would still be here even if I took years to get out of this slump.

I knew he would always hold my hand even when things seemed impossible. Even if the world was crashing around us, he would still be here for me.

I didn’t deserve him.

Here I was, wallowing in self-pity, crying over a man who didn’t love me enough to stay, while I still had the one who would destroy the world just to get one smile from me. Here I was, destroying yet another human being just how I destroyed the ones before.

“I love you, Skylar,” Ash rasped, moving behind me and lying down on the bed, wrapping his arms around my middle and pulling my body flush with his. “I will always love you, no matter what.” His lips connected with my bare neck, his voice drooping low. “We will survive this, baby girl. We will survive this because I love you. I know you’re not strong enough now, but I am. I have enough strength for both of us.”

Tears escaped from my eyes, coating my cheeks in wetness, while my body shook, tormented by gut-wrenching sobs.

“I am not going anywhere,” he reassured me, pressing tiny, soft kisses all over my neck. I wanted to believe him. God, how I wanted to believe him. I wanted to turn around and bury my head in his chest and tell him how much I loved him. How sorry I was. How shitty this whole situation was.

But I couldn’t. I couldn’t fucking move. I couldn’t tell him all the things he needed to hear, because I didn’t believe in them.

I crawled out of the darkness once, or at least I thought I did, but no one ever told you that your deepest, darkest thoughts never truly went away. Nobody ever told you that you would need to learn how to live with it. Some days you would feel like you were on top of the world, while others felt like climbing a mountain with no end.

No one ever told you that your mind worked both for you and against you, and that the suffering never went away. It was an ache you constantly carried in your heart. It was a burden you always had on your shoulders. You might have won the battle, but the war was still ongoing, and no matter what you did, no matter how many troops or soldiers you had in your corner, sometimes the battles were too hard to win. Sometimes the bad guys won, and most of the time, the bad guy was your own fucking mind.

I thought I was okay.

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